


On Broken Porch Swings And Rusted Stop Signs

by smile_it_will_get_better



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Adrian Mellon Lives, Adrian and Don deserve a happy life and I will give it to them, Adrian and Eddie are best friends by the way, Adult Losers Club (IT), Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Dorks in Love, Eddie Kaspbrak Has OCD, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, Emotional Manipulation, Endgame Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I'll add more tags as it goes on, Internalized Homophobia, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, Medical Torture, Memory Loss, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Poison, Poisoning, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Soft Eddie Kaspbrak, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Teenage Losers Club (IT), The tags make it sound really dark and it kind of is but I promise it's a happy ending, a bit - Freeform, because I said so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2020-12-24 16:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 58,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21102182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smile_it_will_get_better/pseuds/smile_it_will_get_better
Summary: Eddie feels like no matter what happened, he would always love Richie Tozier.No matter what universe they were in, what barriers stood in their way, the two of them would find each other again and again and again.Eddie was sure that even if he lost all his memories, he would find his way back to Richie.The universe took that thought as a challenge....Or the one where Sonia Kaspbrak is a little more unhinged than normal, and Eddie is wondering why the hell his six neighbors seem so familiar when he'ssurehe had never met them before.





	1. Know what it is to grow

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is going to be a hell of a story. There's two parts to it, one set when they are teenagers and one set when they're adults. But the stories are very much intertwined so don't worry. I aged up the story a bit simply because I wanted them to have phones when they're older. So yeah. Oh, also I headcanon Eddie as having OCD in this story, it's pretty lowkey in the first part but it's still in the story so I just wanted you guys to know.
> 
> This first chapter is a bit boring, but only cause it's setting up the story and showing what has changed in the story now that Pennywise the Bitchy Dancing Clown is gone. But we'll get to the good stuff soon. The next chapter set in the future should be posted tomorrow for you guys!!

Eddie never saw himself as particularly brave. 

In fact, the bravest thing he had ever done was convince his mom to let him go to school after she worked herself up into a panic attack over it. In his defence though, she could be pretty terrifying when she wanted to be. So standing up to her at the moment seemed like the bravest thing ever. 

He didn’t feel overly brave about it when Richie wouldn’t stop teasing him about it for a week. 

But it was worth it in the end. 

If it wasn’t for his ragtag group of friends, Eddie didn’t think he would have convinced his mom to let him go to school, or rebelled half the time he did. Without his friends, he probably would have been content to sit and let his mother fuss over him for all of eternity. 

But he had Bill, Stan, and Richie, and maybe they were the losers, and maybe Henry Bowers and his gang beat them up regularly, but life was good. Life was fine. 

The moment Richie proposed heading down to the barrens to play was the moment Eddie knew that one day his friends would be the end of him. 

His mom had warned him of the barrens, telling him that it was riddled with not only multiple diseases and poisonous plants, but also that the ground was unstable, that bug bites could set off his allergic reactions, that he could be hit over the head with a falling rock. 

Really, the list could go on and on about the dangers. His mom never failed to come up with more every night when they ate dinner. 

So when Richie proposed the idea, his first reaction was to say no. No way. They were able to drag him into a lot of stupid shit, but there was no way they were going to drag him into this. 

A week later he found himself joining them as they went to the barrens. 

“This is a colossally stupid idea.” Eddie reminded them. 

“As you’ve said a couple of hundred times,” Stand replied, lean fingers grasping onto a branch to hold it out of the way for Bill to walk through. 

“I think it’s worth saying,” Eddie said firmly, crossing his arms stubbornly. He could already feel the diseases creeping along his skin, covering him in a layer of dirt and uncleanliness. He wanted to turn back now, before any more dirt could layer up on his skin. 

But it would disappoint his friends, and he didn’t want that. They were the only things he had; he wasn’t sure he would be able to tolerate living in this gross town without them. He may only be 13 years old, but he knew life without the other losers would be bleak as hell. 

They continued down the path. Every leaf or stick scrapping against his bare skin felt like nails digging into his flesh, but he ignored it, instead focusing on the endless chatter Richie provided. It was almost calming, the never-ending flow of Richie’s voice filtering through the air. It was a weird thing to think, especially since Richie got on his nerves so often, but at this moment it was only peaceful. 

“Yo Eddie?” Richie cried, snapping him out of his thoughts. He was holding up a pointy stick with a bunch of red berries on them. “You think these are poisonous?” 

“Definitely,” Stan answered for him. “We are literally surrounded by poison ivy.” 

“W-w-we are n-not.” Bill stuttered, laughing slightly. “T-t-there’s n-no poison i-ivy in t-these p-p-parts.” 

“I don’t know,” Eddie put in, glancing to the side. The plants did look an awful lot like poison ivy. His fingers danced over his arms, itching at the spot where a leaf had brushed him moments earlier. Was he about to break into hives all over now? Fuck he should have listened to his mom. “This looks a lot like poison ivy.” 

“Now look what you’ve done Stan,” Richie said in faux seriousness. “You’ve made Eds even more paranoid. I didn’t even know that was possible!” 

“Fuck you,” Eddie snapped. “And don’t call me Eds.” 

“Okay Eddie Spaghetti.” 

“No.” 

“Eduardo?” 

“Nope.” 

“Edward?” 

“Jesus Christ.” 

“Will you two stop?” Stan said, rolling his eyes. “We’re almost to the water.” 

“Wait,” Eddie said, even as they continued walking. “We’re going to the water? The water that’s filled with mud and bugs and shit?” 

“Sounds about right,” Richie said. 

“W-we’re not guh-going in yet.” Bill reassured him. “We juh-just w-w-want to s-scope it out.” 

“Why can’t we just got o the Aladdin like normal kids?” Eddie said, crossing his arms as they pushed through the foliage. 

“Because Henry Bowers hangs out there.” Stan pointed out. “And I don’t know about you but I quite enjoy the prospect of a few hours free from harassment from him.” 

Eddie couldn’t argue with that point. 

Henry Bowers was possibly one of the worst people in this entire town. A year older than them, the bully had taken a disliking to the losers ever since first grade. Him and his gang seemed to take a deranged pleasure in mocking them specifically more than anyone. And Eddie was one of their favorite targets. 

The others got picked on too, but Henry seemed to enjoy holding Eddie down, kicking his inhaler just out of reach and watching him struggle to breathe. Patrick Hokster, who was easily one of the more psychotic of them all, liked to invade his personal space, egging Henry on with the more violent tendencies.

Eddie was frail, he couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t. He wasn’t like Bill, who was strong and resilient. He wasn’t like Stan, who could get scared, but never let it show. He wasn’t like Richie, who used his words to mess with their minds. He was just Eddie. Eddie who was too weak, too scared, too pathetic to truly fight back. 

So yeah, a few hours away from Henry Bowers and his gang was probably worth the many bug bites he was going to have after this. 

He hated to admit it, but the water actually looked really nice. Dirty, disgusting and probably would take nearly seven showers before he was able to feel clean again, but he couldn’t deny the urge to splash around with his friends at some point. 

The four of them kept wandering. Eddie would never admit it to any of them, but he was actually having some fun. It was a lot more freeing to be able to spend time with his friends without constantly looking over his shoulder for anyone watching them weirdly. 

Out here, they could just be themselves, be losers, be proud. 

“That’s poison ivy,” Stan pointed out. “And that’s poison ivy, and that’s poison ivy.” 

Eddie looked around nervously, seriously debating if Stan was being serious about this or not. Stan was super into birds, and didn’t that by default mean birds too? 

“Where?” He asked, curling into himself a bit further. “Where’s the poison ivy?” 

“Nowhere,” Richie snapped. “Not every fucking plant is poison ivy Stanley.” 

Eddie felt a phantom itch on his arm, spreading over his entire body and he didn’t care if it was poison ivy or not, he felt _dirty_, just like his mother always warned him he would be.

“Well,” He said. “I’m starting to get itchy, which I don’t think is good for my-“ 

“Do you share a bathroom with your mother?” Richie cut him off. 

“Sometimes yeah,” He said cautiously, not sure where he was going with this. For some reason, they were outside a fucking sewage pipe, which he was not going to step close to anytime soon. 

“Then you probably have crabs,” Richie continued. 

Eddie tried not to think about it. 

“That’s so not funny,” He snapped without any heat. 

Bill and Richie were wandering further into the pipe, while Stan and him had a small semblance of good sense and stayed at the entrance, not wandering into the dirty water in front of them. 

Richie and him continued to bicker, and to be honest Eddie’s heart wasn’t really into it. He wasn’t really mad at Richie, he never was. He enjoyed their bickering, the constant back and forth. It distracted him from his mother’s voice in the back of his head, squealing about how unsanitary everything about this was. 

Behind them, there was a loud splash of water. 

Eddie gasped, turning around sharply, his head pounding a million miles per hour. It was going to be some sort of rabid animal come to kill him. 

Instead, it was the new kid. 

The new kid who was soaked, bleeding, and fuck this just got a lot more interesting than it was before. 

___________________________________

They got supplies, picked up a new friend, and somehow managed to stop Ben from bleeding out on the street. 

Eddie was endlessly grateful for the fact that his mom taught him everything about first aid, or else they would have had to resort to Richie’s idea of sucking the wound. Which was gross on _so_ many levels. 

“We w-w-were thinking about g-going to the q-quarry tomorrow,” Bill was saying to Beverly, who Eddie already knew was going to become a part of their group one way or another. “If you w-want to come.” 

They weren’t thinking about going to the quarry tomorrow, in fact, Eddie didn’t’ really want to ever go back if it meant picking up more half-dead kids in front of the sewers. But hey! Bill wanted to go to hang out with Beverly Marsh, and well Eddie was the type of friend to always support his friends, even when he’d rather not. 

“I thought you had to watch Georgie tomorrow?” Eddie asked once Beverly left. 

“He’ll b-be fine,” Bill said with a shrug. “I’ll juh-just let him g-go to a friend's h-house.” 

“What a good big brother,” Richie sighed. “Snubbing your little boy to go exchange spit with a girl.”

“B-beep beep Richie.” Bill snapped back. 

They split ways shortly after Eddie deemed Ben okay for the time being. 

“But, you’ll have to look out for signs of infection, because you were wandering around in that gross ass water for god knows how long, and if you manage to get any sort of bacteria in there you could realistically die so I’m just-“ He ranted, before Richie cut him off like usual. 

“You’re going to bore the poor guy to death!” He exclaimed loudly, and Eddie glared over at him. “Haystack here is going to be fine.” 

“Well you don’t know that, it’s not that unrealistic for it to get infected.” Eddie sniffed. 

“Oh stop it,” Richie moaned. “You sound like your mother.” 

Eddie didn’t know why that hurt so much. 

He didn’t want to be like his mother. Sure, he loved her, but sometimes she got a little too overbearing. He didn’t want to be like that, he didn’t want to push the same shit she did onto his friends. 

“Oh fuck you,” He snapped, crossing his arms and stomping away, grabbing his bike and quickly riding away without another word. 

Richie caught up to him minutes later, riding along effortlessly beside him. Eddie’s bike was second-hand, salvaged from the junkyard since his mother refused to buy him one of his own. So naturally, it was the slowest, which wasn’t helped by Eddie’s already small stature. 

“Are you going to have that stick up your ass from now on?” Richie asked him. Eddie pointedly ignored him. “Oh come on Eds, I was only joking.” 

“Don’t call me that,” He snapped, peddling faster. Richie sighed, speeding up and cutting in front of him, forcing Eddie to serve to the side, tumbling to the ground. “You asshole!” 

“Shit,” Richie said, quickly hopping off his bike and running over to where he sat on the ground. Eddie could feel little pebbles of gravel stuck in his exposed knee and elbow from where he hit. “I didn’t mean to do that. You good Spaghetti man?” 

“I’d be better if you didn’t call me that,” He grumbled, brushing away Richie’s offered hand and getting up himself. “What was that all about anyways you asshole?” 

“I wanted to apologize you fucker!” Richie exclaimed, a slight blush reddening his cheeks. 

Eddie paused for a moment, crossing his arms. 

“I’m waiting,” He said dryly when Richie did not continue. 

“That was it,” Richie replied. “That was the apology.” 

“You suck at apologizing,” Eddie said, but the corners of his lips quirked up into a small smile. He reached down to grab his bike, and the two of them continued the rest of the way on foot, the easy air around them returning. Eddie never had the capabilities to be mad at Richie for too long. 

His house came too soon, and they both paused outside the gate, staring up at the house. 

“I guess I’ll see you at the quarry tomorrow.” He sighed, turning to Richie. 

“We really going through with that shit?” Richie asked. “We’ve never jumped into that place before, you think it’ll be too shallow and we’ll crack our skulls open?” 

“Wouldn’t that impress Beverly,” Eddie said dryly. 

“She’d be begging at our feet to be apart of the group after that,” Richie said with a grin. “She’d see our smashed skulls and just demand to join us.” 

“We’ll probably die from disease even if the water is deep enough.” Eddie pointed out. 

“You are such an optimist,” Richie said, and Eddie looked over to see him staring at them with a fond look in his eyes. “I’ll see you later Eds.” 

With that Richie was gone, and Eddie couldn’t help but stare after him, a small smile tugging at his lips. 

_________________________________________________________

Standing at the top of the massive cliff in his underwear was not where Eddie saw his day heading, but somehow he was. 

He really needed to stop letting his friends talk him into things. Really, it never ended well. It ended with him patching up Ben who was bleeding all over the floor. It ended up with him wandering the barrens despite knowing his mom was going to go ape shit on him when she found out. It ended up with him here, shivering and wondering which one of them would be idiotic enough to jump off. 

It turns out, Bev was the bravest. Somehow he didn’t find himself surprised. 

Ben and Bill were practically fighting each other to get into the water after her, Stan mutter under his breath as he went next. 

“I feel like if I go next you’re going to bolt the other way.” Richie teased. 

“Fuck off,” Eddie replied, the spite fueling him enough that he took a running leap and soured through the air. 

For a second he felt like he was flying. 

Then he was just falling. 

The water was freezing cold, just like he thought it would be, and it stole his breath away as he hit it, the water splashing up his nose and into his ears. He surfaced seconds later, gasping for air and shaking his head to get the dirty water out of his face. 

“This place is disgusting,” He hissed, and Stan was swimming over to him, his hand curling around Eddie’s arms. 

“You good?” Stan asked, and Eddie appreciated it. Sorta. 

“Not until I’m out of this shit,” He grumbled. 

“Come on,” Stan said, swimming away and gesturing for Eddie to follow. “Let’s make a plan to start a splash war.” 

They started a splash war. It was Stan, Bev and him against Bill, Ben, and Richie. Eddie was sure the only reason they won was because Bev was a fucking badass at it. Stan managed to get Bill really good, sneaking up behind him pulling his foot until he collapsed into the water. Richie regrettably got him fairly well too, although he’d never admit to it. 

His friend had tackled him into the water, the two of them dunking under in a tangle of thrashing limbs and flailing arms. Eddie had tried his best to get Richie off of him, but the other boy was bigger, restraining his arms and twisting them through the water together. It was all fun in games until Eddie’s lungs burned and he automatically took a deep breath in, his lungs filling with the dirty water. 

Immediately, his playful thrashing turned into real-life panic. Richie seemed to notice, thankfully, and within seconds they were breaking the surface, Eddie coughing violently. 

He couldn’t breathe. It was like an asthma attack but worse because he could feel the slimy water in his mouth, could feel the dirt clinging to his teeth. He felt a wave of disgust and dread creep among his him and he barely noticed as Richie and Bill dragged him to shore, Richie fumbling around before he grabbed Eddie’s Inhaler and shoved it into his mouth. 

Eddie thankfully took in a puff of the air, his lungs clearing up magically and he gulped in the air, eyes squeezed shut. 

“Eds?” Richie was asking, his voice shrill in something Eddie almost mistook for worry. “Eds, you okay there?” 

“Richie,” He said calmly, doing his best to ignore the impulse to go home and scrub his skin until it was raw. He could do that later, right now he had other things to focus on. “I’m going to kill you.” 

“Oh shit,” Was all Richie said before he took off, Eddie on his heels as they raced around the shore, diving into the water to continue that there. 

“Mercy!” Richie cried, trying to hide behind Stan, who quickly shook him off. “Please my dear Eds, let me live by your mercy!” 

“I have no mercy left you asshole!” Eddie yelled back, diving and tackling him back onto the shore, the two of them rolling int eh dirt. It was disgusting, and he could feel it stuck onto his skin, but he found he could ignore it for instead focusing on the press of Richie’s bare chest to his, their legs entangled on the ground as they fought. 

“Are they always like this?” He heard Bev say form behind them. She sounded amused. 

“R-Regrettably yeah,” Bill stuttered out. 

Five minutes later Richie was calling uncle, and Eddie sat up, crossing his arms with a proud look on his face. 

“You two done now?” Stan called out from where he was lounging on a rock. 

“God I hope so,” Ben said, but he was grinning. “Although it was fairly entertaining.” 

“I’m so glad you guys thought me almost dying was entertaining,” He bitched as he made his way over to them, sitting with his back to the rock. “I could have choked to death; do you know how many germs are probably in that water? I could literally have little parasites swimming around in my stomach right now. Is that what you want? Huh?” 

“As long as it doesn’t keep your mom preoccupied,” Richie called out. “I was supposed to meet her tonight for someone on one time.” 

Eddie threw a rock at him. 

“Okay!” Richie laughed. “I get it, now stop assaulting me Eds.” 

Eddie raised another rock, but Richie ducked behind Ben before he could let it fly. He dropped it with a huff. 

“This is nice,” Ben said quietly. “I like having friends.” 

“Is that what we are?” Beverly asked, sounding hesitant. “Friends?” 

“Yup,” Richie said, pulling out a comic book. “Welcome to the losers club losers.” 

Eddie grinned at them all, basking in the feeling of the sun on his chest, surrounded by his closest friends, worries not that far behind him, but still behind him. 

It was nice.


	2. Like rum on the fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear the story will pick up soon now that I've established the two timelines. This chapter takes place in the 200  
0's, and Eddie's around 21 now. This is really just establishing Eddie's life so there's not much of the losers until next chapter. But hey, Adrian's here and I love him.

Eddie didn’t see himself starting his first year in pre-med dropping his papers everywhere and spilling iced coffee all over himself. 

He didn’t even like iced coffee. It was just the first thing he saw on the menu that day. 

“Fuck!” He cursed, stumbling away from the curly-headed boy who he had run into. “I’m so sorry.” 

He fell to his knees, scrambling to pick up his papers. He was going to be _late_ on the first day of school and he felt like a fucking idiot. 

“Let me help,” The stranger said, leaning over to grab a few papers. Soon they had managed to grab them all, and Eddie took the papers from the boy and blushed as their hands brushed against each other. 

He looked into the boy’s eyes; he was actually very cute. With curly black hair and beautiful brown eyes, Eddie felt his heart pound just a little louder staring at him. He was lanky, but in a good way. Not overly skinny, but all limbs. Not something people would find overly attractive, but for some reason, Eddie found it endearing. He shook his head, remembering the fact that he was going to be late.

“Thanks,” He breathed out, shaking his head and stuffing the papers back into the binders, his cheeks burning bright red. 

“No problem,” The boy said, sticking out a hand. “I’m Myka.” 

“Eddie,” He said, taking it. He had very nice hands. “I’m going to be late.” 

“You better go then!” Myka called out as he already started walking away. “I’ll see you around Eddie!” 

______________________

“Eddie my darling!” Adrian called out from the other side of the kitchen. Eddie wearily looked up at him, already anticipating what was going to happen. “Do you have time to take over the rest of my shift?” 

“No,” Eddie said dryly. “I do not.” 

“Perfect!” Adrian said, untying his apron and handing it to him. “I owe you.” 

“This is the fifth time this month!” Eddie called out after him. “I won’t cover for you and Don forever! Try swapping spit after your shift!” 

Adrian only blew him a kiss before he was out the back door. Eddie got only a half-second glimpse of Don, who waved cheerfully before the couple was off. Eddie sighed, tying his apron back on and getting ready to head back into the fray. 

It was his time off. He should be going home now, studying a bit before dinner, but he was busy covering for Adrian once again. He didn’t really mind, but he would never tell Adrian that. 

The two of them hated each other at first, meeting on their first day of work and immediately deciding to become enemies. It started with passive-aggressively trying to ruin each others shift, hiding each others aprons, doing everything they could to screw with each other. Then they got into the same psychology class, and for a brief moment, it seemed like it would only get worse. 

But slowly they became friends. Eddie realized that Adrian wasn’t some prissy drama queen and Adrian learned that Eddie didn’t have that big of a stick up his ass. They lived in an easy truce ever since then. Eddie would even dare to call him a friend. Which was nice. He liked having a friend. 

He put on the apron, pulling out his phone and sending his roommate Alex a text saying that he would be 30 minutes later than usual, which Alex only responded with a thumb’s down emoji. Sighing, he put his phone away, plastered on a smile, and went out to take some orders. 

The first person he saw as he exited was the dude who ran into him on campus two days ago. Eddie almost stumbled when he saw him, the two making eye contact and Eddie tried his best not to blush as he made it to the first table. 

“Can I take your order?” He asked, getting lost in his work. 

Soon, he had no other option but to approach the man. 

“Hi,” He said as cheerful as he could, smiling widely. “My name’s Eddie, can I take your order?”

“Hey Eddie,” The man, Myka he thinks, replied with twinkling eyes. “Just a coffee please.” 

“Of course,” Eddie said, glad that it was a short order. He hated seeing people he vaguely knew at work. It was always so uncomfortable. “I’ll get that right away.” He was just leaving when the man spoke again. 

“Did you make it to class on time?” Myka asked, still smiling widely. 

“Oh,” Eddie said, a bit taken back at the friendliness. “I did, just barely though. Thought my professor was going to kill me. The coffee dried on my shirt so I looked like shit, which sucked.” 

“I personally don’t think you have the capability to look like shit,” Myka said smoothly, and Eddie’s stomach turned when the man pushed his curly hair out of his eyes, and Eddie was reminded of something, a distant memory that was gone before he could grab it. It was a nice memory though, unlike his normal ones. He wasn’t sure if it was the odd familiarity, or the blatant flirting, but Eddie felt his pulse pick up. “I’m glad you made it there though. So sorry about running into you.”

“I’m pretty sure I ran into you,” Eddie said, feeling a bit lost, but in a good way.

“Let’s call it even then,” Myka said, before sticking out a hand. “Let’s restart. I’m Myka.

“Eddie,” He replied, and he felt like he was dreaming as he put his hand out and shook it. 

“Hi Eddie,” Myka said, holding onto his hand and bringing it up to his lips, pressing a quick kiss to the skin. Eddie swore his heart was going to fail. “It’s really nice to meet you.” 

“Um, I’m going to go get that coffee.” Eddie stammered out, his cheeks beat red as he turned and walked back into the kitchen. A part of him turned, whispering in the back of his mind that this wasn’t right, that it was dirty. 

Eddie only looked down at the hand Myka pressed a kiss to, and he wondered how something so sweet could be dirty.

When Myka left the restaurant, his phone number was written onto the receipt. Eddie didn’t feel bad about saving it onto his phone. 

____________________________

“You’re thinking of what?” Adrian asked, popping a bubble in his gum in a way that Eddie hated. 

“He asked me to move in with him,” Eddie said, his eyes staring at the paper without looking up at his friend. 

“Eds,” Adrian said, sounding stressed. “Eddie, Eddie my love, you’ve only been dating for like, six months at most! I’ve been dating Don for almost a year and he still hasn’t even told me where he lives!” 

“That’s a lie,” Eddie snorted. “You stayed at his place last night.” 

“Besides the point,” Adrian waved the thought away, almost smacking Eddie in the process. “Are you sure you aren’t moving that quick?” 

Eddie had thought that too, if he was being honest. He had been so nervous his first date with Myka, nearly bailed an hour before it happened. But it was perfect, everything was so perfect. 

They didn’t have a lot of common interests, but somehow they made it work. Eddie was willing to listen to Myka talk for hours about his schoolwork, where he was trying to get his degree in economics. And Myka would listen to Eddie talk about his current favorite music, his favorite movies, his least favorite teachers. They somehow made it work. 

The past six months of Eddie’s life had been the best of his life. And he wasn’t just saying that because he could barely remember most of his life beforehand. He was happy, and he wanted to keep that happiness up. So when Myka asked him to move in, he accepted without much thought. 

Besides, his current roommate was doing cocaine and Eddie really didn’t want to be anywhere near any of that shit.

“If I don’t like it,” Eddie said after a moment. “Then I’ll move out. Easy as that. But Myka and I are happy, so there’s nothing to worry about, right?” 

“Right,” Adrian said, sounding unconvinced. “If he turns out to be a serial killer I will write ‘I told you so’ on your grave.” 

“Thanks,” Eddie said dryly. “I appreciate it.” 

“I’m just watching out for you Eddie,” Adrian continued, his voice suddenly sounding a lot softer, more sincere. “I know that you haven’t had the best luck in the past, and I just want you to be happy okay? I don’t want you to rush into a relationship with the first man you meet.” 

“I appreciate the concern Adri,” Eddie said, finally looking up to his friend, who was sitting on the floor with his feet up on the bed Eddie was lounging on. “But I’m fine. I’m not rushing into anything.” 

“I’m just saying!” Adrian insisted. “You have one friend and you’re already moving into your boyfriend’s apartment. Shouldn’t you like, I don’t know, have a couple one-night stands? Live a little? Experience heartbreak? Know what a relationship should feel like?” 

“I do not only have one friend,” Eddie argued, cheeks burning red. “And I don’t need to do any of that yet, I’m happy. Shouldn’t that be enough?”

Adrian hummed unconvinced, but it was the best they were going to get. 

“What answer did you get for number five?” Eddie asked, and the night moved on like normal.

____________________________

“Are you almost ready babe?” Myka called from the living room, sounding slightly annoyed. 

“Just a few more boxes to pack,” Eddie replied, shoving more photo albums into the box. He hated staring at those things. His mom made them for him, saying that they would help his memory come back, but all they were was photos of him and her, in different places in the same house. He looked uncomfortable in all of them. There were some shots of him outside, but most of them were cut in a way that made Eddie think that some people were strategically edited out of them. He hated it with a passion. 

His past was a sore topic for him, a collection of blurred memories that he could never fully recall. He tried not to think of it much, trying his best to reconstruct his life ever since it started three years ago. 

“Why do you need all this shit anyway?” Myka asked, and Eddie jumped, not realizing his boyfriend was so close. He hadn’t heard him enter the room. “You barely use half this stuff.” 

“It's my moms,” He said awkwardly, holding a photo of her in his hands. He had trouble placing the woman he knew to the face. 

“Your moms dead though,” Myka said, his arms sneaking around Eddie’s waist. “And you told me you barely remember her right? So why does it matter?” 

“I don't remember a lot,” Eddie muttered, shoving the picture into the box with the rest of them. 

“And yet you’re my brilliant little baby,” Myka teased, his teeth nipping slightly into the skin on his neck. Eddie tried not to yelp in surprise. “Can’t remember high school but is in university to become a doctor.” 

“Theoretically I remember high school,” Eddie said for the millionth time since they started dating. “The knowledge is in my brain, just no faces, no memories, no experiences.” 

Myka’s arms tightened, and he pressed more kisses into the side of Eddie’s neck. 

“So you’ve said,” He said dryly, his voice muffled by Eddie’s skin. “How about we throw all this shit out, and we restart, you and me. I’ll take a million photos of the two of us, and you can forget about her, and forget about everything else. You don’t need to worry about that anymore, okay babe?” 

Eddie stared at the box, filled with mementoes of what his life used to be. He should love his mom, should want to keep her things, but there was a lingering resentment stirring in his stomach. A grudge he couldn’t even remember but couldn’t help but keep. 

That woman wasn’t his mother, not really. He had no memories to associate with her. None of her tucking him in for the night, of her teaching him how to ride a bike or how to cook. All he had was photos of the two of them and blurry memories from the beginning. As fake as the memories his therapist tried to give him. 

“Yeah,” Eddie breathed out, relaxing into Myka’s grip. “Yeah let’s throw it out. Start new.” 

“You and me,” Myka said, and Eddie could feel his grin against his skin. 

“You and me,” Eddie whispered, and Myka pulled at his chin until their lips met, and Eddie forgets everything that wasn’t happening at that moment. It wasn’t hard to do. 

__________________________________________________

Their new apartment was nice. And that was an understatement. 

They had somehow managed to get a two-bedroom loft, with a large living room and a kitchen Eddie nearly drooled over. 

“How the hell did we afford this?” Eddie asked, running his hands over the smooth marble counter. Myka chuckled behind him, leaning against the doorway and staring at him. Eddie grinned over at him, feeling like a kid in a candy shop. His old apartment was small, barely big enough to fit him and his roommate. But this? This was larger than any place he had ever been in, let alone lived with. 

“Inheritance money,” Myka shrugged. “My grandma died last week.” 

“Oh,” Eddie blinked, frowning. “Sorry?” 

“I wasn’t close to her,” Myka waved away easily. “But isn’t this place beautiful?” 

“It is,” Eddie replied, taking the topic change in stride. “And it’s close to campus too, so we can walk together every day.” 

“Darling my classes start hours after yours,” Myka said with a laugh, coming up behind him and pressing a kiss to his cheek before moving on. 

“No they don’t,” Eddie said, turning around to face his boyfriend, who was wandering around the kitchen. “You drive me almost every day, they both start at 11.” 

“Should we start unpacking?” Myka asked, and Eddie really didn’t want to change the subject. He wanted to know why Myka suddenly decided to act so weird. But, he didn’t want to start a fight. He didn’t want his first memory in a new house to be an argument. 

“Sure,” He said instead, reaching over to grab the box labeled Kitchen. They fell into an easy rhythm after that, dancing around each other as they pulled out glasses and plates, all from Myka’s old apartment. They didn’t want to bring anything from Eddie’s, because the place was disgusting. 

Now that he was out of the place, Eddie could admit how much he hated it. No matter how hard he tried to keep it clean, it seemed like every other second there was something new to bug him, to drive him crazy. Dirty dishes being left in the sink, smudge marks on the tub, dust on the shelves. It just didn’t feel right to him, and most days he stayed out of the place to avoid the nagging thoughts in the back of his mind.

This place, it was better. Slightly. He dragged his hands over the counter again, and his fingertips bumped up slightly, something dried onto the counter, unseeable to his eye, but the rolling in his stomach proved that something was off. 

He nearly bolted to the kitchen sink, turning it off and grabbing the soap as he scrubbed his hand, alarms buzzing off in his mind and after a good minute and a half he finally turned the water off, ignoring Myka’s exasperated look as he marched over and grabbed his sanitary wipes. 

“Are you seriously doing this?” Myka asked, his voice monotone. 

Eddie knew his boyfriend hated when he got like this, when he got so caught up with the stupid impulses that he couldn’t focus without wiping down every surface, washing his hands every couple minutes, refusing to go places because of the fear. 

Eddie knew that Myka hated it, but there was nothing he could do. There was something _dirty_ on the counter, and if Eddie didn’t get it off the entire place would be ruined, contaminated, and Eddie would never be able to enjoy it again. He wouldn’t be able to rest, to breath properly if he didn’t get this done. If he left it untouched he would be overcome with a wave of dread so deep that it sent him into hysterics.

His hand furiously wiped at the counter, over and over again seven times before he was finally satisfied. He continued along with the kitchen, discarding the wipes into the garbage as he wiped once, twice, seven times. 

Myka watched him the entire time, his shoulders tensed and words on the tip of his tongue but he stayed quiet, let Eddie have this for right now. Surely it wouldn’t last, Myka would probably tire of it when Eddie got through half of the house, but for now, it was good. He could deal with the intimate breakdown later, when Myka was asleep like he always did when he stayed over at Myka’s apartment. 

But that wasn’t real now. There was no Myka’s apartment or his apartment, only their apartment. Eddie’s stomach flutters at the thought, and he turns to grin at his boyfriend, who softens immediately at the look. Myka surged forwards, grabbing his arms tight and pressing a kiss to his lips, hungry, demanding, powerful. 

Myka was tall, nearly 6’3 but he was all limbs, slim like a dancer. But he was strong, the lean muscle under his skin and Eddie loved running his hands over him, feeling the raw power vibrating under his touch. Myka was no weight lifter, he was no football player, but next to him Eddie couldn’t help but feel small. 

Being at 5’9 himself, he hated to admit it but he was short. Around average if anyone asked, but sometimes he wished to be taller, to be able to look Myka in the eyes, to not have to be up on his tippy toes in order to kiss him. Eddie was fit, there was no question about that. But he was fit in the way that a runner was fit, rather than how Myka was. 

But it was fine, because they worked well. Yin and Yang type of situations, opposite sides of a magnet pulling together. 

“You should make dinner,” Myka said, pulling back and running his fingers through Eddie’s hair. 

“Do we have any food?” Eddie asked, pulling back and walking towards the fridge. 

“Should have enough for you to whip up some of that stir fry you love making.” 

“I don’t love making it,” Eddie said, turning and grinning at him. “You just love eating it.” 

“Same thing,” Myka shrugged, walking over to one of their barstools and sitting down. 

Eddie hums as he gets to work, chopping up vegetables and setting the noodles to cook. He loved cooking most days, had learned to cook and bake from the restaurant where he cooked, when sometimes one of the nicer old chefs would stay after closing with him and teach him old recipes his family had passed down. The man said that he had no kids to pass it onto, so he might as well pass it onto him. 

Eddie found something mesmerizing about cooking, the swish of a knife effortlessly chopping through vegetables, the sizzle of oil heating up on a pan, the aroma of spices filling the air. It helped distract him, reminded him of hazy memories of baked bread and sweets sticking to the tip of his mouth. He wasn’t sure where the memory was from, but he enjoyed it. 

He was halfway through cooking when there was a knock on the door. Myka groaned, his head falling onto the counter. 

“I don’t want to move,” He grumbled. “I was having fun watching you cook.” 

“It’s probably the movers with the bill,” Eddie said, turning around and grabbing the spice. “They haven’t dropped that off yet.” 

Myka hummed in agreement, dragging himself off the chair and towards the door. Eddie tried to focus on his meal, not on the bubbly voices coming from the door. Myka hated it when he eavesdropped, so he tried his best not to. But it sounded like a man and a woman, chatting easily with Myka in a way that put him at ease. Maybe not the movers then. 

“Eddie!” Myka called out, snapping his attention from the food over to him standing in the doorway. “Come meet the neighbours darling.” 

Eddie put down his spatula, brushing back the hair that fell into his eyes and hoped he looked somewhat approachable. 

He walked out of the kitchen towards eth door, smiling warmly at the couple standing there. 

They looked around his age, the woman with starling red hair cut into a bob, and the man a bit taller, with a very attractive face and kind eyes. They were staring at him like he walked out of a storybook. 

“Eddie,” Myka said, reaching out and grabbing his arm to tug him closer. “This is Beverly and Ben, our next-door neighbors.” 

“Hi,” He said cheerfully, pointedly not sticking his hand out to shake, even though it was kind of rude of him. Neither of them looked that keen to do it either, so he figured it was fine. “It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah,” Ben said, his voice sounding slightly lost. “Really nice to, um, meet you Eddie.” 

Eddie’s grin faltered slightly at the weird introduction, and he glanced up at Myka, who was staring at them all with an indifferent look on his face. 

“Anyways,” Beverly said, her voice kind of loud in the moment, but Eddie would admit that she had a nice smile. “We just wanted to welcome you to the building, you might see some of the others coming down to greet you, there’s six of us on the floor, barring you two of course, and we try to stay close.” 

“We look forwards to it,” Myka said, the blank slate on his face wiping away into a kind smile. His grip on Eddie’s arm tightened slightly. “I’m so glad to have such kind neighbors.” 

“Thank you,” Ben said. “We’re a pretty tight-knit group here, but something tells me you’ll fit right in.” He was staring at Eddie again, and Eddie resisted the urge to shrink back. He seemed nice, both of them did, but well he wasn’t that well versed with getting to know new people. 

“We’re actually having a party next week,” Beverly said, and Eddie wondered if everything she said sounded like an afterthought. “You two should come, meet everyone, mingle, you know stuff like that?” 

“We’d love to,” Eddie said, something inside him twisting. There was something so familiar about them, something that settled the rapid pounding in his chest and made it sing instead. Something about them that felt like home. 

But that was stupid. 

“If you’re okay with that of course,” He said, suddenly remembering himself as he turned to look at Myka. He was normally the one who made their plans, dictated how their nights would go. “You don’t have work right?” 

“When is it?” Myka asked, turning to Ben. 

“Friday night, should start around 6 pm,” Beverly said smoothly. 

“I don’t think I’m working that late,” Myka looked down at him. “So we should be able to make it.” 

“Perfect,” Ben said, his hand snaking around Beverly’s waist in a parody of how Myka and him were standing. “We’ll see you there.” 

They made to leave, and Eddie suddenly found that he didn’t want them to go. 

“Do you want to come in for dinner?” He blurted, feeling Myka tense up beside him. “I’m almost finished cooking it, and there should be enough for all of us.” 

Ben and Beverly stood there for a second almost lost for words. 

“We’d love to-” Beverly started; her voice cautious. 

“Eddie darling,” Myka interrupted, his voice low. “I’m sure they already have dinner plans. They probably don’t want to ruin their night for us.” 

Eddie didn’t try to hide the way he shrunk back, cheeks burning red. Of course they had plans, he was just being stupid, too caught up in the joy of thinking he found someone familiar. Someone that didn’t terrify him when he met them. 

“That’s not-“Ben immediately tried to protest, but it sounded weak to Eddie’s ears, almost like pity. 

“It’s fine!” He blurted out, forcing a smile onto his lips. “Don’t worry about it. It was stupid of me to ask.” 

“No it wasn’t-“ Beverly tried to say, a frown on her lips, but Myka once again cut her off. 

“Eddie, did you turn the element off?” Myka asked, his voice dry. Eddie blinked, breathing in and he could smell the faint scent of burning vegetables in the background. 

“Shit!” He cursed under his breath, turning out of Myka’s arms and running towards the stove, grabbing the pan and taking it away from the heat. 

“Sorry about him,” He could hear Myka saying, sounding like a mother apologizing for a kid acting out. “He’s a bit scatterbrained. We’ll see you two at the party!” 

The door clicked shut, and Eddie tried to squash the feeling of disappointment swirling in his gut. He was never good at making friends, people finding his eccentric manners off-putting when he refused to shake their hands or touch certain surfaces. He was unused to social cues, unable to talk about things like his favorite childhood memory, where he grew up. 

He had maybe two friends, one that he saw daily multiple times, and that dude’s boyfriend. Obviously Eddie wasn’t doing great in the friend department. 

He kept stirring the dish, even as Myka came back in, his gaze heavy on the back of Eddie’s head. It wasn’t that burnt, just a few of them a little crispier than Eddie would have wanted. 

“It’s still fine,” Eddie told him, turning around but skillfully avoiding his boyfriend’s eyes. “It won’t taste bad.” 

“Hey,” Myka said, catching his arm as he tried to move by to set the tables. They waited in silence until Eddie finally looked up at him. “Is everything alright? You seem super stressed out.” 

“I’m fine,” Eddie said a tad too quick. He wasn’t sure why his heart was beating so fast. He just needed a minute to rest, to not feel so stressed out. He hated the way tears starting to sting his eyes, and he looked away from Myka again, not wanting to show his weakness. “Just haven’t been sleeping much.” 

“We can fix that,” Myka said simply, leaning down and kissing his cheek. 

That night as they went to bed, Myka handed him a small white pill. Without questioning it, Eddie popped it into his mouth, dry swallowing it by habit. 

“Just a sleeping pill,” Myka whispered into his ear as they lay down on their new bed. “Just to help you sleep.” 

He pressed a soft kiss to the inside of Eddie’s neck, and within minutes Eddie was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't flesh out Myka's and his relationship. Why? Cause I don't want to and I want to get right into the plot lmao. Also, yes Myka is basically supposed to be like Myra but a guy because I did change up some major aspects of the character. but she was a loose basis for the character.


	3. To be twisted by something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the summary of this story because I absolutely hated it. 
> 
> Content warning for the use of the word queer in a negative light.

A part of Eddie knew that the medications weren’t good for him. Even at a young age. 

He was only six when his mom started taking him to doctors, sometimes driving for hours in order to take him somewhere out of town. 

All the doctors told him the exact same thing. 

_”He’s not actually sick Mrs. Kaspbrak,”_ They would tell her. _“He has common pneumonia; he just needs some rest. This happens to kids his age when they go through grief. Maybe take him to a therapist, that would help.” _

But she never believed them, and Eddie was forced to listen to her angry rants, going on and on about how useless they were, how they were going to let him die. 

Death was a concept Eddie understood. He knew his father had died, had visited him in the hospital as he was. Afterward his mom had sat him down and told him all about dying, how everyone gets claimed one day, some sooner than others. How she would protect him from all that, how he was well suited for death, but she wouldn’t let it happen. 

He believed her, why wouldn’t he? She was his mother, and mothers know best right? 

So when she hands him his first pills at age six, he diligently pops them into his mouth and quickly learns how to swallow them. When she takes him to the shady and old pharmacist that lives on their street, he listens as they both spew nonsense at him. 

By the age of eight he has been diagnosed with a dozen different illnesses, and every night his mom would go on and on about all the different diseases and illnesses he could get, and he listened, because she was his mom. 

He was diagnosed with mild epilepsies at the age of ten. He had passed out multiple times at home, waking up at the hospital with his mother claiming he started convulsing on the spot. But Eddie had no memories of it, and the doctors said that they could find nothing wrong, no matter how many invasive tests they put him through. His mom just added another set of pills to the pile. 

It had only gotten worse from there. 

Eddie was sixteen years old, and every night his mom still handed him his pills, which he popped into his mouth without question. He suspected by this point that maybe it wasn’t to help him, but more to keep him calm. 

One night, when he was sitting with his friends in the Barrens, he skipped a dosage. He didn’t tell them, all of them too caught up to notice Eddie silencing the beeping of the watch. 

He wasn’t sure what happened that night, not really. The feelings of dread inside of him increased by tenfold by the end of the hour, until he couldn’t touch anything near him without his heart jumping into his throat. He felt restless energy under his skin, the rolling of his stomach and the sweatiness of his skin. He felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin, stress radiation off of him in waves.

He figured maybe he really was sick, that maybe there was something wrong with him that was worse than allergies or delicate bones. He thinks that maybe there’s something wrong in his mind, in the chemical makeup of his skin and bones, something dirty all the way down to a molecular level. 

He left early that night, feeling like crying on the spot because he wasn’t sick per se, but he was something so much worse. He denied Richie’s attempts to walk him home, not wanting to ruin the others fun. Richie still caught up with him halfway there, somehow calming the tide in Eddie’s mind with the soothing tone of his voice. 

So now here he was. Sitting in his bedroom, counting out his pills and wondering how his mom managed to add one more to his collection. 

He counted out the two small white ones meant for his allergies. The oblong pink one for his epilepsies, the round orange one to strengthen his bones, the three gel pills for leg and back pain, and the four unknown ones his mom insisted he took. Now in the collection was a bright blue pill, a slit down the middle. 

He didn’t give himself much time to wonder what it was. He learned from a young age that whatever his mom said went, and if she added a new pill to his stash than there was probably a reason for it. He swallowed his normal ones, taking small sips of water every now and then to dispel the bitter taste of the powder left on his tongue. 

He held the newest one, flipping it over with his fingers before raising it to his lips, swallowing it down with ease. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

A rock hit his window. 

He glanced over to his half-closed door, straining his ears to hear if his mom heard the commotion. The overly loud soap opera in the living didn’t shut off or pause, so he figured he was good. He walked over and unlocked the window, shoving it up and poking his head outside. 

“Hey Eds!” Richie waved, holding another rock in his hand. Mike and Bill stood behind him, both waving cheerfully at him. “Want to come to the barrens with us? I brought monopoly.” 

“No he d-didn’t,” Bill said quickly. “We snuh-snapped it when p-playing it last night, suh-sorry Eddie I know it wuh-was your favorite.” 

Eddie couldn’t bring himself to be too mad. He only liked it because it riled everyone up so much, himself included. 

“I don’t know,” He said, glancing back at his still open door. “My moms been pretty mental about keeping me in the house nowadays.” 

“Oh come on,” Richie wheedled. “One night won’t kill her. If she’s lonely I can keep her company.” 

“In your dreams trash mouth,” Eddie said, but he was grinning. 

“It would be more fun with you around,” Mike put in. “Stan is trying to get Ben and Bev right now. Apparently their studying at the Library.”

“Yeah like the nerd they are,” Richie put in. 

“I’ll be right down,” He grinned, turning and closing the window tight. He turned to the closet, already shivering from the afternoon air. He pulled on his favorite blue sweater before snapping his fanny pack onto his waist, and opening the door. 

He walked into the living room, his mother’s eyes slowly tearing away from the tv screen to look at him. 

“Where are you going Eddie-Dearest?” She asked in her sugary-sweet voice. 

“Out with my friends mommy,” He replied easily, slipping on his shoes. 

“Oh, but can’t you stay?” She asked, frowning. “I haven’t seen you forever darling, I miss our Mommy-son time.” 

“Maybe another time,” He told her. “I need to study for a test coming up.” 

“I guess that’s okay then,” She said. “But be back home for dinner! I’m making your favorite.” 

“Okay mommy, thanks.” He tried to slip out of the door. 

“Are you forgetting something Eddie dear?” She asked again, her voice like fingernails down his back. 

Eddie forced the feeling of disgust down, walking over and pressing his lips to her skin, trying not to cringe at the slight sheen of sweat on her skin that transferred to his own lips. He straightened up and left the house without another word, wiping at his lips as soon as he was out of sight. 

What other sixteen-year-old had to kiss his mother every time he left the house? None of them. It was humiliating, embarrassing, and he hated the feeling of her skin under his lips. It made his stomach pitch and roll for no real good reason. It made him feel like a bad kid. 

She loved him, more than anything in the world. He knew he was all she had left. And yet here he was, groaning and complaining as having to do something as simple as kissing her cheek. She made him food, got him clothes, made sure he was healthy, and he couldn’t do one little thing to display his own affection for her. 

He was ungrateful, and the thought made his stomach turn even more. 

The feeling went away when he saw Richie. 

He was wearing a ridiculously large Hawaiian shirt, probably one of his fathers. His glasses weren’t as obnoxious as they were as a kid, but they still covered half of his face leaving him with an almost childlike appearance. Eddie thought it suited him. 

“Let’s go Eddie my boy!” Richie cried, already on his bike and racing off. Eddie laughed despite himself, chatting idly with Mike about his job with his grandpa as he grabbed his bike. Within minutes they were off, racing to catch up with Richie. 

Eddie loved riding his bike. There was a certain freedom to it, to doing something that his mother didn’t want him to. Maybe it was the teenaged rebellion, or maybe it was just something he enjoyed. If he was ever upset, he would sometimes just go on bike rides, lazily pedaling through the town. He enjoyed the cold air on his face, the burn in his legs from pumping them too hard. It felt like he was flying. 

Before Eddie knew what was happening, Richie made a sharp turn in the wrong direction. Without thinking, Eddie followed him. Bill and Mike skidded to a stop, before hesitant following as well. Eddie peddled hard for a few seconds to catch up with Richie. 

“What are you doing asshole?” Eddie asked, his voice carrying without the bite. 

“I heard a rumor that Bowers and his gang were hanging on the bridge tonight,” Richie replied loudly, loud enough for Mike and Bill to hear. “Forgot until we were about to go down that way. I just saved our asses.” 

“S-Saved your own,” Bill called out. “We all k-know Buh-Bowers is out for y-you.”

“What did you do to piss him off now?” Eddie asked. 

“Existed, what else?” Richie said, and his voice was guarded enough that Eddie knew not to push. Bowers had been on Richie’s ass lately, shoving him in the hallways, hissed words meant for Richie and Richie only. Eddie hadn’t been brave enough to ask Richie about it yet. 

Maybe he would later tonight, when they walked home together. But not now. 

“Race you to the Barrens,” He said instead, and Richie grinned up at him, the guarded expression on his face melting away. 

“You’re on.” 

__________________________________________________

Eddie knew he was supposed to be back for dinner. It didn’t stop him from getting lost in the time with his friends, playing stupid party games and dancing to Ben’s horrible music taste. 

_”Who still likes New Kids on The Block?” Richie groaned. _

_“They’re a good band,” Ben said, his cheeks burning red. _

_“If you’re like, our parent's age.” _

_“Knock it off Richie,” Bev said, rolling her eyes. “You’re just jealous because Ben dances better than you.” _

_“Lies!” Richie cried, standing up and grabbing at Ben’s arms. “Prove it to me Haystack, prove to me you’re a better dancer.” _

_Eddie tried to ignore the fact that he wanted to be the one dancing with Richie instead._

By the time the group finally went home, it was already dark out. The sun dipping below the horizon. Richie and him were softly pedaling back, slowly and calmly, not a care in the world. They’re both miraculously silent. 

The thing about Richie is that he never shut up. Not that Eddie minded sometimes, but the boy could talk forever. He always had words to say, a new voice to try out, a joke to say. Eddie had never seen Richie be quiet around anyone but him. 

It was nice, biking in silence. Sure, they could talk for hours, and Eddie really enjoyed that too. But it was relaxing to just ride together, no words needing to be said between them. They knew everything that they wanted to say. 

“Penny for your thoughts Spaghetti?” Richie asked halfway through the ride, and Eddie blinked at him, as if he forgot what his voice sounded like for a second. He guessed he hesitated a moment too long because Richie was speaking again. “Whatcha thinking about?” 

“You,” He answered without thinking, before his words caught up and a bright red blush overtook his cheeks. “You were being quiet for once; I was enjoying the moment.” 

“Excuse you, I’m always quiet,” Richie said, a grin on his lips. That was another thing Eddie enjoyed about him, that stupid grin. It was different from his normal one, looser, almost more caring in a way. Eddie was probably overthinking it. 

“I’m thinking I want to stop take my pills,” He blurted out, the thought surfacing so quick he didn’t even think before saying it. That happened sometimes, thoughts coming to his mind without his permission. Normally they were a lot worse than that one. 

Richie’s bike screeched to a stop, and Eddie slowed down as well, his foot finding the ground. 

“Yeah, and I’m debating running off to Alaska,” He said dryly. 

“I’m not joking around Richie,” Eddie snapped. He wasn’t. The thought had passed his mind more than once this week. He was terrified, of course he was. But he needed to know for sure, needed to truly know what the pills did. He had an inkling that maybe he wasn’t sick like his mother said. 

He was sick in other ways, that’s for sure, but Eddie desired to know if he would drop dead if he stopped taking them. If what his mother told him was true. 

He knew his mother lied sometimes, bathed in the attention she got from being sick. He heard it every time he went out, her telling all her friends about how sick he was, how she kept having to look after him. They called her brave for taking care of him like that. But Eddie knew that half of it was lies. 

“You have to be joking,” Richie said, and Eddie detected a note of what almost sounded like panic. “I don’t know if you’ve forgotten or maybe just gone suicidal, but those pills literally keep you alive.” 

“I don’t think they do though,” Eddie argued, raising his chin like he was preparing for a fight. “I think they might be bullshit.” 

“Are you willing to bank your life on it?” 

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.” 

They stared at each other for a long moment before Richie started walking again, Eddie falling into step with him. 

“So what, you think your mom is feeding you, fake pills? Or something?” Richie asked, his grip on the handlebars tightening. “That’s ridiculous dude. What about all the times you were sick? You’ve almost died on like, twenty occasions.” 

“Except I don’t think I have,” Eddie countered, wondering why he was binging it up right now. “I think back to half the times my mom has brought me to the hospital and almost all the times it’s just her overreacting, or her saying I have symptoms even though I haven’t felt any of them at all. And none of my prescription bottles have labels on it, and I don’t know what half of them are for.” 

“Eddie,” Richie said loudly, cutting him off. “I believe you okay? Jeeze man they say I talk too much.” 

“Fuck off Richie.” 

“Kidding! Kidding. But seriously Eds, if you think it’s fake then fine. I think you're being dramatic but I trust your judgment.” Richie said, his tone a bit softer. 

“You contradicted yourself like three times in that one sentence.” 

“What can I say? I’m a conflicted guy.” 

“Thanks Richie,” Eddie said softly, looking over to him. “I’m not sure what I’m doing, but when I do figure it out you’ll be the first to know.” 

“Perfect Eds,” Richie said as they came to a stop in front of their house. “I’ll see you at school okay?” 

“See you then,” Eddie said. 

Richie made to leave, before hesitating and turning around, dropping his bike and gathering Eddie up into his arms. Eddie tensed for a single moment before he was relaxing back into his grip, his hands balling into the back of Richie’s shirt. 

“You’re braver than you think Eds,” Richie whispered. “You’ll figure this out.” 

Before Eddie could respond, Richie was letting him go and walking away. 

Eddie found he missed the warmth of his arms. 

_____________________________________

“Your hair is a mess Eddie,” His mother scolded, her hand like a vise as she pushed him into the chair. “What were you thinking going out like that?” 

Eddie didn’t think it looked that bad. Sure, it was a bit messier than normal, but he was going for something new. He liked the tussled look, even if it stressed him out a bit. 

His mom pulled at his hair with a comb, furiously brushing it back and grabbing a ton of hair gel into his hair to stick it down. 

“You’re such a handful,” She continued, her voice surprisingly soft. “Can’t even do your hair.” 

“Sorry mommy,” He whispered, red staining his cheeks. He wasn’t sure why he was apologizing. But there was something about him mom lately, something about being around her that made him feel so inadequate, worthless. He hated it. 

“You know I love you right?” She said, tilting his chin towards her. 

“Of course Mommy,” He replied. 

“You are a handful,” She continued. “You are very needy, but I love you so much. I’m the only person who will put up with you. No one will love you quite like I do Eddie-bear. DO you understand that?” 

“Yes Mommy,” He replied almost robotically. 

He wanted to deny it, wanted to say that his friends loved him, that they didn’t think of him as a burden. 

But would any of his friends sit here and do his hair when it looked bad? Would any of his friends take him to the hospital at the drop of a dime and wait hours for him to get checked out? Would they make him dinners because he burned everything he made? Would they put up with him if they had to be around him for longer than seven hours? 

“Can I go over to Bill’s this weekend?” He managed to choke out, pushing the thoughts away. He didn’t have enough time to have a mental breakdown. 

“I don’t know,” His mom said. “I wanted to spend time with you.” 

“But Mike just got his allowance, we were going to go out record shopping with him,” He protested. He had been looking forwards to it for weeks. 

“We’ll talk about it,” His mom said firmly. “Take your pills before you go to school.” 

“Yes Mommy,” He said, biting back his disappointment. 

“It’s not a crime to want to spend time with my son,” She said, sounding honestly hurt. He felt a pang of remorse. He really was a shitty kid. “I just want to spend time with you again, like we used to when you were a kid.” 

“I do too Mommy,” He said, turning around and taking a deep breath. 

“I don’t like your friends either,” She continued, shoving things back into drawers. 

“I know.” 

“Especially that Marsh girl, you’ve had to hear the rumors about her Eddie-bear. She’s dirty,” She continued, and he wanted to turn and scream at her for insulting his friend like that. “And that Tozier boy? Have you heard what they’re saying about him?” 

“Don’t believe everything you heard Mother, half those stories aren’t true,” He says, his voice a bit tighter than he anticipated. She continued on as if she never heard him. 

“They say he’s a _queer_,” The last word was whispered, like it was dirty, wrong, disgusting. Sinful to even say. Eddie’s eyes squeezed shut, his heart tightening inside his chest. “I don’t want that kind of person around you Eddie, who can tell just what diseases and illnesses he’s picked up, he could infect you for goodness sakes! I’ve always known that kid was up to no good-“ 

“I’m going to be late.” He burst out, cutting her off. He pushed through the anger racing through his stomach and forced himself to press a kiss to her cheek. “Goodbye.” 

He walked out the door for school and as he stared at the pills in his container, he debated smashing them into the ground. Scattering them among the grass grinding them into little pieces under his shoes, see if the nagging thoughts in his mind were correct. See what she would do then, if she would insult him like she insulted his best friend. Decimating his pills would be so satisfying at the moment, would help please the monster clawing at the inside of his chest.

He thought of his mothers face, telling him that she loved him, that no one would care about him like she did. 

He popped the pill into his mouth, the next ones following quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should really start picking up the next chapter!! <3


	4. Calls of guilty thrown at me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always fun to write the losers being losers.

  
Eddie panicked about the party for the entire week. 

He wasn’t sure why, but there was something about his new neighbors that made him want to please them, to become their friends. He had seen a few throughout the week, never meeting them, but catching glimpses as they went by. 

He really only saw two more of them, a couple by the looks of it. One of them was tall, with darker skin and a laugh that made something inside Eddie’s chest twist. The other one was shorter, but with shaggy brown hair and a movie star smile. They both froze when they saw him, and only the taller man waved when Eddie greeted them. They practically ran into their apartment. Eddie tried not to think about it that much. 

“Is dinner done yet?” Myka called out in greeting as he walked through the front door, the jungle of keys signifying he just got back from work. 

“I’m not making dinner tonight,” Eddie called out from their bedroom upstairs. “We have that party remember?”

“Oh shit yeah,” Myka laughed, staring up at Eddie who was leaning over the balcony overlooking their living room. “The party. I totally forgot.” 

“We’re still going right?” Eddie asked, and he wasn’t sure what he’d do if Myka said no. He really wanted to go to this party, to meet his new neighbors, but if Myka was stressed and didn’t want to go? Eddie wasn’t sure he’d have the confidence to show up by himself. And he was sure that Myka wouldn’t’ want him going by himself. 

“You’ve been looking forwards to it all week,” Myka said with a smile. “If you come down here and give me a kiss then we can go.” 

Eddie laughed, joy bubbling up inside his chest, as he walked down the stairs, Myka grabbing his hands and pulling him close when he had the chance. Their lips pressed together and Eddie smiled into the kiss, overjoyed for a reason he couldn’t fully understand. 

“What do you think they’re going to be like?” Eddie asked, leaning his head down into the crook of his boyfriends’ neck. “You think they’re going to be nice?” 

“I’ve met one of them, said his name was Stan or something? He seemed like a complete neat freak, like honestly someone who is going to give you a run for your money.” Myka said, slapping him lightly on the shoulder as he stood up, pushing Eddie onto the couch beside him. “Are we supposed to look nice?”

“Maybe just try to not look homeless,” Eddie joked, standing up and stretching. 

“Is that what your wearing?” Myka asked, turning back to face him with a frown. 

“Yeah,” Eddie looked down, suddenly feeling self-conscious about the red shorts and pale pink shirt he was wearing. “What’s wrong with that?” 

“I’ll pick you something else to wear when I get change,” Myka said, starting up the stairs. 

“What do you mean by that?” Eddie asked, suddenly feeling defensive. He crossed his arms over his chest, almost like he could hide from whatever accusations Myka was making. 

“You look like a mess, that’s all. I just want you to make a good first impression, and you won't in that,” Myka said, his voice carrying throughout the house. Eddie felt it echo around him. He looked down at himself again, frowning in confusion. 

He thought he looked nice. 

There was a solid smack as the clothes hit the floor, and Eddie started at the pile of clothes Myka tossed down from above. 

“Get changed,” Myka called out. “We’re supposed to be there in five.” 

Eddie picked up the clothes and got changed. 

The outfit Myka picked out for him wasn’t bad, he had to admit. It consisted of one of Myka’s favourite band tee shirts, one of Eddie’s own jackets, and dark wash jeans. He didn’t hate the outfit, not really, but when he put it on he felt like suffocating. He wasn’t sure why. 

“You ready to go?” Myka asked as he walked back downstairs, typing furiously on his phone. He looked up at where Eddie was standing in front of the mirror, his face softening. “You look wonderful.”

“Thanks,” Eddie said, the words tasting like a bitter powder on his tongue. 

“You know I love you right?” Myka asked, coming up behind Eddie and putting his arms around his shoulders. Eddie brought his own hands up to cup his. “You’re everything to me.” Myka pressed a kiss to his cheek, and Eddie forced himself to relax, to accept the feeling. 

“Yeah,” He said, smiling softly. “I know.” 

“Great,” Myka said, letting him go and pulling on his shoes. “Let’s get going.” 

________________________________________

Myka was the one who knocked on the door, and Eddie was eternally thankful for that because he felt like if he had to do it he would turn tail and run as far as he could. 

Ben was the one who opened up the door, he looked a little surprised when he saw them, but Eddie just told himself that it was because he didn’t think they were going to come or something. 

“Eddie! Myka! Hi!” Bev said from behind him, coming up and pulling Eddie into a hug before he could react. He tensed for a second, his heart stuttering at the feeling of arms wrapping around him, a voice int eh back of his mind telling him just how many germs could possibly be passed on by hugging and touching, but the feeling only lasted for a second before he was relaxing, easily wrapping his arms around her to return the hug. 

She reached up and gave Myka a quick hug too, but it lasted only a fraction of a second. 

“Come on in guys,” Ben said, and he was smiling so widely that Eddie thought it must hurt his lips to do it. He didn’t look like he cared much. “Everyone’s in the living room.” 

“Hey Losers!” Bev called out, skipping ahead with a bounce in her step. Ben ushered them along behind her. Eddie felt Myka grab at his hand, squeezing it just a tiny bit too tight for comfort. Eddie wondered if he was nervous about meeting all these new people, but that wasn’t like him at all so he shoved that thought away. He was the one to get freaked out over the tiniest things, not Myka. “Meet Myka and Eddie.” 

She put a weird amount of emphasis on Eddie’s name, and it sent something inside him tumbling, crashing around in a ball of anxiety and worry. 

They walked into the living room, and Eddie smiled hesitantly at the people sitting around. 

On the couch together were the two men he saw earlier, and both were staring at him with slightly wide eyes and shaking smiles. On the other side of the couch was another man with curly brown hair, his arms around a pretty brunette woman. The woman was smiling at him and waved cheerfully, but the man was staring at him with an almost startling amount of intensity. The last person was sitting on the very back of the couch, his long legs stretched out onto the rest of the chair. He was staring at Eddie with wide eyes, his mouth hanging open a little. 

Eddie wouldn’t lie and say that his eyes didn’t catch on him. He was dark curly hair, the biggest brown eyes he had ever seen accented by coke bottle glasses. He was also wearing the most obnoxiously bright Hawaiian shirts over a band tee-shirt, which was half ridiculous half funny. He looked familiar, like he was someone Eddie was familiar with. 

The thought came unwelcomed to his mind, but the boy looked like home. 

He shook the idea out of his head, his hand clenching tighter to Myka’s. 

“Those Losers cuddling on the couch are Bill and Mile, this here is Stan and Patty, and that asshole who can’t sit on furniture right is Richie,” Bev told him, coming up from behind him and squeezing his shoulder. For once he didn’t jump. “Go on take a seat, Ben’s just grabbing us all food and drinks, we have cards against humanity and then Monopoly later tonight.” 

“I love Monopoly,” Eddie said without thinking, blushing red when everyone turned to stare at him again. Was this just him being paranoid? Because everyone just kept staring at him and wouldn’t stop. Especially the Richie guy, his eyes hadn’t left Eddie’s face once since he walked in. “Um, does Ben need some help with drinks? I can go help him?” 

“I think he’d love that,” Bev said softly, and Eddie nodded, dropping Myka’s hand and shuffling off in the direction of where he heard Ben banging around. 

“Hey,” Eddie said. “Need some help?” 

“I was wondering when someone would come,” Ben said with a smile. “Nine drinks and three popcorn bowls is not easy to carry when you’re all alone.” 

“That’s what I figured,” Eddie said, walking forwards and helping take some off of Ben’s hands. “Why is everyone staring at me weirdly?” He asked before he could stop himself. 

“What?” Ben asked, his entire body going rigid. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” Eddie said immediately, his heart leaping into his throat. “It’s just everyone’s staring at me and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve done something wrong or-“ 

“No, no,” Ben said, quickly relaxing and smiling again. “It’s just, well, you look an awful lot like an old childhood friend of ours who went missing when he was young, like, uncannily similar.” 

“Oh,” Eddie said, breathing a sigh of relief. “I thought I had something in my teeth.” 

Ben burst out laughing, his eyes scrunching up and Eddie felt his stomach soar, Ben’s joy feeling infectious. 

“I’m sorry about your friend though,” Eddie said when Ben calmed down. “What was his name?” 

“Eddie Spaghetti,” A voice said behind them, and Eddie jumped, turning to see Richie standing in the door with a cocky smile. 

“What?” Eddie asked. 

“His name was Eddie Spaghetti, the best Spaghetti man around.” 

“That’s a ridiculous name,” Eddie said, still unsure if the man was joking or not. 

“That’s because it wasn’t his name,” Ben said dryly. 

“Of course it wasn’t,” Richie laughed. “His name was, um, Eddi- Edwina.” 

“Eddie Edwina?” Ben asked, raising an eyebrow. “Not much better.” 

“The kid came from a bad family; his mom was a bit coo-coo.” Richie shrugged, shooting Ben a glare. 

“Did you come to help us?” Eddie asked, feeling like a topic change was needed. 

“Nah, just came to watch Benny boy’s muscles at work,” Richie said, jokingly leering at Ben. 

“Ha, Ha,” Ben said, rolling his eyes. “You want me to tell Bev you were flirting with me?” 

“She will kill me,” Richie said. “I will literally die.” 

“Exactly,” Ben said with a bright smile. “Now come over here and help trash mouth.” 

“Ugh,” Richie sighed, dragging his feet as he walked over. “Eds help me out here, this is blackmail.” 

“That’s not my name,” Eddie said on instinct, blinking in surprise at how easily that came out. Richie was staring at him, a bit opened mouth and there was something in his gaze that Eddie couldn’t place, that he didn’t want to place. 

“Alright Eds,” Richie said, quickly smiling again as he grabbed two barrels of popcorn. “See you out there.” He winked at him, walking out quickly and leaving Eddie slightly stunned. 

“If it makes you feel better,” Ben said softly, grabbing some of the drinks. “He’s like that around everyone.” 

Ben was gone before Eddie could reply. 

_______________________________

Eddie was surprised at how easily he fit into their little group. He found out quickly that everyone except Patty had been friends since kids, and that they hadn’t let time drag them apart. Eddie wished he had a group of friends like that, people he could love and trust no matter what. 

Maybe there was, maybe there was a group of people out there just like these ones, who were missing him, who lost him to whatever the hell happened all those years ago. The thought was too depressing to continue. 

“So wait,” Eddie said, his cheeks hurting from how much he was smiling. “You guys call yourself the Losers Club?” 

“Yeah!” Bill said, his head thrown back as he laughed. “We were all major losers, so we used that as our title.” 

“It’s almost as bad as the Breakfast Club,” Myka said dryly, sipping on his wine. Eddie felt his mood drop slightly. 

He could tell that Myka wasn’t having a good time. He denied it every time Eddie asked him, but he could tell by the way his face was scrunched up in that specific way, that one note to his voice. Eddie was well versed in the tiny signs of anger on his boyfriend, knew them like the back of his hand. 

And Myka was not having fun. Eddie could probably pinpoint it on Richie’s crude jokes and obnoxious voices that Eddie maybe laughed a little too hard at. But they were pretty good sometimes, and he was having fun, even if his boyfriend wasn’t. 

He was surprised at how much he liked all of the Losers. Bill had an almost older brother type of vibe, his voice having almost a calming effect to it. When he talked, everyone listened. Mike was kind of the same, not as outspoken as his boyfriend, but he was clearly smart and clearly adored his friends. Eddie and him had a really good conversation about a tv show they both watched. 

Stan was a bit of a wildcard at first, staying fairly quiet and only chiming in with witty comebacks and one-timers, but once they got talking, Eddie found himself really liking the man. They had talked about birds for a bit, which apparently Stan loved, and they had both already agreed to make matching birdfeeders. Patty, Stan’s girlfriend, was also one of the sweetest girls he had ever met. Eddie didn’t talk to her much, but she seemed nice enough whenever they talked. She was really bad at Cards against Humanity, blushing bright red and refusing to say all the worst words. 

Bev and Ben were amazing, and Eddie found himself gravitating to them often. Ben was possibly the sweetest man in the world, and Beverly swung between being just as sweet and caring and also being the most cutting and daring of them all. Their dynamic was intoxicating, and Eddie kind of latched onto them since Ben was probably the one he had the most one on one conversations with. 

And finally, there was Richie. Eddie wasn’t sure how to describe him. He was loud and brash, often not shutting up until one of the members told him the magic catchphrase of ‘Beep Beep Richie’. He wanted to be a comedian, and Eddie would admit that some of his jokes were funny, but most of them were just aggravating enough that Eddie had to roll his eyes at them. 

The man insisted on calling him Eds, or Eddie Spaghetti, or Eduardo, or really any other formation of his name. It drove Eddie insane, but a part of him deep down thrived at the nicknames, something that curled around his ribcage and settled deep inside his chest, purring in thankfulness. Eddie wasn’t sure what to make of it. 

The two of them exchanged barbs back and forth, and Eddie was sure he had never talked to a single person as much as he talked to Richie, even if half the words he said were some sort of scathing come back. 

Eddie was thriving. 

“So enough about all of us,” Mike said finally, leaning forwards. “Tell us a little about yourselves.” 

“Yeah,” Richie spoke up. “Eds! Where did you grow up?” 

“Oh,” Eddie said, his good mood sinking a little bit. He had been hoping to avoid this. “I um, I don’t really know.” 

“You don’t know?” Bev asked softly, a frown on her lips. “What does that mean?” 

“I-“ Eddie started, but Myka spoke up. 

“He lost his memory in a freak accident,” Myka said, his arm tightening around Eddie’s shoulders. It had been there most the night, in what should have been a calming manner but felt more possessive, overwhelming. “He doesn’t remember anything about his childhood.” 

“He could have told us himself you know,” Richie said, his voice unnaturally serious, his face was carefully blank, which was weird because Eddie had already figured out that Richie was more of a ‘wear your heart on your sleeve’ type of guy. 

Myka’s face darkened slightly at that, his hand curling around Eddie’s arm, fingers brushing over the exposed skin. Eddie tried not to shutter. 

“That’s horrible Eddie,” Ben cut in, his voice soft. “You remember nothing?” 

“Nope,” Eddie said quickly, before Myka could talk again. “Not a thing.” 

“What happened?” Patty asked. “If you don’t mind my nosiness of course.” 

“It’s fine,” Eddie said, plastering on his biggest smile. He wondered if they could see how plastic it was. “I don’t know what happened. The first few years were a blur. No one really told me after my mom passed and I moved out here.” 

The silence was heavy over them for a long moment. 

“It’s a touchy subject,” Myka said lowly, his other hand that was resting on his lap reaching over to run a finger up and down Eddie’s arm. “We don’t talk about it that much.” 

His words held a note of finality, and for a second they hung there, suspended, none of them sure how to move on from this. 

“You mentioned you were in school Eddie,” Stan said smoothly. “What do you go for?”

“Oh!” Eddie said, glad for the distraction. “I’m getting my medical degree; I want to be a doctor.” 

“Wow,” Ben said, a strange look in his eyes. “Why?” 

“Don’t know,” Eddie shrugged. “It just felt right.” 

“He’s trying to become the breadwinner in the house,” Myka said, bumping their shoulders together, his fingers still dancing up and down both his arms. “Still needs to repay me for buying him an apartment.” 

“Actually, your dead grandma bought me that apartment,” Eddie grumbled over the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly felt so uncomfortable with Myka’s fingers dragging over his skin. He always had a problem with skin to skin contact, but normally he was fine with Myka. 

“What are you going to school for Myka?” Ben asked politely. 

“Economics,” Myka said. “I’m attempting for my law degree next year.” 

“Law’s a pretty cool field to be in,” Patty said awkwardly, the silence after his statement too much. 

“Pays well too,” Myka said. “Giving Eds here a run for his money.” 

“That’s not my name,” He muttered on instinct, the words coming to him easily, like riding a bike. Myka’s fingers stopped on his arms, instead wrapping around them and squeezing tight. 

“Well,” Richie clapped. “I’ve had a ton of fun socializing, but if we don’t start this monopoly game right now I might spontaneously combust on the spot.” 

“Would that be a bad thing?” Eddie asked, smiling cheekily at Richie and just like that everything was back to normal, everyone arguing over who would get the little metal game pieces and who would have to find something else. 

“I’m going to tap out of the game,” Myka said just as they were finally giving out the last few pieces. 

“What?” Eddie asked, his spirits sinking. “Why?” 

“Cause you always fucking cheat!” Myka laughed, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. 

“I do not,” Eddie complained crossing his arms. 

“You always steal the money,” Myka rolled his eyes. 

“I do not,” Eddie said, his cheeks staining red. “You’re imagining things.” 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night baby,” Myka laughed, sitting back in his chair, eye raking up and down Eddie's figure. “I’ll just enjoy the view from back here.” 

Eddie turned away quickly, ignoring the look Stan gave him as he reached out and picked up the hat and placed it on the go square. 

“Are we going to start or what?” He asked, rolling the dice.

______________________________________

They left the apartment hours later. 

Stan and Patty had managed to win every single game of Monopoly they played, although Eddie suspected that Stan being the banker had some sort of influence over that. Bill managed to steal his number, saying that they had a group chat for everyone on the floor that they would add him too. He didn’t ask why they didn’t grab Myka’s number as well. 

He was more than a little tipsy, wine drunk and hanging off of Myka’s side, his boyfriend’s arms wrapped securely around him. 

“Thank you for having us over,” Myka said to Ben, who shook his hand. 

“It was lots of fun,” Eddie said, grinning at him. Ben easily grinned back. 

“Anytime, you guys have any type of problem just come knock on our door. We’ll have to all meet up again sometime soon.” Ben said, patting Eddie’s shoulder. 

“Bye everyone!” Eddie called out, pleased at the chorus of seven different calls of “bye!” that followed them out the door. Myka and him walked in silence to their room, Eddie’s head lying on his shoulder. 

Myka unlocked the door, walking them both in. The second they were inside their apartment Myka was shaking him off, leaving him standing in the doorway as Myka stomped off. 

“Myka?” Eddie called after him, sobering up slightly as he followed the man in. “What’s wrong? Did you not have fun?” 

Myka was standing in the kitchen, a bottle of beer in his hand. He hadn’t drink much when they were over there, preferring to grab a glass of water when asked if he needed anything. But now he was chugging back the beer like his life depended on it. 

“Did you?” Myka asked a few seconds later. 

“Yeah,” Eddie said, blinking slowly, his mind not quite following. “I had tons of fun, thank you so much for letting me go.” 

“Anytime darling,” Myka said, pulling him close and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I hated that Richie dude.” 

“What?” Eddie asked, pulling back. “Why? I thought he was nice.” 

“He was hitting on you!” Myka protested, throwing his hands into the air.

“He was not,” Eddie denied, his cheeks heating up. “He’s just like that.” 

“Then why wasn’t he like that to me?” Myka challenged. 

“Maybe because you were glaring at him the entire night?” Eddie threw up his hands, turning away. “Maybe if you tried to be nicer to the guy he wouldn’t have hated you.” 

“Oh, so you’re okay with him hating me, but not me hating him?” Myka asked. 

“That’s not-“ 

“Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Myka yelled, reaching out and yanking Eddie back, his hand clamping down hard on his shoulder. 

“Myka,” Eddie said slowly, his heart pounding. He felt sick. “Let me go.” 

“No, that dude was flirting with you the entire time and you just let him,” Myka ranted, and Eddie had never seen his boyfriend so angry. His grip was tightening more and more every second. “While I was sitting right there too!” 

“Myka please you’re hurting me,” Eddie whispered, his hand reaching up to try and pry his boyfriend's finger off. They clutched tighter, and suddenly he was getting pushed backwards, his back hitting the counter as Myka pressed against him, crowding him against the counter. 

“Your mine Eddie,” Myka whispered, his voice suddenly soft. “I love you so much, and it hurts me to see people flirting with you, especially more since you seemed to like it.” 

“I didn’t,” Eddie said softly, trying to squirm out of the grip, but Myka was effectively pinning him, like a butterfly to the paper. “I wasn’t flirting with him. I’m dating you.” 

“But you were flirting with him,” Myka’s voice grew louder, the anger coming back fast. Eddie felt his lungs start to overreact, and he was sure he was going to have a panic attack at any second. And fuck, he left his inhaler on the bedside table upstairs. “I heard you. You laughed at all his jokes, smiled at him, you kept talking to him and ignoring me! That counts as flirting.” 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said, tears pricking his eyes. He just wanted to go to bed, to forget this happened. He just wanted this to stop. “Please don’t be mad at me.” 

“I’m only mad because you messed up,” Myka said, his voice soft again. Eddie couldn’t decide if he liked it any better than when he was yelling. “I wouldn’t be like this if you didn’t act like you don’t love me. Do you even love me?” 

“Of course I love you,” Eddie whimpered, and Myka pressed closer to him, causing his back to dig into the hard marble painfully. “I love you.” 

Myka answered with a kiss, his lips crashing down onto Eddie’s with bruising force. Eddie’s hands reached up to push at Myka’s chest, but the man didn’t move an inch. 

It wasn’t a nice kiss, not like any of the others. It was clashing teeth and hands locked around Eddie’s face, holding him in place so he couldn’t move. He was barely even kissing back, just standing there in shock as Myka prodded at his lips with his tongue until Eddie reluctantly opened his mouth. Myla’s tongue swept into his mouth, but it didn’t feel passionate, it felt dominating, possessive. It made him feel gross. 

Pain blossomed in his mouth and he flinched back, Myka pulling back and grinning. Eddie’s hand reached up, cupping his bleeding lip. 

“You bit me,” He said in shock, staring at Myka with wide eyes. 

“Let’s go upstairs,” Myka said, stepping back, his hands remaining on Eddie’s waist so he couldn’t storm away. 

“I think I’m going to go stay with Adrian and Don tonight,” Eddie said, pushing at his hands, finally managing to free himself from the grip. He started towards the door, but Myka pushed in front of his way. 

“Don’t be dramatic Eddie,” Myka said, reaching out and trying to grab onto him. 

“I’m not being dramatic,” Eddie snapped. 

“Come on,” Myka said again, stepping to the side when Eddie tried to go around him. “Let’s go upstairs to bed okay?” 

Maybe it was because it was late, maybe it was because he was tired, maybe it was because he was a little tipsy, but either way, Eddie let Myka grab his hand and drag him upstairs. 

___________________________________

The next morning he woke up tired and sore, his head pounding with the remains of a hangover. He remembered now why he didn’t drink, he always had wicked headaches the next morning. 

He sat up, rubbing at his head and yawning, squinting at the clock beside the bed. It was nearly ten, which meant he had an hour before he had to be up for studying with Adrian. 

“Headache?” Myka said from the entrance, wiping his hands on a towel. “Your pills are on my bedside table.” 

“Thanks,” Eddie said awkwardly, reaching over and popping one into his mouth. 

“I made you breakfast,” Myka continued, walking in and sitting on the bed beside him. “I just wanted to apologize for being a dick last night, I was drunk and upset and you didn’t’ deserve that.” 

“Okay,” Eddie said softly, smiling hesitantly as he reached out towards Myka, pulling him into a hug. “It’s okay. I deserved it.” 

“You just need to stop making me so mad,” Myka whispered, pulling away and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Eddie said, not understanding why the words tasted like ash on his tongue. 

“Now come on,” Myka said, patting his hand. “I made waffles, your favourite.”


	5. To slowly learn of her ancient misery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally a lot longer, but I cut it down a tiny bit so it could flow better!! But here's some more development! More of Sonia being awful!

Eddie wasn’t really sure why he was here. 

He had skipped school specifically to be here no real reason, deciding on a whim to watch past his school and continue on until he reached the town’s doctor's office. 

He remembered going to this office when he was a child, his mother shuttling him there often whenever he as much as sniffled, declaring that he was sick and needed help. They went there for a year before the head doctor there told his mother off, declaring that he wasn’t sick and he wouldn’t see Eddie until he was. His mother just took him somewhere else, muttering about wastes of medical degrees and no good doctors who didn’t know what was best for her Eddie-bear. 

And yet he was here again, not quite sure why he walked into here of all places. 

“How may I help you?” The woman behind the counter said, a large smile on her face. 

“Um,” He said, wondering just what she could help him with. “I wanted to see Doctor Smith?” He asked, shifting from foot to foot. “I have some questions for him.” 

“You’re in luck then,” She said, typing on her keyboard. “He doesn’t have any appointments for another hour, so I should be able to pop you inside. Follow me.” 

She gets up and walks away, and for a second he wondered how in the world it could have possibly been that easy for him. 

He remembered the doctor through faint childhood memories, a large man with dark skin and a smooth voice, compassionate but stern, kind but firm. He looked the same now, even though Eddie was no longer an impressionable six-year-old looking for guidance. Doctor Smith glanced at him in surprise, before an easy smile settled on his face. 

“Ah, hello again Eddie Kaspbrak. Long time no see,” The man said, turning around to face him. “Your mother around?” 

“No,” Eddie said a little too quickly, shaking his head. “She doesn’t know I’m here.” 

Doctor Smith let out a sound of approval. “That’s all Linda, you can go now.” 

“Are you sure sir?” The secretary asked, her smile now gone as she glanced Eddie up and down with judgment. He shrunk under her gaze. 

“Yes, of course.” He said firmly, and she turned to walk out. “What brings you here today Mr. Kasbrak?” 

“Please,” Eddie said. “Call me Eddie.” 

“Okay Eddie,” Dr. Smith said. “Why are you here?” 

“Can I see my medical file?” Eddie blurted out, hunching over himself a bit more. “I want to know what’s wrong with me.” 

Dr. Smith’s eyes softened, and he smiled gently at Eddie. 

“Eddie, there’s nothing wrong with you,” He started, but Eddie wasn’t in the mood. He could practically hear his mother calling him asking him where he was despite the fact that his phone was off. 

“I need to know what I have,” He said firmly. “From a professional who can see my legitimate medical history, someone unaffected by my mom.” 

Dr. Smith only nodded, turning back to his computer. 

“Take a seat.” 

Eddie did. There was silence for a long moment, only disrupted by the clacking of the man’s fingers on keys. 

“You’ve grown to be quite the young man Eddie,” Dr. Smith said gently. “I didn’t think I would ever see you again after I sent your mom out.” 

“I didn’t think so either,” Eddie said softly, staring at his hands. “I don’t even know why I’m here.” 

“You’re here because you want the truth,” Dr. Smith said. “And I’m proud of you for trying to find it.”

Eddie smiled, nodding to himself. He remembered now why he looked up to the doctor as a kid, why he gravitated towards this office over every other way in the town. Not that there were many. There were only the two, and the other one was the doctor who prescribed him all the shit he took, so he felt like maybe they weren’t overly reliable. 

“That’s weird,” Dr. Smith whispered from his computer. 

“What is it?” Eddie asked, leaning forwards, his heart pumping loud enough that he could hear it in his ears. “What’s wrong?” 

“It shows here that you’ve been diagnosed with Epilepsy, but you’ve never shown any symptoms, and no one other than your mother had ever witnessed a seizure, even when you were kept at the hospital for a month.” The man said, a hand rubbing at his mouth. “It also claims you have severe allergies, but your allergy tests show that the only thing you’re allergic to are peanuts. You have asthma, but all tests come back negative. Honestly, the only thing here backed by proof is your anxiety.” 

“What does that mean?” Eddie whispered, feeling faint. 

“It means that half of your results and diagnoses are bullshit.” 

Eddie felt the floor drop out from under him. 

_____________________________________

“Where in the world have you been?” His mother snapped when he came home, worry coating her face. “You didn’t respond to any of my calls. Skipping school? What were you even doing? It’s so unlike you, was this because of those friends of yours?” 

“We need to talk mom,” Eddie whispered, his hand shaking. 

He felt weak, faint, exhausted, but most of all, he was angry.

Anger had always been the easiest feeling for him to feel. In fact, ever since he was a child it was burning no the inside of his skin, begging to be let out. Normally, he was able to contain it, but sometimes, when pushed just a little too far, it would escape. Anger came to him like an old friend, latching onto his sould, shaping and molding him into a new person. 

There was only one person he knew that had never been on the true side of his anger. Richie. Sure, Richie had annoyed him plenty, and there were times where they fought, but Eddie had never truly been angry at him. 

He had even fought with most of the losers, times when they just pushed a little too far and he couldn’t help but snap. Couldn’t help but fight even when he knew he was being unreasonable and childish. It was always Richie who brought them back together in the end, Richie who could calm the fire under his skin and help him see anything other than red. 

But right now? There was no Richie to calm him, nothing to quell the tidal wave crashing over him, making his hands curl into fists.

“I want to talk to you about my meds,” He said calmly, and he wondered why in the world his voice could sound so calm when all he wanted to do right now was scream until his lungs burst. 

“What about them?” His mother asked, a frown marring her face. “You have been taking them right? Oh my god, Eddie-bear please tell me you’ve been taking them is that why you’ve been so off lately? You know you can’t stop taking them, they’re important for your health you might die if you don’t-“ 

“Mom stop!” He said loudly, raising his hands to shut he up. “I know okay? You don’t have to pretend.” 

“You know what?” His mother asked, looking confused. “What in the world are you going on about?” 

“I know that they’re bullshit!” He screamed, the reins slipping from his hands. “I know I don’t have half the shit you told me about, I know my pills are all fake, I know this is all just a load of horseshit so please just stop pretending!” 

The room was quiet for a long moment, Eddie staring at his shocked mother's face, his chest heaving with labored breathing. 

His entire life had been a lie. 

Ever since he could remember he had been docilely popping pill after pill into his mouth, never questioning what they were for or if they were even meant for them. He got pulled out of gym class, had a morbid fear of literally _everything_, and what was it for? So that his mom would feel good? 

He had heard her talking to her friends before, going on and on about how hard it was to take care of Eddie, but how she needed to because no one else would. Did she do it for the attention? Was him thinking he was weak and frail just because she couldn’t handle to idea that she wouldn’t have the sympathy she did? 

“I don’t know what has gotten into you,” His mom said evenly, her voice soft. “But I think you need to lie down for a bit darling.” 

“I don’t need to lie down, I don’t need any pills, I don’t need to listen to any more of your bullshit,” He said, tears springing into his eyes. “You lied to me.” 

“I would never!” She exclaimed, tears running down her cheeks. “All my life, all I ever did was love you, look after you. I dedicated everything I had into making sure you were safe, healthy, and this is how you repay me? By accusing me of lying? By yelling and screaming and saying such horrible things to me after all that I’ve done for you?” 

“Stop it,” He said weakly, curling into himself. She only cried louder, her voice shaking as she pathetically sat there, tears marring her face. He felt a stab of guilt go through him, his anger halting at the sight of her distress. 

“I love you!” She continued. “I’ve given up everything for you! I work hour after hour to be able to afford the care you need. You wouldn’t survive a second without everything I do for you, and then you go off and accuse me of this? Who even told you all those lies? It was Dr. Smith, wasn’t it? I should get that man arrested for his meddling.” 

“Leave him out of this,” Eddie protested, some of the anger sparking back up into flames. It wasn’t enough to fully push away the ice-cold water that was his mother's sobbing. 

“Him and those friends of yours, convincing you that you’re braver than you think, that you can handle anything. You’re the bravest boy I know, and it’s not because you go out and romp around the woods, it’s because your weak. You are so brave because you are so frail and weak and yet you continue to live. That’s what makes you brave. You don’t need to do this to prove yourself.” His mother said softly, walking forwards and cupping his cheek. His stomach turned at the touch.

“I’m stopping my pills,” He whispered, attempting to be brave. 

“Don’t be silly,” His mom chided. “There’s no need for such dramatics.” 

“I’m serious,” He declared, raising his chin. “I’m stopping my medication.” 

“I’m starting to think I raised a girl with how you’re currently acting,” She sneered. “Those pills keep you alive Eddie-bear.” 

“No they don’t!” He whispered. “I know they don’t.” 

He could feel it in his gut, could feel the truth pulsing in his blood with every pump of his stable heart. 

“What about all those times you have your asthma attacks?” She asked. “Are those not real Eddie? What about when you were in fourth grade and you passed out due to eating something you weren’t supposed to? How about all those times you’ve passed out? When I’ve found you convulsing on the floor?”

“I’m not going to take them,” He repeated, although it felt weaker, because he was right. He could feel his throat closing up already, his breathing coming out in harsh wheezes the longer this conversation went on. He couldn’t explain that away, couldn’t explain away all the times he was sick before. But Dr. Smith said it was fake, he saw the records himself for god’s sake!

“If you stop taking them,” His mother said, her lip wobbling again. “I’ll lose you. Are you going to leave me like your father did? He’s dead Eddie, all because he wouldn’t listen to me when I told him to stop drinking. Are you going to follow him? Are you going to leave me all alone? I can’t live without you Eddie.” 

“Mommy please,” He whispered, stepping back, she followed him forwards. 

“You’re all I have left,” She whispered. “You’re all that gets me through the day. I won’t let you die because of some silly rebellious streak that you're going through. You hear me Eddie? I can’t lose you. So just go upstairs, take your pills, and we can talk more about this in the morning. You’re not going to school for the rest of the week.” 

“What?” He asked, recoiling. “You can’t do that, I have a test tomorrow, and I can’t just skip a bunch of school cause you want me to!”

“You should have thought of that before,” She sniffed. “And no seeing your friends until I say so, obviously they’re a bad influence on you.” 

“You can’t do this to me,” His voice wobbled. “I’ll leave, I’ll walk right out that door.” 

“No you won't darling,” His mom cooed, stepping closer. “You’re going to go upstairs, go to bed, and we’ll talk about it in the morning.” 

Something in her voice sent a chill down his spine, stealing the words from inside his mouth. And because Eddie was always a coward at heart, he turned around and walked upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has a wonderful Haloween today! What did you guys all dress up as? I went as an astronaut:)


	6. Sweet and right and merciful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys all are having a wonderful weekend!

Months passed, and Eddie found himself getting closer with the losers. 

He had only lived in the apartment for four months, but he would already consider them to be his best friends. Next to Adrian of course, because the man bitched for three weeks when Eddie said he was getting closer to the others. 

But they lived in a nice balance between his old life, and this nice new one. 

They would all consistently message in the group chat, stupid memes form Richie, random questions at 3 am from Bill, cute dog pictures from Ben. Eddie found himself glancing at his phone every time it buzzed, hoping for a message from them. Often, it was. Other people didn’t message him that much. 

Sometimes Ben and him would go to the library, Eddie to study for tests, and Ben just because he really loved the library. Mike normally came with too, marveling at the collections of books they had. All three of them would sit for hours at the table, sometimes sharing cool facts but normally just focusing on reading, not requiring talking to be close. Sometimes, Richie came along to bug them. He never read, or even picked out a book, but he would read over everyone’s shoulders, making stupid comments and funny voices.

Bill and him cooked together. Every time the Losers would have a get-together, Bill would invite him over early so they could prepare the meal and snacks. Bill had an art for food, and Eddie loved to give input. The two of them worked well together, dancing around each other as they grabbed ingredients, sometimes having up to five dishes on the go at once. Richie would sometimes come to, only to sit on the counter and eat any leftover food, throwing things at them every time they passed. 

Bev and him liked to go to movies together, the two of them going to stupid rom-com movies that everyone else hated. She was the only person that didn’t mock him for crying at the sad parts. Myka refused to go to movies with him anymore, because he always got so emotional every time something remotely sad happened. Beverly only cried with him, the two of them sniffling messes after as they gushed over how good it was. Ben would join sometimes too, and Eddie somehow never felt like a third wheel with the two of them, and Ben cried more than the two of them combined. 

Stan and him did a few things, depending on the man’s mood. Often, they would sit outside on their balconies and just softly talk, Stan pointing out his favorite birds while Eddie talked his ear off. Other times, Stan just needed some time alone, some peace and quiet. Eddie was always there during those times, if both Patty and Bill were busy. He would go over and the two of them would just sit in the dark, candles burning as they just existed. It was calming, relaxing, nice. 

And then there was Richie. Eddie was almost embarrassed to admit it, but he was probably the closest to Richie, despite Myka’s despair. The man just wouldn’t leave him alone sometimes, walking him to campus in the afternoons and always waiting for him when class was done. Sometimes they went to movies, sometimes just out to the diner on the corner, but no matter what they did, Eddie enjoyed it. Richie had some horrible jokes, ones that made Eddie honest to god want to punch the man, but mostly he just laughed. Richie was familiar, the two of them clicking together easily. 

He found that even in the short amount of time he had known them, he had become a loser like them. Which normally wasn’t’ something someone wanted to say, but in this context, Eddie didn’t want anything else. 

“Hey Numbnuts,” Adrian said, snapping his fingers. “You paying attention here?” 

“Of course,” Eddie said smoothly, even though he wasn’t paying attention at all. 

“Go over your terms again,” Adrian ordered, popping his fourth piece of gum into his mouth.

Eddie obliged, going over every term and definition, carefully thinking of each one. 

School was kicking his ass. Not too much, but just enough to stress him out. Enough to stress him out a lot. 

His midterms were coming up, and Eddie was beyond stressed about it. He couldn’t explain why he wanted to pass so bad, but he knew that if he failed this, he would legitimately die. He knew that a part of him had always wanted to be a doctor, a desire that had survived past whatever tragedy took his memories. It was as familiar as watching a movie that brought faint memories back, eating the food he had before, popping pills into his mouth. 

There was a knock on the door. 

“Who is it?” Eddie called out, slightly irritation pricking his skin. He was halfway through his first set of definitions, and he really didn’t want to slow the roll quite yet. 

“The president of the United States,” A horrible imitation called through. “Hide the drugs and the guns, I’m coming in!” 

Eddie rolled his eyes as the door opened and Richie walked in, grinning proudly. 

“It’s getting better yes?” He asked, practically skipping in. 

“Nope,” Eddie said dryly. “Richie, this is Adrian Meller, my friend.” 

“Oh my gosh!” Richie cried. “The famous Adrian?” 

“Oh god I hate him already,” Adrian joked, a bright smile on his face. “I’ve heard plenty about you Tozier.” 

“Ooh, last names,” Richie teased. “Sexy.” 

“He’s dating someone Richie,” Eddie sighed, smiling slightly. He could feel the stress running out of his veins slowly. 

“Ugh, why are all the cute guys taken?” Richie complained. “First you Spaghetti now this hunk? Why am I the only one that’s painfully single? I’m bi! I should have much better luck than the two of you.” 

“Oh shove it up your ass,” Eddie said, smacking his shoulder. “You guys want a drink?” 

“Any alcohol you have,” Adrian groaned dramatically. “I keep forgetting I Have to study after you.” 

“You two nerds are studying?” Richie asked. 

“Don’t slander my name like that,” Adrian gasped. “I am an author, not a nerd.” 

“You should talk to Bill then,” Richie said. “He wants to be an author too.” 

The two of them continued talking as Eddie walked into the kitchen, their conversation fading from his ears. He went to the fridge inspecting what they had inside. Myka had a few beers, but he would go absolutely mental if Eddie used one of those. And Eddie was trying his best not to make his boyfriend mad.

They hadn’t had a fight since the one after the party. In fact, everything had been perfect. Myka took him out to his favorite restaurants, listened to him talk for hours without claiming he was bored, bought him cute little presents for no reason. It reminded Eddie of why he fell in love with him in the first place, why he agreed to move in with him. 

That one time was a fluke, Eddie was sure of it. 

He grabbed two wine glasses and poured some of his favorite cherry wine into it, walking back into the living room. 

Adrian and Richie both shut up fast when he walked back in, staring at him with slightly guilty faces, Eddie hated it. 

The other thing he noticed over the month was the abundance of people staring at him weirdly. He was really starting to hate it. 

He would be hanging out with Bill and mention the likeliness of them burning down the kitchen, only to turn and see Bill staring at him with an almost lost expression on his face. It only lasted for a second before Bill fixed it, but it lasted in Eddie’s mind. It was the same with everyone else, he would be doing something completely normal, when they would all just stop to stare at him like he had antlers growing out of his head. 

Every time he asked about it, they would all brush it off, claiming that they didn’t feel good or in Richie’s case, just claim he was admiring how adorable Eddie looked when pissed. Eddie wasn’t sure what to think about any of it. 

Adrian left an hour later, saying that Don and him had a date, and then it was just Richie and him. 

“You want to go back to my place?” Richie asked. 

“What?” Eddie blinked. “Why?” 

“I have actual good alcohol for one,” Richie said dryly. 

“Hey! Fuck you!” Eddie laughed despite himself. “I’ll have you know this is the best cherry wine in this state.” 

“Oh god, I wouldn’t want to try any other type then,” Richie groaned. “Do you actually enjoy drinking this sissy drink?” 

“Oh, because you're so much more masculine drinking your fucking drain cleaner right?” 

“Hey, drain cleaner is delicious so I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Richie said. “It’s better than the cranberry juice you’re swallowing.” 

“It’s cherry!” 

“Come on,” Richie is laughing, a full-bodied sound that makes Eddie’s chest warm. He liked making Richie laugh. “Let’s go over to my place.” 

They do.

Richie’s place is a lot smaller than any of the others, since he’s the only loser staying by himself. But it’s still relatively nice, with a large living room with a large tv that Eddie loved watching movies on. 

His current favorite thing is watching movies. Myka was never one for movies, and normally Eddie had trouble sitting through one, especially at the movie theater where everything was just so gross, but he found he loved it either way. Richie was the one who introduced him to it, showing him The Princess Bride. They had re-enacted the sword fight later. 

But Eddie and Richie had been marathoning all the movies Richie had watched as a kid, all the ones that Eddie had probably seen at one point, but had been wiped clean from his mind. Richie would sometimes tell him stories of sitting in the theater, comments that him and his friend made. 

They were watching “I was a Teenaged Werewolf,” and Eddie was in absolute stitches over the stories Richie was telling. 

“And my friend dumped an entire bucket of popcorn on Henry fricken Bowers, possibly the most terrifying person in that town. And instead of like, running or pretending it wasn’t us, I freaked out and dumped my soda onto him. It was liberating.” 

Eddie’s cheeks hurt with how much he was smiling, laughing at the image of a young Richie choosing to dump an entire pop onto his childhood bully. He was barely even watching the movie at this point. 

“My friend wouldn’t stop bitching about it for weeks after that, I think he was convinced Bowers was going to kill the two of us,” Richie said, a soft smile on his face. “I never told him, but I enjoyed it when he bitched at me. He was an annoying little shit sometimes, but endearing. Super cute.” 

“You never actually told me his name,” Eddie said softly. “Or what happened to him. But he's in so many of your stories.” 

“Does it bug you?” Richie asked suddenly. “Not remembering?” 

“What?” 

“If you had the choice, would you want to know what happened?” Richie said, looking at him with a strangely intense look in his eyes. Eddie wasn’t sure how the conversation got here. 

“I’m not sure,” He says honestly. He never really thought of it. Whenever he brought up his memory loss to Myka the man changed the topic, saying it wasn’t healthy for him to obsess over things beyond his control. “A part of me wants to know, because it’s my life and obviously it sucks not knowing any of it. But on the other hand, it’s easier. You know? It’s easy to live my life and pretend like I’m no different, like I know where I grew up, what I did as a child? I don’t want to learn that I was apparently, I don’t know, really into chess. I don’t want things to change, and I think that it would if I learned.” 

He looked over at Richie, who was staring at him with wide eyes, a look on his face that said so much, but Eddie wasn’t sure what language it was in. 

“You are avoiding the question,” Eddie said softly. “What happened to your friend.” 

“Everything was going great,” Richie said softly, his voice quieter than Eddie had ever heard it. “Like really good, almost perfect. And one day he was gone. Just poof, disappeared. Practically told me that he didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, or have anything to do with me or the others.” 

“Fuck Richie,” Eddie whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Richie says, and he sounds choked. “I don’t know what happened to him. He was gone for so long, then he was back one day and then just gone again. And everything changed a little while ago and suddenly all of it’s coming back and I don’t know what to do about it.” 

“Do whatever feels right,” Eddie said softly. “Do what you think is good for you, and whatever feels right for the situation.” 

Richie stared at him for a long time. 

“You should be happy,” Eddie said fiercely, impulsively reaching out and grabbing Richie’s hand, squeezing it once. “No matter how hard it may be to get there.” 

“Eddie,” Richie whispered, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. “There’s something I need to tell you about-“ 

“Hey Loser!” Beverly said loudly as he barged through the door, grinning widely. She paused when she saw Eddie, her eyes darting to their clasped hands. Eddie pulled his hand away without another thought. Not that there was anything to be worried about, bros hold hands all the time. “Or should I say Losers, hey Eddie.” 

“Hi,” He said awkwardly. 

“Sooooooo,” Bev said, raising an eyebrow. “Want to go get pizza for dinner? Ben's buying.” 

“I can’t,” Eddie frowned. “I have to make Myka dinner.” 

“Myka’s a grown-ass man,” Richie scoffed. “He can make his own dinner once. Won’t kill him.” 

“I don’t know, he’ll probably give himself food poisoning,” Eddie said, rolling his eyes. He looked over at Richie, hesitating slightly. “Do you want to keep talking for a bit? I know you were in-“ 

“It’s cool Spaghetti,” Richie grinned, and Eddie couldn’t help but notice how plastic it was. “Go cook for your mans.” 

Eddie wanted to push it, opened his mouth to and everything. But he could see something in Richie’s eyes, something he was not able to deal with. So he smiled at him and Bev, before slipping out the door and walking back to his own apartment. 

__________________________

“Babe,” Myka sighed, his eyes still glued to the screen. “You’re freaking out over nothing.” 

“This is not nothing,” Eddie snapped, walking in circles around the kitchen. His hands were curled in the arms of his sweater, pulling and tugging at the fabric. He was practically buzzing out of his body, shaking with nerves and unrestrained nervous energy. “This is a test that could literally decide my future.” 

“And you’ve been studying for almost three months now,” Myka said, sounding tired. “You’re driving me crazy with all that useless pacing.”

Eddie stopped moving, standing still for all of twenty seconds before he started pacing again. 

He couldn’t help it, he just needed to move. He could feel the stress running through his veins, and he felt like if he stopped for even a minute it would overwhelm him, and he would be lost in a sea of panic, swallowing him whole. 

He had already cleaned the entire apartment seven times that day, only able to rest a few minutes in between his cleans because the relief was so fleeting at the moment. He felt like nothing could help him, nothing could calm him down. 

His test was tomorrow. If he didn’t pass, he could potentially get kicked out of the program. He was ready for it, of course he was, but it didn’t feel that way. There were a million possible ways it could go wrong, a million ways he could miss or fail that test. His entire life had been leading up to this moment, and if this was a movie, this would be the climax. 

Ever since he could remember, he wanted to be a doctor. A primal urge deep inside him, urging him to go to medical school, to keep with it, to continue on with this carer. He couldn’t imagine doing anything else. What would he even do? Become a fucking accountant? A limo driver? A bartender? 

He didn’t know. All of those seemed like pretty shitty alternatives to his literal dream job. 

“Eddie!” Myka snapped, turning around in his seat to glare at him. Eddie stopped, blushing red like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Jesus Christ, would you just calm down?” 

“You think I want to be like this?” Eddie hissed. “I would love to be calm right now.” 

Myka groaned, climbing off the couch and storming to the washroom, Eddie felt a spike of anger run through him as he continued pacing, tears filling his eyes. He didn’t get what he did wrong, why Myka was suddenly so mad at him over this. He knew he was annoying, knew he should just stop, but he couldn’t. Didn’t Myka understand that? Did Myka know he didn’t mean to be annoying? 

“Babe,” Myka whispered, coming back from the washroom and grabbing his hand. Eddie stilled, staring at the bottle Myka handed to him. “Take one of these, they’re your anxiety pills.” 

“I don’t have anxiety pills,” Eddie muttered, staring at the bottle. He knew what they were, knew they were what Eddie used to sleep. “Those are yours.” 

“But they work, don’t they?” Myka countered. “It’ll help baby, just take a few. It should help you.” 

Eddie obediently opened the bottle and grabbed a pill, placing it on his tongue and swallowing it down. 

“Another,” Myka ordered, shaking another into his hand. 

Eddie knew he shouldn’t, knew that he shouldn’t be taking these pills at all, but he could already feel his heart rate slowing down. So he popped the other into his mouth. 

Almost like magic, the buzzing feeling in his head stopped, and he could feel calmness racing over him with water, and he found that he could actually breathe again. 

“Better?” Myka asked, pulling him closer. Eddie only nodded. “Keep them on you, and just take one every time you feel stressed. Okay?” 

“That’s irresponsible,” Eddie muttered. “You are only supposed to take them how they’re prescribed.” 

“It’ll be fine,” Myka said, his voice firm as the grip on Eddie’s arms tightened. 

Eddie wanted to argue more, but he looked down at the little bottle in his hand instead. It had helped, it really did. There was no logical reasoning as to why it helped calm him down so much, since the pills wouldn’t have even taken time to kick in yet, but he felt so much better. Almost like it was a psychological reaction. Which made no sense. 

Logically, it should be a no brainer. Taking unprescribed pills was bad. There, done. But the pills made him better, and how could that be bad? Why should he deprive himself of that comfort if they’ve done no harm yet? 

Eddie slipped the bottle into his pocket. 

Myka smiled as he kissed him, Eddie didn’t think much about it.


	7. Run until you feel your lungs bleeding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Int his chapter, a jailbreak, gay panic, and the question of why I keep writing them in situations where Mike isn't there. Where is he? Where's my boy? Getting homeschooled like a loser is the answer.

The first thing Eddie did when he woke up the next morning was to check his bedroom door. 

Unsurprisingly, it was locked. 

His mom had installed the lock on his tenth birthday, after he tried to sneak out to Bill’s house for a birthday party. It locked only on the outside, leaving him unable to lock or unlock it when he wanted to. 

The next thing he did was walk to the window. 

It was locked as well. 

That’s when he started to panic. The lock on his window was put in place only a year ago, and so far this was the first time she actually used it. It was mostly an attempt at her trying to keep him in, an empty threat put there even though she normally couldn’t be bothered to walk outside and actually lock it. 

But it was locked, and Eddie was firmly trapped inside his room, a bug in a glass jar. 

He sat down on his bed, forcing himself to remain calm and avoid the urge to reach for his inhaler, the object lying on his bedside table. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, still tired from waking up as he zoned in and out of a waking state, staring blankly at the ceiling. 

He heard the lock click, and he sat up on his bed, his limbs feeling oddly fuzzy. 

His mom walked through the door, a tray in her hands. 

“I made you some food,” She said softly, placing it on the bed beside him. He didn’t move towards it, content to continue staring at the ceiling, ignoring her existence. “You need to eat when you take your pills or else you will be sick.” 

“I’m not taking them,” Eddie said evenly, his voice oddly dead. “You can’t change my mind Mom.” 

“Eddie,” His mom said, a warning note in her voice. 

“Don’t ‘Eddie’ me,” He snapped. “Just get out of my room.” 

“You need to take your pills,” She said, her voice colder than he had ever heard it. “You understand me? I just want what’s best for you, and you need to take your pills.” 

Eddie remained quiet. 

“Baby please,” She tried again, her voice soft. “You’re sick. You just need to take your pills, and then everything will be fine again. We can forget all about this if you just take your pills. I don’t want to hurt you Eddie, I would never hurt you.” 

He didn’t make a sound. 

“I don’t even know how this got into your mind,” She continued. “As if I would ever want to hurt you, harm you. I’m your mother! I love you so much, more than anyone else. I would never give you fake pills, I would never fake anything about your health. You’re too frail to pull a stunt like this.” 

Eddie closed his eyes, reached out a hand, and shoved the tray of food off the bed with a clatter. 

“Edward Kaspbrak, that is the last straw,” His mother hissed, and before he knew what was happening she grabbed his shirt and pulled him off the bed, letting him fall into a tangle of limbs on the ground. “I love you baby, but this is outrageous. You are to stay here and think about how bad you’re being. You’ll stay here until you apologize and start taking your pills again, is that understood?” 

Eddie stayed quiet, biting his tongue so hard he thought he tasted blood on the tip of his teeth. It made him want to puke. 

“I’m doing this for you baby,” She whispered. “I don’t like hurting you, but you give me no choice here.” 

She turned and stormed out, the lock clicking on the door once again. 

Eddie was left alone with a locked door, complete silence, and a slice of burnt toast sitting on his floor, a glob of oatmeal staining into his carpet.

_____________________________________

His mother didn’t come back for the rest of the day, leaving him alone in his room with no food and nothing to do. 

He read a couple of comics, listened to his tapes at an obnoxiously loud volume, and paced around his room until he was sure he was going to walk a hole into the floor. 

That’s how he lived for the next three days. 

In the morning his mother would come in with a plate of food, and the same scene would play out. She would try and guilt him into taking his pills, he would almost fall for it, and in a last-ditch attempt at ignoring the tumbling confusion flooding his veins he would shove it off the bed. He would then pointlessly fill the day with meaningless things until he thought he would go out of his mind with boredom. 

He wondered how far behind he was getting in class. He had missed four days already, and he was pretty sure he had a project due in like two days. He wondered if the losers were wondering where he went. They probably thought he was sick again, and forgot all about him until he either was declared missing or gave up and got released from the prison he called home. 

It was almost 4 pm when the rock hit his window.

It nearly gave him a heart attack, the noise startling him from where he lay on the bed, curled up into a ball as he stared at the wall. He jumped to his feet, nearly falling over himself in order to make it to the window and shove back the curtains blinking at Richie’s face smiling up at him. 

Richie waved, gesturing at him to open the window. Eddie held up a finger, racing away and grabbing a pas of paper and a pen. He sat on the window sill and wrote out a message, turning it around so that Richie could see. 

**“WINDOW AND DOOR ARE LOCKED. CAN’T GET OUT.”**

Richie blinked in surprise, frowning for a second before his face lit up, and he held up a finger, making some wild gestures that Eddie couldn’t follow. Then he was gone, picking up his bike and running to the front of the house. 

Eddie waited for him. He had nothing better to do. 

Ten minutes later the phone rang. He could hear his mother talking through the walls, the muffled conversation sounding frantic. Seconds later he heard the front door slam. Five minutes after that Richie was back, grinning widely. 

He climbed up the tree near Eddie’s window, maneuvering himself close before he clicked open the lock and slipped inside. 

“Hey Eds,” Richie said when he was in, and Eddie felt like he could breathe again. “I’m here to rescue the fair maiden.” 

“How did you get her to leave?” Eddie asked. 

“Went to Bens, got his mom to call her with a baking emergency. Should buy us nearly an hour.” Richie said with a grin that Eddie gladfully returned. “I missed you, figured she had locked you up again. Refused to let any of us see you, basically swore me out when I showed up every day. Did you know she thinks I’m a dirty queer with probably has AIDs running through my blood? That’s not what she called me last night when I was balls-“ 

Eddie cut him off with a hug. 

He couldn’t help it. It was just so good to see Richie, to hear that everyone was trying to see him, that they hadn’t given up on him. 

“Not that I don’t love hugging you,” Richie said softly, his arms hesitantly wrapping around Eddie’s body. “Is everything okay Eds?” 

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie whispered, clutching on tighter. It was the first contact the had since he was first locked in his room, and he missed Richie and the others more than he could have possibly imagined. Being here, standing with Richie’s arms wrapped around him, he felt that maybe everything would be okay again. 

“Eddie?” Richie asked again, and he could feel the vibrations of Richie speaking through his chest, the words seeming to surround and fill Eddie up with a warmth he couldn’t describe. 

He remembered himself, pulling away quickly and stepping back, his cheeks burning red. Richie and him were always tactile, it was just a fact of their relationship, but hugging him for almost two minutes straight was kind of weird. 

“Hey,” Richie said, and his voice sounded so soft with worry. “You good there?” 

Eddie could only shake his head.

Richie grabbed his hand, the warmth seeping into Eddie’s skin as the boy lead Eddie over to his bed, the two of them sitting down. 

“Tell me everything,” Richie said. “Why did she lock you in?” 

“I stopped taking my pills,” Eddie declared, staring at their still entwined fingers. 

“Really?” Richie asked, sounding impressed. “Please tell me you figured out they were bull before you stopped taking them.” 

“Well, I’m not dead yet so I figured I’ll be fine,” Eddie deadpanned. Richie pulled a face. “Okay yeah, I talked to a doctor.” 

“And?” Richie prompted. 

“It’s fake,” Eddie whispered. “Bullshit. She lied to me. Most of my pills are fake prescriptions, I don’t have fucking asthma, and my entire life had been a lie.” 

Richie didn’t say anything for a long time. 

Eddie looked up at him, scared that maybe he said the wrong thing, maybe he upset him with the confession. But when he looked, Richie was only staring at him, a dazed look on his face. His large brown eyes were wide, and Eddie found himself studying them, staring at the chocolate color that seemed to draw him in, enchanting him with every second he looked. 

The lights were off in his room, the only light coming from the open window. It caused Richie’s skin to almost glow, his hair shining in the beam of sunlight that shone upon him. Eddie thought that at that moment, no one had ever looked as stunning as Richie did. 

The thought sent his stomach rolling, his mom’s voice in the back of his mind whispering about evil vile men, the diseases that they carried. His mom hated gay people more than anyone else in the world, and if she knew what thoughts Eddie were having? The perverse ideas floating through his mind? She would be disgusted.

Eddie tried his best to be a good son, to follow the rules and listen to everything she said. She loved him, in a twisted way she did. And he loved her back no matter how many times he tried not to. She told him that she was always right, that she knew what was best for him. But the pills were wrong, she lied about those, so maybe she lied about the other things too? 

“I’m sorry Eds,” Richie finally whispered, and he was darting forwards again, wrapping his arms around Eddie and for a second Eddie was going to pull away. He knew these thoughts were wrong, it wasn’t just his mom telling him that. It was everyone he had ever known, saying that gay people were wrong and disgusting and that they needed to be cured, but he had heard whispers from outside his town, magazines that Beverly brought back from her trips to Portland. He knew what pride was, knew that people were pushing for gay rights. 

So instead of pulling away, he relaxed into Richie’s arms, allowing him the comfort of having his friend’s strong arms surrounding him, protecting him, comforting him. 

Eddie never wanted to move from this place, sitting on his bed with Richie’s arms around him, his large hands rubbing Eddie’s back. 

“Thank you,” Eddie whispered into the silence. 

“For what?” 

“For being here,” Eddie shrugged. “For coming, for believing me, for always supporting me.” He pulled back so he could look into Richie’s eyes. “For being my best friend.” 

Richie opened and closed his mouth, before clearing his throat. Eddie could see the change on his face, see some kind of wall constructing before his eyes. 

“What else was I supposed to do?” He said, a teasing note to his voice. “I need to get you out of the house because fucking your mom is so hard when you’re here, she just can’t keep quiet.” 

“Fuck you,” Eddie said, shoving Richie’s shoulder. The other boy laughed, falling back onto the bed, his hair fanning out under him. 

“We should go to the arcade,” Richie said, staring at the ceiling. 

“I’m still under house arrest, my mom will freak if I leave,” Eddie said quietly, glancing at the door like she would walk in any second. 

“So what? Screw her,” Richie scoffed. “Serves her right. You’re sixteen years old, she can’t just lock you up.” 

“I mean,” Eddie said. “She actually can.” 

“Not anymore,” Richie said cheerfully. “I’ll bust you out daily. Come unlock the window so you can come to school. Show her that you’re not listening to her any longer, that you’re your own man and she can’t control you. Not after pulling shit like that.” 

Eddie smiled, lying down beside Richie and grinning at the boy. 

“Okay,” He whispered. “Let’s go to the arcade.” 

_________________________________

The next morning, Eddie woke up early, getting ready for school like normal. He lined up his pills one by one on his counter and took his water bottle, smashing them into little pieces. It made something inside him glow with pride. Five minutes before his mom normally came in to wake him up he heard the small click of a lock and his window slipped open, Richie mischievous grin staring at him. 

“Come on Eds, this is a jailbreak,” Richie said, reaching in as he grabbed Eddie’s bag for him, climbing down the tree and waiting as Eddie slipped down after him, the two of them running as fast as they could away from the house, laughing the entire time. 

“Imagine the look on her face when she walks in and you’re gone, the window open,” Richie said, laughing as they walked towards the school. Richie driving up to his house would have been too suspicious, and his bike broke the night before so they decided to simply walk. It wasn’t too bad, the weather outside still relatively warm. 

“I’m going to die when I go back,” Eddie warned, but he was smiling. “Worth it though.” 

“Look at you!” Richie said, bumping their shoulders together. “Being all brave and shit. My little spaghetti all grown up.” 

Eddie’s chest glowed at the praise, as stupid as it was. 

“Shut up,” Eddie grumbled, his fingers dancing along his waist to where he still had his fanny pack clipped around him. “I want to get rid of this.”

“What?” Richie asked, stopping. “Really?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie laughed, feeling a tiny bit hysterical as he unclipped it, holding the object in his hands. He had been wearing this ever since he was six years old and able to carry all the things his mom said he needed. But now, he knew that he didn’t. 

He crumpled it up as small as he could and chucked it off into the woods, the fabric sailing through the sky and landing somewhere with a satisfying crunch. 

“Take that mom!” He screamed, laughing as hard as he could as Richie let out a whoop and grabbed at Eddie, picking him up and spinning him around. Normally he would smack Richie and complain about being manhandled, but he was too ecstatic to complain for once. 

It was freeing, it really was. To smash his pills to bits, to sneak away from his mother, to throw the last piece of evidence of his fake illness. He liked this side of himself, the side that argued with his mom, the side that ran free, the brave side. 

He didn’t even know being brave was an option. Not until he marched into that doctor’s office and talked to Dr. Smith himself. Not until he yelled at his mother and felt the rage stirring in his chest, reminding him that he didn’t need to take her shit. 

He felt free for the first time in his life. 

Richie leaned in and kissed his forehead, and Eddie swore his heart stopped. 

He found himself hyper focusing on the press of Richie’s lips against the skin, the warmth of his lips against his chilly skin. Richie pulled back grinning, and Eddie lost his breath as he stared at him, noting the way his skin crumpled when he smiled, the way his eyes shone and sparkled, the slight blush to his cheeks. Richie truly was beautiful, and Eddie found that he couldn’t stop staring. 

He wasn’t sure what brought this on, why he was only just now realizing these things about his best friend, but he could help it. He cared about Richie, and not in the way he cared about Bill, Stan, Bev, or really any of the other Losers. Richie was special to him; he would always be special. 

Oh fuck. 

Oh hell no. 

There was no way Eddie liked Richie. Not in a million years. Eddie thought Richie was possibly the most disgusting person in the world, and he was most likely straight. He joked about having sex daily, and would stare at girls all the time in class. So even if Eddie did like him, and that was a big if, it would never work out. 

But Eddie didn’t even like him, so that wasn’t a problem. Richie was crude, made horrible jokes, and washed his hands maybe like twice in his entire life, so there was no way. He barely tolerated Richie as a friend, let alone a love interest. It was just impossible. Not happening. No way. 

Richie was disgusting, and even if Eddie thought that at times he was quite pretty, and sometimes his jokes were funny, and Eddie’s stomach flipped whenever Richie touched him, that didn’t mean a thing. Because Eddie wasn’t even gay. He just wasn’t into girls yet, but it would come. 

“I’ll race you to school,” Eddie blurted out, desperately pushing the thoughts racing through his mind far away, far far away. Somewhere where he would never find it. 

“You’re on,” Richie grinned, and the two of them took off down the street, their feet pounding against the road. 

____________________________________

The Loser’s were waiting outside the school when Eddie and Richie ran in, both out of breath and gasping. Eddie won the race, but he highly suspected that Richie cheated. 

As soon as Ben caught sight of him, his face quite literally lit up. 

“Eddie!” Ben cheered, racing off the steps with the rest of the Loser’s on his heels. H was the first one there, practically jumping into Eddie’s arms. “Are you okay? I missed you so much, we all did.” 

“Speak for yourself,” Stan grumbled, but he was smiling as his eyes roamed over Eddie as if checking for anything wrong. “Where’s your fanny pack? Don’t you need your meds?” 

“Nope!” Eddie said cheerfully, the fluttering feeling of freedom still buzzing in his chest. “They’re fake, gazebos. I don’t need them.” 

The Loser’s were silent for a moment, glancing at each other as if wondering if he was joking or not. 

“Okay,” Bev was the first to break the silence, shrugging her shoulders. “That’s cool. Fuck your mom I guess.” 

“Hey,” Richie protested. “I’m the only one allowed to fuck Eddie’s mom.” 

“Gross,” Stan snorted, shaking his head. “You’re disgusting Richie.” 

“Awe come on Stan; you love me.” 

“We s-should skip,” Bill suddenly spoke up. 

“Wait what is this?” Richie gasped dramatically, a hand pressing to his chest. “Saint Bill wanting to skip?” 

“B-beep beep,” Bill rolled his eyes. “W-we haven’t seen Eddie in a-ages. We should juh-just go down to the Quarry and hang out. It’s a Friday a-after all.” 

“I like that idea,” Eddie spoke up. Everyone stared at him. 

“Eddie you hate the idea of skipping,” Ben said, sounding slightly confused and concerned. “What’s going on?” 

“I’ve been cooped up inside for almost four days,” Eddie shrugged. “I don’t really want to stay cooped up in school.” 

“You heard the man Losers,” Richie said, slinging an arm over Eddie’s shoulders. “Let’s text Mike and see if he can come, it’s official Loser’s Skip School day!” 

Eddie laughed as they all walked away from school, Richie’s arm still wrapped around his shoulder. It felt nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually having so much fun writing this story guys, so just thanks for reading and encouraging me because it means so much to me.


	8. Open hand or closed fist would be fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't already dislike Myka, you'll hate him even more after this chapter!!

Eddie wasn’t sure how he let it happen, but it did. 

Myka said that he missed him, that he barely saw him anymore in between school and Eddie hanging out with his new friends. So he let Myka convince him into spending a week with him every day after school, and Eddie declined every offer that came his way. 

It was fine. He missed his friend, but it was worth it to sit in the apartment with Myka, rekindling the fire that was their relationship. Except something was wrong. Something always seemed wrong. 

Myka almost appeared like he didn’t want to touch him. 

It was odd, mostly because Myka loved touching him. He loved holding Eddie’s hand, or placing a hand on his lower back, or an arm slung around his shoulder. He said that he just loved showing everyone that Eddie was his, that he was proud that no one except himself got to touch Eddie like that. It was sweet. 

But lately, Myka barely seemed able to brush skin with him. 

When they sat down for movie night, instead of cuddling like they used to Myka would sit on the opposite side of the couch, refusing to even brush legs with Eddie. They interacted the same way, laughing and joking and making fun of the show, but without the tactile aspect of it, Eddie felt lost. 

It was the same with hugging, with the casual touched as they moved by each other, cuddling at night. Myka seemed distant, far away, almost like he was avoiding touching Eddie. Like Eddie was dirty, infected, unable to be touched. He hated it. 

He also noticed throughout the week that his anxiety was getting worse, despite the use of his pills. It helped his anxiety in the moment, but it seemed to cloud his mind, causing him to zone out more, to lose track of his thoughts more often than he used to. It unsettled him, but not enough to give up the instant relief they gave him in the middle of a panic attack. 

It was a Friday evening, and Eddie was lying in his bed, trying to pretend like Myka hadn’t shooed him away when Eddie attempted to give him a hug earlier. He was just scrolling through his phone when it dinged, informing him that the latest mark in his course was posted. Eddie clicked on the link. 

He passed. 

Eddie couldn’t help the excitement from blooming inside his chest, a grin lighting up his face. He was so stressed over that, he almost slept through the exam in the first place, barely making it on time. But somehow he managed to pass, with a fucking 95% as well. 

The first thing he did was text Adrian. 

**Eddie:**_I passed my test!!_

Adrian’s first message was a string of ten emojis of various emotions. Other messages filtered in almost at a rapid-fire pace. 

**Adrian**_ OMG! _

**Adrian** _ That’s amazing!!_

**Adrian**_ I’m so proud of my little boy! _

**Adrian**_ I’m tots taking you out for drinks at that bar you like_

**Adrian** _Bring whoever is in the mood to PARTY! _

Eddie giggled, quickly sending Adrian a confirmation that he could go. Sure, Myka said that he didn’t want Eddie going out with anyone for a while, but surely he would understand right? This was a major test, and he passed it with flying colors. Myka would want to celebrate with him.

He practically flew down the stairs, excitement buzzing in his bones.

“I passed my test!” Eddie cried as he skipped into the kitchen, smiling widely. Myka was sitting at the counter, his papers out in front of him and a pen in his hand. 

“Good job,” Myka said half-heartedly, staring at the page with a frown. Eddie felt himself deflate suddenly. The feeling not lasting long though thankfully. Myka was just stressed, that was all.

“Do you want to come out with Adrian and I to the bar?” Eddie asked, slinking next to his boyfriend and kissing him on his cheek, his good mood still soaring. His hands gently massaged Myka’s tense shoulders, heartwarming when Myka didn’t shrug the hands away.

“Why would I want to do that?” Myka snapped. “So I can watch other guys stare at your ass and you pretend to be clueless when they flirt with you?” 

“What?” Eddie asked, his hands falling to his side as he stepped back. “That isn’t what happened.” 

“Whatever you say babe,” Myka said, the term of endearment sounding sharp and hostile. Eddie found himself curling up into himself. “I thought I said I didn’t want you going out?” 

“I just thought that-“ 

“You just thought?” Myka cut him off. “Do you ever think Eddie? I want to spend some time with you, is that too much to ask of you? Is it too much for me to want to have my boyfriend all to myself instead of him constantly ignoring me?” 

“I’m not-“ 

“Save it okay?” Myka snapped. “You’re not going anywhere tonight got it?” 

“But Myka, I already-“ 

“I don’t care,” Myka cut him off again, his voice cold. “Just leave me alone okay?” 

“Are you okay? Are you mad at me?” Eddie asked hesitantly, unsure as to why Myka seemed so hostile all of the sudden. He reached out his hand to rest on Myka’s shoulders again. 

He didn’t get the chance to. 

Myka spun around in his seat, his hands flying out in a universal ‘what do you want from me’ gesture. Only Eddie was a lot closer than Myka must have thought he was. 

Myka’s hand connected with Eddie’s cheek hard, snapping his head to the side and sending him stumbling back several steps. 

For a long moment, neither of them moved, both of them frozen in place. Eddie with a hand to his stinging cheek, wide eyes staring at his boyfriend. Myka was standing still, looking almost shocked himself, although Eddie thought that he could still see faint remains of the anger leftover in his eyes. 

“Eddie-“ Myka said softly, stepping forwards and reaching out to cup Eddie’s cheek. Eddie didn’t let him, stepping back quickly. 

“Don’t,” He warned, shaking his head as tears sprung into his eyes. “Just don’t.” 

He turned and fled, flying out the door and ignoring as Myka called out his name from behind him. He wasn’t sure where to go. 

Adrian was normally the first person he turned to with his problems, so he pulled out his phones and dialed the number. 

_”Sorry! I’m probably out with my insanely hot boyfriend or in class, call again soon and don’t bother to leave a message because I never listen to them!”_

Eddie hung up, tears springing into his eyes as he stood there in the hallway, feeling completely lost. Eddie felt like crying. His cheek stung like hell, and he didn’t really want to think about what the hell just happened or else he would burst into tears and not be able to stop. 

He turned and walked down the hall, stopping at one of the doors and knocking loudly. Ten seconds later, Mike opened the door. 

“Eddie?” Mike asked, blinking as he took Eddie in. He probably looked like a mess, face red and eyes filled with tears. He would put money on the fact that his cheek was probably already bright red. 

“Hi,” Eddie whispered, his voice wavering slightly. “Can I come in?” 

“Of course,” Mike said without hesitation, stepping to the side and allowing Eddie to walk into Bill and his apartment. 

Eddie knew that it was only Mike, simply because he knew that Bill was working the afternoon. Not that he didn’t want Bill to be here, but the man would probably insist on doing something stupid if he found out. Mike was a lot more chill with things like this. 

“Are you okay?” Mike asked hesitantly, hands hovering in the air almost like he was unsure if he could touch Eddie, or if the man would crumble under his hands. 

Eddie made the decision for him, stepping forwards and practically collapsing into Mike’s arms, sobbing softly. He couldn’t help it. 

Myka had hit him. 

He didn’t mean it, but he still did it. 

Eddie wasn’t sure how to process that. 

“Eddie,” Mike whispered, his arms circling around him and Eddie wondered why he didn’t hug Mike more. The man was stall and strong, Eddie practically engulfed in his arms. But he didn’t feel trap, or worried, or anything stupid like that. It felt secure, warm, safe. He missed this kind of contact, after almost a week of barely anyone touching him at all. To feel Mike’s arms around him was almost heavenly. “What happened?” 

“I don’t know what I did,” Eddie whispered, his hands twisting in Mike’s shirt. “I didn’t mean to make him mad. I don’t even know what I did.” 

Mike’s arms tightened, his head tucking over Eddie’s head, his chin resting on the top of Eddie’s hair. 

“What happened?” Mike repeated, his voice even softer than before. 

“It was my fault,” Eddie continued, barely even processing what Mike was saying. “I was standing too close, he didn’t even mean to, I was just too close and he spun around and-“ Eddie cut himself off with a sob, his hands twisting tighter in Mike’s shirt, almost like if he held on tight enough he would never have to leave. 

Mike started to pull away, and Eddie whimpered at the loss of contact, the warmth fading from his skin. He wanted to pull Mike closer, to never let go because when he let go Eddie felt disgusting, contaminated, panicked. He needed someone to hold him, to ground him, to remind him that he was there on earth and not a million miles away. 

Mike reached out, gently grabbing his cheek as his thumb ran over the red mark on his cheek. He could feel it already starting to bruise. He wondered how bad it looked. 

“Eddie,” Mike said, his voice a warning but also somehow soft, understanding. “Did Myka do this?” 

“No!” Eddie cried out. “Well yes, but he didn’t mean to.” 

“Eddie,” Mike said, and Eddie really wished he would stop saying his name like that. “That’s no excuse.” 

“Yes it is,” Eddie pulled back, suddenly feeling dirty. His hands patted his pockets, his breathing starting to wheeze as he pulled out the bottle of pills, shaking one onto his hand and dry swallowing it. Mike was staring at him with a pained look, one that didn’t help squash the anxiety pulling at Eddie’s insides. “He didn’t mean to,” Eddie whispered. 

Maybe if he said it enough times, h would believe it himself. 

“Let’s sit,” Mike said instead of arguing, a hand resting on Eddie’s shoulders and gently leading him to the couch, where they both sat down. Eddie immediately pulled his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them to minimize the space he took up. He didn’t want to touch more of the place that he wanted to. 

Normally Mike and Bill’s apartment was a clean place, clear of any dirt or contamination. But right now, Eddie could feel it under his skin, seeping into the surrounding area, almost like it was coming from _him_. Like Eddie was the sick one, the dirty one, the disgusting one. 

“Tell me what happened,” Mike demanded, and Eddie complied. 

He started from the top, describing how Myka and him wanted to spend the week to themselves, he moved onto learning that he passed the test, going downstairs, Myka yelling at him for no reason, Eddie getting too close when Myka turned around, the actual hit itself. 

Mike remained silent throughout, his face carefully blank. But Eddie could see how tightly Mike’s hands were clenched, how they tightened further into a fist when Eddie told him about the incident. 

“I’m sorry Eddie,” Mike said softly when Eddie was finished. “You didn’t deserve that.” 

“It wasn’t his fault,” Eddie said again, a tear slipping down his cheek. “I shouldn’t have been that close.”

“That’s a reason, not an excuse,” Mike said firmly. “Boyfriends should never hit each other, accident or not. You think I go around slapping Bill?” 

“Well no,” Eddie frowned. “But he didn’t slap me.” 

“Didn’t he?” 

“He didn’t intend to,” Eddie maintained. 

Mike sighed, shaking his head and Eddie curled further into himself, the shame clinging to his skin. He wasn’t sure what Mike wanted him to say. 

“Please don’t tell anyone else.” Eddie blurted out. “I don’t want them to worry.”

“Eddie,” Mike sighed, frowning. “They care about you; they would want to know.” 

“Please,” Eddie insisted. “It hasn’t happened before, and it won’t happen again. Just keep this between us okay?” 

“Fine,” Mike relented, leaning forwards and pulling Eddie into another hug. Eddie forgot to be tense, relaxing into Mike’s arms once again. 

“You give good hugs,” He said, almost unaware of what he was saying. It wasn’t a lie though; Mike did have good hugs. 

“Obviously you’ve never hugged Ben yet,” Mike snorted, pulling away and playfully ruffling Eddie’s hair. “That man can win a gold medal in hugging.” 

Eddie giggled, smiling widely. The action pulled at his cheek, cause a flash of pain to dance throughout his face, and Eddie winced back. Mike immediately looked concerned, hand raising forwards as if to comfort him, but all Eddie could see was Myka’s hand flying through the air, his outreached hand as Eddie fled. 

“Can you get me some ice?” Eddie blurted out, stopping Mike’s hand where it hovered. “It’ll help the swelling.” 

“Oh,” Mike whispered. “Of course, just sit here, I’ll be right back.” 

Mike got up, walking into the kitchen and Eddie was able to sit on the couch for a total of twenty seconds before deciding to go and help Mike. He couldn’t stand sitting there anymore, the wrongness creeping into his bones. 

He paused outside the door to the kitchen, hearing Mike’s voice from inside. Was Bill actually home? Who was Mike talking to? Eddie knew he shouldn’t interfere, but he couldn’t help but lean a little closer, close his eyes and listen in. 

“How am I supposed to know what to do?” Mike hissed, as if trying to keep quiet. “He’s sitting on my couch sobbing; how do I deal with that?” 

Eddie’s blood ran cold. Who was Mike talking to? Was he going to tell? He had promised Eddie he wouldn’t say a thing. Mike didn’t seem like the kind of guy to lie. 

“I can’t tell you,” Mike continued, ad Eddie felt himself relax a little. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought. “Yes, I can tell you Eddie is panicking in my apartment without giving you any reason to why. It’s not my story to tell.” 

Eddie stayed quiet, his eyes fluttering back open and he creaked the door in a little, glancing at Mike’s turned back. He was holding his phone to his ear and holding it with his shoulder, his hands preoccupied with shoving a bunch of ice into a little bag. 

“I mean you can,” Mike continued. “I don’t know if he’d appreciate it or not.” Mike listened again, and Eddie wondered who he was talking to. “Okay fine, you can come over. Just don’t freak him out okay? I got to go, I have some ice for him.” Eddie faintly heard what sounded like someone yelling on the other side of the receiver. “No, I will not elaborate,” Mike said dryly, hanging up. 

Eddie scurried away from the door, launching himself back onto the couch for when Mike re-entered. 

“Here,” Mike said, handing him the bag, Eddie stared at it for a long moment. 

“I’ve got to go,” He blurted out, unable to lift his eyes from the ice. He didn’t want to see the look on Mike’s face. But Eddie didn’t think he could deal with someone else today, even if it was one of his other friends. He just wanted to go home and go to bed. He would have to send Adrian a message to cancel their plans. And as much as he loved Mike’s apartment, it felt dirty, tainted by Eddie’s own presence.

“Why?” Mike said with a frown. “You can’t go back there.” 

“Why not?” Eddie challenged. “He’s my boyfriend, he didn’t mean to hurt me.” 

“But he did,” Mike challenged. “Just give it some time for both of you to calm down.” 

“I’m going over to Adrian’s,” Eddie lied. “I was going over there anyways.” 

“Oh,” Mike said, eyes darting to the door. “I guess that’s okay then. You staying the night there?” 

“Probably,” Eddie lied. It just slipped off his tongue so easily, so smoothly. 

“Okay then,” Mike seemed slightly awkward now, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess you should get going then.” 

“Thanks Mike,” Eddie said sincerely, walking to the door and pulling on his shoes. “For the ice and the talk.” 

“Anytime Eddie,” Mike said warmly, waving him goodbye. “You come back if anything else goes wrong okay? And I mean anything at any time. I will kick Bill out of the apartment at 3 am if that’s what you need.” 

“Thanks Mikey,” Eddie said, laughing genuinely. He felt better already. “See you.” 

He let the door click shut, and for a long moment he sat there in the hallway, the bag of ice pressed against his red cheek. It was really cold. He should put a towel across it or something. 

He stepped down the hall, staring at his apartment door. He knew he should go back, knew that Myka was expecting him back at any moment. The man probably thought that Eddie was just going around to blow off steam, which was what happened. 

He reached up and turned the doorknob, swinging the door open and stepping inside. The apartment was quiet and dark. The lights were off everywhere except the bedroom, and that was probably where Myka was. Eddie should go up to see him. 

He walked into the kitchen. 

He could feel the familiar press against his chest, the impulsive need to clear tearing at his ribs and demanding him to get moving, to wash himself off before his dirt snuck around the room, covering and contaminating everything he saw. 

He felt like he was going insane. He couldn’t think properly as he stood at the sink, staring at the tile covering their wall with the water running in the background. He put his hands out, squirting one, two, three, four, five, six, seven drops of soap onto his hand. 

He scrubbed them together, but he felt like he was floating away like the bubbled covering his hands. He didn’t want to go upstairs, he didn’t want to think, or talk, or do anything but stand here with the cold water crashing over his skin. He wanted to stand there until he felt clean again.

Eddie hated it when he got like this, when he felt like his mind was slipping out of control, like he was going crazy. He lived most of his life worrying about the dirt around him, unable to wear or touch certain things because of how he perceived them. But what if he was the problem all along? 

What if he was infecting everything near him? Was Mike’s apartment dirty or was it Eddie who was? Was Eddie the one who brought the dirt into Mike’s place? Was he contaminating those around him? 

Maybe that was why Myka had been so off lately. He knew what Eddie was, knew how dirt and disgusting he was, how sick Eddie was. Maybe that’s why Myka stopped wanting to touch him, to go out to the bar with him. It made sense. 

Logically, if Eddie was dirty, it could explain a lot. It explained why he kept messing up with Myka, why Myka was always so mad, why Myka refused to touch him for longer than five seconds. It could explain why everyone kept looking at him weirdly, why everyone either seemed to approve or disapprove of everything he said. Logically, it all fell into place. 

So did the guilt. 

The crushing, overwhelming guilt because what if he had been the problem all along? What if he had been contaminating everything around him, hurting his friends and the people he loved? 

He stood at the sink, the water still running in the background as he reached out again and repeated the process. 

He washed his hands once more, then again, and again, and again until he had washed them almost fourteen times, his hands going numb from the cold water. But he couldn’t stop, he could force himself to turn off the water and turn away. 

He was dirty, disgusting, sick. He needed to be clear or else everything he touched would be dirty and everyone around him would be sick too. He couldn’t do that to them. 

“Eddie?” Myka said softly behind him. Eddie barely heard him. “Eddie are you okay?” 

Eddie still didn’t respond, focusing on washing every single part of his hands, scratching at them ruthlessly with a towel. He could see small droplets of blood staining the water pouring from his hands, he barely felt the sting. 

“Eddie,” Myka’s voice was lower, more of a warning. “Look at me.” 

Myka’s hand grabbed his shoulder, and before Eddie could protest Myka was turning him, forcing him away from the water to face him. 

“I’m sorry Eds,” Myka whispered, his eyes locked onto the already forming bruise on his cheek. Eddie could barely feel it. “I didn’t mean to.” 

“Then why did you get mad at me?” Eddie asked, feeling slightly hysterical. “You’re always mad at me lately, and I’ve done nothing wrong.” 

“Baby please try to understand,” Myka said calmly. “You never listen to me. I tell you that I want you to stay home with me for a while, and you come and ask if you could go out with your friends. I love you Eddie, but I feel like sometimes you don’t love me.” 

“I do,” Eddie blurted. “I love you.” 

“More than your friends?” Myka asked. 

“Of course,” Eddie replied, but the words felt like tar in his mouth. “I love you more than anything.” 

“Quit your job,” Myka demanded. “If you really love me, then quit your job.” 

“I don’t see how that correlates,” Eddie said, backing up a step. Myka followed him until Eddie could go no farther, his back against the counter. 

“Come on,” Myka sighed. “You’re either at school, with your friends, or working. And you hate your job, it gives you panic attacks over how unsanitary it is. You don’t need it, since my job pays enough for the both of us, and if you loved me you would be willing to give up that stupid job to spend more time with me.” 

Eddie did hate his job, but that was the money he used to buy himself and his friends’ gifts, and if he didn’t have that money what would he do? He tried to explain that to Myka. 

“I can give you money obviously,” Myka laughed, stepping closer, their bodies pressed together as Myka leaned down to kiss him. It only lasted for a second. “You don’t need to worry about that. You can quit tomorrow okay? I can go in with you.” 

Myka didn’t give him time to protest before he was kissing him again, grabbing Eddie’s waist and lifting him up to rest on the counter, Eddie’s legs automatically wrapping around Myka’s waist. The other man moaned into Eddie’s mouth, the kiss getting more heated. Eddie kind of wanted to throw up. 

He still felt dirty, and he wasn’t in the mood to kiss right now, let alone do anything else. He was tired, his cheek still ached, and he felt stretched so thin that he might snap. But he was also tired of fighting, of feeling worthless, of the confusion that came whenever he fought with Myka. If sleeping with the man right now made him happy again, then well it was a sacrifice Eddie was willing to make. 

So when Myka broke away from his lips and panted out a quick, “Let’s take this upstairs,” Eddie didn’t complain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Myka didn't actually mean to hit Eddie. That much was an accident, but the fact that he then used it to manipulate Eddie is pretty shitty so any points he gains there are lost. So he's still a dick.


	9. He still shatters always on her earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took forever lmao.

Eddie eventually had to go home, and when he did he outlined to his mother very clearly that he was done listening and following her rules. She had yelled, cried, clutched onto him and begged him to reconsider, but he stood strong. 

Two weeks passed, and Eddie had never been happier. Without his pills, he felt almost lighter, like a weight had been lifted from over him. It was freeing in a way, to be able to go out with his friends without worrying about when he needed to take his pills, without checking every little detail to make sure he wasn’t about to drop dead. 

He could go with his friends and keep up on them on his bike without worrying about having an asthma attack, he could go roaming in the forest without flinching at every little brush of a leaf, he does things normal kids could do. 

Beyond the simple act of finally getting to be a kid for once, he started getting a life beyond his mother. He started dreaming, hoping, wishing for things. 

He had started going to Dr. Smith’s office every Saturday morning, and the man would put an hour of his time aside to teach Eddie the proper things about medical training, what it was really like to be sick, the realities of it all, instead of whatever his mother had pushed onto him. 

He learned that eating a single piece of candy every day would not kill him, he learned that random things being dirty did not mean he was dirty. 

it was a hard lesson to learn, and sometimes Eddie forgot it, got so lost in the fear that he was unable to pull himself out, but he was working on it, he truly was. 

The positive aspect about it was that it lit some sort of passion inside him, an interest that consumed him quickly. Everything about the medical profession fascinated him, now that he saw it from a responsible viewpoint. 

To him, hospitals and doctors were always something to be feared, something that he needed to stay away from. It was filled with people with blank faces and harsh words, needles sticking into his skin and meds pumping through his veins. It symbolized everything he was never able to do, everything he failed at. 

But now, he saw it more as an opportunity. It was there to help, to pull people from the brink of death, an opportunity to help people and give them a shot at life. And the subject itself was fascinating, the way the human body works. It’s a complex machine made up of so many different systems, each with their own unique ways of working and existing. 

Everything about it fascinated him, and the longer he worked with Dr. Smith, the more Eddie realized that he wanted to be a doctor too. He wanted to offer guidance, wanted to be an influence the same way Dr. Smith influenced him. 

For once in his life, he had a future. His life wasn’t dictated by his mother, he wouldn’t be stuck in Derry for his entire life. He could leave, go to a good university, get his doctorate, break free from his mother in all aspects. 

The idea was invigorating. 

A life free from here, in an apartment with his friends, working his dream job and living the life he always wanted. Free from his mother's influence, free from the fears that held him back, free from the oppressing hand of his medications. 

One day he would be there. Dr. Smith had connections, had promised that he would do his best to support Eddie throughout it all. It was more than a dream; it was a reality slowly forming. Eddie had put more focus into the subjects in school he needed, had already read through most of the college textbooks he needed, and he was already getting hands-on training from a doctor. 

One day he would be there. That was a guaranteed fact. 

______________________________

Things first started going wrong three weeks after his newfound passion and freedom. 

His mom had calmed down, which was incredibly weird. For the past few weeks she had constantly been on his ass, guilting him every time he left, monitoring him whenever he was home, begging him to take his pills. 

Then one day, it just stopped.

She backed off, left him alone, let him leave without questioning him, and they danced around each other, not saying much over the newfound tenseness between them. He wasn’t sure how to act around her anymore. He was used to her controlling his life, and now that he wasn’t letting her call the shots, he was thrown off. She had controlled everything, from when he hung out with his friends, what activities he did in school, the pills he shoveled down his throat. 

But now the balance has shifted, and Eddie had suddenly a lot more power in his hands, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with it. His friends helped a lot, getting him out of the house, reminding him of how strong he was, giving him reasons to leave when he wanted to. 

He was lucky to see his mom once or twice every week. 

But somehow that put him even more on edge, because even though he sometimes did not recognize the woman he called a mother, he knew her like the back of his hand. He had grown up with her, and he knew this game of cat and mouse. 

This was no different than the time Eddie was seven and decided he really didn’t want to eat broccoli. For almost a month he refused to, and his mother put up a fight for around a week before giving up, letting him have his way. But the broccoli was always on his plate, the same way his pills still sat on his desk, a constant reminder of their existence. 

Three weeks in, his mother started getting creative, took things away from him for no reason, banned him from going out of the house, forced him for a weekend trip to the aunts that he hated. And sure enough, one night he stuck a piece of broccoli into his mouth, and the punishments stopped. 

Eddie could only wonder when it would start, when his mother would start toying with him. Every second he was in his own house he felt like the rug was about to be pulled out from under him. But the days went by, and nothing happened. 

Somehow it didn’t make him feel any better. 

_____________________________________________

“What the fuck are you doing?” Eddie asked, sitting up from where he was lying on his bed. Richie was currently climbing into his room through the window, a large grin on his lips. It was the middle of the afternoon, and Eddie knew he should be outside enjoying the sun, but his chest felt heavy and whenever he thought about stepping outside his skin crawled with fear. 

“I missed Sonia,” Richie said without a beat, skipping over and hopping on the bed. “You think I could fuck her on this bed? It’s so much more comfortable.” 

“You think you could go fuck yourself?” Eddie snapped, but the familiarity of the banter set his skin at ease. Richie sometimes had that calming effect. “My moms not in.” 

“She still pissed at you?” 

“Are the pills still on my desk?” Eddie countered with a shrug, his eyes catching on the pale-yellow bottle. He actually took his pills two days ago by accident. He was super tired when he woke up, and he swallowed them on instinct. That was probably why he felt so gross. 

“We should run away,” Richie said, lying on the bed beside Eddie. 

“What do you mean?” Eddie scoffed, leaning back so he could look at Richie better. 

“Running away my boy!” Richie exclaimed. “You know, get into a car, drive off into the sunset, nothing but the open road, junk food every night, no annoying but hot mothers, no bullies, nothing but you, me and the sweet sound of hard rock.” 

“Yeah?” Eddie said, his voice thick. He couldn’t describe how much he actually wanted to do that, to just run off with Richie and live his life to the fullest with his best friend. “And how are we paying for that dipshit?”

“We can rob a bank,” Richie said without missing a beat. “Or steal from your mom, or with a cute face like yours, I can pimp you off.” 

“Oh fuck off,” Eddie reached over to shove Richie, who was howling with laughter, even though nothing was overly funny. Eddie found himself smiling as well, the laughter easy to catch. “Maybe I’ll pimp you off.” 

“Oh I would get us the most money,” Richie said through chuckles. “Do you know how many babes I go through? I can get them off within seconds, they’d be throwing money at me every time I walked down the street.” 

“Oh shut up,” Eddie said fondly, wrinkling his nose at the description. “We both know you haven’t screwed anything in this town, all the girls hate you.” 

“The guys don’t,” Richie said with a wink, and Eddie’s cheeks heated up so fast that he picked up a pillow and smashed Richie over the head with it to avoid the other boy seeing how those words affected him. 

“Don’t bullshit me,” Eddie grumbled once his cheeks started acting normally again. “The guys in this town hate you too, you loser.” 

“I might be a loser,” Richie said, adopting a bad British accent. “But at least I’m your loser eh darling?” 

“That’s the shittiest accent I’ve heard so far,” Eddie sighed. 

“You wound me,” Richie said dryly. "Shot thorugh the heart by my own best friend!"

Eddie rolled his eyes, fondly smacking Richie’s shoulder. 

“What do you want to do?” Eddie asked. “Cause I am not sitting in my room bored out of my mind.” 

“We could go down to the Quarry for a bit?” Richie proposed. “I think Bill hid some playboys out there.”

“Maybe we could find some old comics?” Eddie suggested instead, stretching his arms above his head, his arm curving up and his back arching, shirt hitching up a bit. “Or a card game? Something interesting? I know you’re lame and want to go to the Quarry all the time, but I am bored as fuck of it and I really don’t want to go out and catch a million-“ 

He cut himself off as he looked back to Richie, who was staring at him with a dumbstruck look on his face, eyes wandering over Eddie before snapping back up as if caught doing something wrong. 

Eddie blinked, trying to regain his train of thought and pretend like he didn’t just catch his best friend checking him out. 

“Let’s just stay inside,” Eddie finally managed to say around the lump in his throat. “Okay?”

He ignored the fact that something deep inside him really wanted to kiss Richie right now. It was a disgusting part of him, a dirty part of him that made him want to climb into his shower and scrub at his skin until it peeled off in strips, but Eddie was tired of being a coward. He may have horrible ideas, but maybe he was tired of hiding them for once. 

Maybe he could admit that he had wanted to kiss Richie for a very long time. 

Eddie stared at Richie and for a second he allowed himself to look, he allowed his eyes to wander over his face, to the bright blue eyes that were wide with something Eddie couldn’t describe. Let himself take in the folds of his skin; the laugh lines the chubbiness of his cheeks that was starting to fade away now that he settled into a more adult structure. Eddie let himself stare at his red lips, the curve of his lower lip, the cracked texture and the beautiful bow of his upper lip. For a second Eddie allowed himself to wish. 

“I should get going now actually,” Richie blurted out, voice strained, and just like that the spell was broken, the tension lying in the air snapping as quickly as it was formed and Eddie cursed himself and his moment of weakness. 

He wasn’t allowed to think about things like that, it was a basic fundamental rule of this town. Theoretically, there was nothing wrong with it, he knew that on some level. But he also knew that he would be kicked out if his mom knew. He knew that is the town knew he would disappear altogether. 

Richie was standing up, and Eddie wanted to beg him to come back, to ask him where he was going, why he was leaving so suddenly. Richie was the best at shaking off random things, so why was he making a big deal about three seconds of silence and Eddie decided to look at him a bit closer than normal? 

“Where are you going?” Eddie asked, sitting up and wondering if he should beg Richie to stay. 

“I forgot I promised Ben a favour, wouldn’t want to disappoint the old chap right?” Richie said, and it was such a painful lie that Eddie didn’t even see the point in arguing over it. 

It didn’t matter anyways, because Richie was out the window and gone before Eddie could open his mouth again. 

_______________________________

“I’ve named him Mister,” Mike said proudly, carefully holding the baby lamb in his arms. “He bit me last night and I fell in love with him.”

“Weird standard of love,” Eddie said dryly, but he didn’t really mean it, because the little guy had kicked him when he first showed up and Eddie still thought he was the most precious thing around. 

When animals were born on Mike’s farm, it was a big deal. The entire Losers club would run to come down and see them, to feed and play with the same animal. 

Today, Eddie was the first one there. Mike had messaged them at three in the morning, declaring that his sheep had given birth to three new lambs. He told the Losers to show up around noon, but then he privately messaged Eddie to ask him to come over earlier. Eddie didn’t question it, but he felt a tiny bit honored that Mike had wanted to spend more time with him. 

Mike and him were friends, of course they were, but they weren’t the closest of all the Losers. Mike normally hung out with Bill and Stan the most, since they were the closest to his house and they all hit it off so well. That was how it was in their group, they were all best friends, but sometimes a few of them were closer. There was nothing wrong with that. 

So when Mike invited him over, he was pleasantly surprised. He was glad Mike did though, because Mister was the cutest thing he had ever seen, and the other two babies were quite adorable as well. 

“Have you noticed something up with Richie lately?” Mike asked casually, bouncing Mister in his arms and not breaking his gaze on the lamb he was feeding. 

“What?” Eddie said dumbly. 

“Richie, you know, black hair, stupid glasses, pain in the ass?” Mike looked up, smiling coyly. “You’ve only been his best friend for your entire life right?” 

“Shut up,” Eddie grumbled, a blush rising in his cheeks. “It hasn’t been my entire life, I met him in kindergarten.” 

“Close enough.” 

“What do you mean anyways?” Eddie continued as if Mike hadn’t spoken. “Something up? What have you noticed? What does that cryptic bullshit even mean?” 

“No need to get mad at me Eddie,” Mike said gently, and Eddie took a deep breath in, controlling the protective and defensive flare-up in his stomach. “I’m just a bit worried. He seems even more scatterbrained than usual, and I figured that you’d know, since he tells you everything.” 

“He doesn’t tell me everything,” Eddie said, frowning. 

Now that Mike mentioned it, Richie had been acting weird lately. Random times when he’d space out, taking weird routes around town, cryptidly disappearing on agreed meetups. Eddie had brushed past it earlier, because that was easier than admitting that it stung. Richie was supposed to tell him everything, just like Mike said, but here Eddie was just as lost as Mike was. 

Eddie pushed that one occasion out of his mind, forgetting the way Richie looked at him and the way Eddie looked back. Forgot how Richie climbed out the window in such a hurry he almost fell and then they never mentioned it again.

“I don’t know what’s up with him,” Eddie said softly, fingers reaching out to skim down Mister’s back. “But I’ll talk to him in a bit, corner him and shake something out of him you know?” 

“Sure,” Mike said, almost absent-minded. “The others should be here soon.” 

“Yeah,” Eddie sighed, glancing over at the road. “Wanna pelt them with water balloons?” 

“You read my mind.” 

___________________________________

After Mike placed the thought in his head, Eddie started taking note of Richie’s weird behavior more. 

It was like that social experiment, where you mention a pink elephant and suddenly everyone was thinking about it. Mike mentioned Richie, and suddenly that was the only thought that ran through Eddie’s mind. 

It was infuriating at times, because Eddie was pretty sure he thought about Richie a normal amount. Sure, sometimes it was more than his other friends, but that was because Richie was his. His best friend, that was. 

But now Richie was always on his mind. They hung out with all the Losers and Eddie noticed how Richie talked, moved, laughed. They hung out alone and Eddie noted how he leaned closer to Eddie when making a joke, how he moved away seconds later like he noticed his actions, how sometimes he would get so distracted he would completely forget a joke halfway through. 

Eddie played all their conversations over, wondering when things started to veer off to the side, if he could account it to puberty, or maybe something Eddie himself did. But nothing came to mind. It was like the weird behavior just started one day. Or more accurately, right before Eddie stopped his pills, right before summer started. 

Wondering led him to nothing better, and so instead Eddie tried to focus on other things. 

The fact that Richie was avoiding him wasn’t helping.

He hadn’t seen Richie in ages, only when they hung out as a group, which was annoying because Richie would always spend time with him outside of their slotted Loser time, because they were Richie and Eddie, and they were supposed to be best friends. 

But Eddie never gave up, and he knew that they needed to talk about whatever went on between them, because Eddie fucking missed him. He missed his stupid laugh, his stupid accent, and even his stupid mom jokes. Eddie just wanted his best friend back.

Eddie never really liked the arcade. 

It was loud, it was messy, it was crawling with dirt and disease that made his skin crawl and his stomach turn. Every time he was there he felt sick for days after, no matter how much fun he had at the time. 

But it was Richie’s favorite spot in town. He would spend hours there, wasting all his allowance money on stupid games, beating high score after high score. Sometimes Eddie would come and watch him, bitch about the noise and how unsanitary it was while Richie barely paid attention to him, instead talking about his amazing skills in the game. 

Eddie would admit that he was good, just never to Richie himself. 

After his fight with his mom, Eddie wanted to go to the arcade even less than before. Even though the pills were utter bullshit, they made him feel better. Dr. Smith had lectured him on and on about something called the placebo effect, but Eddie pretended like he didn’t understand. He did, of course, but sometimes it was easier to pretend. 

But either way, the arcade made him nervous, and this time there was no familiar soothing lull of pills telling him that he would be fine as long as he swallowed them back. Now, there was nothing but him, the germs, and his anxiety. 

But it was the only place he knew that Richie would be, and so Eddie would try and face the irrational twisting of his gut. 

It wasn’t hard to find Richie once he walked in, since Richie really only frequented two different machines, and he was also the loudest person there. Two steps through the door and Eddie has already seen him, or rather heard him. 

Richie has his back turned towards the door, long limbs jerking to hit all the buttons and yank the joystick the right way. He was wearing another obnoxiously bright patterned shirt, and he was loudly swearing every few seconds. 

None of that came as a shock to Eddie. What was a shock was the unfamiliar boy standing beside Richie, playing the game with him, the two of their shoulders pressed together. 

The boy was laughing, and Eddie could see a smile on his face, a blinding one filled with bright white teeth and crinkled eyes. He had a beautiful smile, nothing like the one Richie had. Richie’s was all sharp teeth and lips pulled to the point of cracking, face red from lack of oxygen. 

Eddie found he still preferred that laugh to the beautiful strangers. 

Eddie should probably stop calling the boy a stranger, when in reality he knew it was Henry Bowers younger cousin, in town to visit for the duration of summer. Eddie wasn’t sure of his name, but the mullet and slim physic was nothing Eddie could misplace. 

But now Eddie was in a bit of a situation. He came here determined to talk to Richie, who had barely talked to him since he blew off their last hang out. But now there was someone else here, a stranger, an outsider. Someone Eddie didn’t know, but it was pretty obvious that Richie knew him. 

He could march up, firmly say he wanted to talk to Richie and drag the boy off. He could wait until the other boy grew bored and left. Or he could go and join them. 

At the moment, the game was finished, and Bower’s cousin lost, hands thrown into the air. He turned to Richie, who pumped a fist into the air. The two of them shook hands, staring at each other and Eddie felt kind of sick. 

They both looked so happy, so content, and Eddie was suddenly very man that he wasn’t the one Richie was looking at like that. With such adoration, such happiness, such love. Eddie felt like he was going to puke. 

They were still holding hands, their fingers lingering for seconds too long and Eddie hated himself for noticing. Richie was leaning forwards so they could talk without anyone hearing, and Eddie turned away. 

He forgot about the last option he had. Turn and walk out that door and pretend like nothing happened at all. 

He can always talk to Richie tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this chapter, but at least we get more of Richie and Eddie's relationship at the time. Next chapter of this section should focus on Eddie and Sonia and Richie all equally so that's exciting.


	10. All while she stains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I suddenly have tons of motivation to write this story. But I hope you're all enjoying it!

He quit his job, if not only to get Myka off his back about it. He managed to put it off for almost two weeks, saying that he would get around to it when in reality he just really didn’t want to. 

Sure, working there stressed him out due to the large amount of people and the sometimes confusing instructions, but he liked the money, and his co-workers were nice. But Myka kept insisting, and honestly, it was putting a strain on their relationship. 

Despite everything that had happened lately, Eddie didn’t want to let Myka go. He had been extra nice to Eddie the past few days, working fewer shifts so they could go out at night, spending less time with his own friends and instead coming home earlier to see Eddie. Everything was going good and it made Eddie happy, Myka made him happy and that wasn’t something he was about to give up. 

So he quit his job. 

One bright side to that meant he had a lot more time to do whatever he wanted. Myka kept up his promise and let Eddie borrow money whenever, and Eddie already had quite a bit saved up, so he was able to go out with his friends a lot more often. 

The flip side to that was that he was so bored all the time. 

He didn’t even notice how much his job kept him occupied during the hours when he was all alone, all his friends and Myka all either work or school. Some of the time he slotted into studying more, but his classes had been relatively easy after his midterm, do extra studying was often even more boring than it was before. 

Stan had grown tired of his complaining, and the two of them decided to figure out a new hobby for him. 

“What do you even like?” Stan asked as they walked through the town, both sipping the iced coffee they just bought. 

“I don’t know,” Eddie grumbled, and it’s a bit of a gut punch to realize that’s the truth. “I like going to school, readings cool too I guess.” 

“Great,” Stan said dryly. “Reading and school are your most interesting hobbies. This is harder than I thought.” 

“Don’t be an ass about it,” Eddie said, the sharp sting of defensiveness flashing through him. “This was your idea after all.” 

“Because I hate seeing you mope around the apartment all day,” Stan said with a sigh. “Why don’t you get a new job? Something that interests you?” 

“I don’t want a new job,” Eddie said, but it was a lie, because a new job actually sounded wonderful. Myka’s anger doesn’t. 

“Why did you even quit in the first place?” Stan challenged. “And don’t pull that bullshit ‘I just did’ crap again. You don’t do things without a good reason.” 

“I told you to drop it,” Eddie said, crossing his arms and taking a long sip from his drink. He loved Stan, but sometimes the man didn’t know when to stop. If Eddie told him that Myka told him to quit he would get his panties in a bunch over it. 

“Okay fine,” Stan sighed. “Painting? Music? Chess? Anything that’s more interesting than school?” 

“I don’t know,” Eddie said, feeling a bit overwhelmed by this all. When Stan came up with the idea of finding him a hobby, Eddie was all for it. But now it seemed less fun and more stressful. 

He didn’t know what he liked. When he started getting back into the real functioning world his focus was on schooling and schooling only. There were so many things out of his control, his memories, his anxiety, his fear, but the one thing that kept him going was school. If he could just get his degree everything would right itself. 

It was the landmark in his life, something that he threw himself into. If he could just get his Ph.D. then he would be able to balance life better, he would get over his fears, he would be able to walk into a room without the irrational thoughts plaguing his mind. He hadn’t really had the time to develop anything beyond that. 

“When I was young,” Stan said softly, and Eddie glanced over to him. Stan was staring ahead, a serious look on his face. “I had a friend and he had the weirdest hobbies and interests ever. He would go to the railway tracks and try to race the trains; he would listen to gospel singers. I think maybe you’re a bit like him. Odd hobbies no one would even dream about. So let’s wander, and see what catches your eye.” 

“That friend,” Eddie said slowly. “Is that the one you guys always talk about? The one who went missing?” 

Stan swallowed thickly, and Eddie almost apologized right away. He knew their friend was a sore topic, one that made all the Losers go quiet and avoid his eyes. It was infuriating sometimes, how none of them would give him anything other than obscure detail about someone they obviously cared about. But on the flip side, Eddie could tell that whoever that boy was, they hurt them in a big way by leaving, and Eddie was prepared to stop asking about it if that’s what everyone wanted. 

“Yeah, it is,” Stan finally said. “Thinking about the past is hard sometimes, isn’t it?” 

“I wouldn’t know,” Eddie said dryly, causing Stan to snort. 

“You know what I mean,” Stan said, bumping Eddie’s shoulders. Touch between the two of them was rare, both of them finding it somewhat repulsive at times. They still did it sometimes though, when they were both comfortable and happy. Eddie knew when Stan didn’t want to be touched and Stan when he didn’t want to feel human contact, so it worked well. 

“Sometimes the past is complicated,” Eddie said. “But you should never be afraid to think about it, or else the memories would be lost, and trust me, there’s nothing worse than not knowing.” 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Stan said softly. “I guess if I didn’t think of him, a part of him would be lost. He may be alive out there, but we keep the important parts of him alive with our thoughts, and maybe one day that will be enough.” 

“Hopefully it will be,” Eddie sighed. “Sometimes I hope that there are people out there that are doing that with me. Thinking about who I used to be, keeping that part of me alive even though I can’t live it.” 

Stan was quiet for a long moment, and Eddie glanced over at him, somewhat worried he managed to say the wrong thing. Stan was staring at the ground, throat bobbing as if he was struggling to decide if he should say something. Eddie was about to ask him if everything was okay before Stan looked over at him again. 

“Let’s go try knitting, it’s almost winter and I want a hat,” Stan said, and Eddie was content with letting the topic flow away after that. 

________________________________________

“Eddie babe?” Myka called as he stepped into the apartment. “You home?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie called back. “Just upstairs.” 

He was attempting to follow the pattern in the knitting book tan bought him, but he was starting to feel like knitting wasn’t really his thing. Not only was Eddie poking himself more than actually making something, but it was also kind of boring. Maybe if he joined a knitting club it would be more fun. He could go gossip with some grandmas. 

Myka was walking upstairs, coming up beside him and kissing his cheek. Eddie smiled at him, turning his head and pressing a quick peck to Myka’s lips. 

“This is the hobby you and Stan picked?” Myka said with a dry voice, picking up a strand of the thing that was meant to be a hat. 

“I’m thinking we might go pick another soon,” Eddie said with a chuckle, although he kept trying to make the next stitch. The tension was just not working for him at the moment, but maybe he’ll get the hang of it soon. 

“Try doing some makeup,” Myka said. “You were always good at that.” 

“I only do it for special occasions though,” Eddie said, wrinkling his nose. “I don’t think I’d be able to wear it more often than that, I don’t like the feeling of it caked onto my skin.” 

“Shame,” Myka sighed. “You look really good in it.” 

“I look good all the time,” Eddie winked at his boyfriend, who rolled his eyes in a playful manner. 

“Wanna make me dinner?” Myka asked, leaning forwards and gently taking the wool out of Eddie’s hands. He was about to protest, but Myka surged forwards, pressing a hard kiss to his lips. “I’m really hungry.” 

“I want to finish my last row first,” Eddie said, reaching towards his wool again, but Myka stood up, holding the piece above his head. 

“You can finish it after dinner,” Myka said with raised eyebrows. “Come on babe, I’ve had a long day at school and work and I’m really hungry.” 

“You can make yourself dinner,” Eddie snapped, starting to get a bit angry. It was Myka’s fault he was so bored in the first place, and Eddie knew that if he stopped knitting now he would never pick it up again. Why couldn’t Myka wait the extra ten minutes until Eddie was done? 

“I don’t make the dinners here,” Myka said, his voice low. “You do. I work hard every day to bring us money, the least you can do is make me food Eddie.” 

“You only bring in the money cause you made me quit my job!” Eddie protested, standing up to face Myka. His heart was pounding louder and louder, and Eddie knew that he was spiraling into a panic attack. The unmistakable scramble of his brain was already starting. He hated fighting with Myka, hated how the other man could be so pig-headed sometimes. “It’s not my responsibility to feed you.” 

“Getting you to quit your job wasn’t hard,” Myka snapped back. “You wanted to, so don’t go blaming all your problems on me. I did you a favor by convincing you to do that, and you can do me a favor by making me some food. It’s not that fucking hard!”

“Why the fuck are you yelling at me!” Eddie screamed back, stepping closer to him. He was torn between letting the anger win out, or starting crying and demand what he had done wrong. “Why are you always like this? You take such small things and blow them way out of proportion and I hate it so much!”

“Don’t talk to me like that, if you didn’t mess things up so often I wouldn’t yell at you!” 

“I don’t even know what I messed up!” Eddie screamed, and it was the truth. They were fine five minutes ago, and then something changed and now they were in each other's faces, screaming and yelling and Eddie was half expecting one of the Losers to knock on the door and ask why the hell they were making such a racket. 

Myka took a deep breath, running a hand down his face and Eddie wanted to do the same. He wanted to be able to take a deep breath and feel better but his heart was still pounding and his hands were shaking and he wanted to go take a shower and wash his skin over and over again until it bled and he felt less dirty. 

“I’m sorry,” Myka said, his voice a lot calmer. “I’m sorry Eddie, I’m just so stressed out right now and I don’t know what to do.” 

Myka’s voice broke, and before Eddie could blink tears were running down his face and he sobbed, something deep inside Eddie snapping as he watched his boyfriend break down in front of him. 

“Hey,” Eddie said softly, reaching forwards and putting a hand on Myka’s shoulder. “Hey, baby please stop crying, there’s no need to cry.” 

Myka reached out, pulling Eddie towards him and encircling him in his arms. 

“I’m sorry,” He said between sobs. “Please don’t leave me, please Eddie I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Eddie whispered, wrapping his arms tighter around Myka’s midriff. “It’s going to be alright; I’m not going anywhere.” 

They sat there for a long time, until Myka ran out of tears and Eddie went downstairs to make the both of them dinner, his knitting long abandoned.

_________________________

“Have you ever wondered about your past?” Adrian asked him one day while they walked through campus. 

“Where the hell did that come from?” Eddie asked, looking over to his friend. The great thing about Adrian was that he didn’t ask questions, he just kind of rolled with whatever punches were thrown his way. 

“I’m just curious!” Adrian said, putting his hands up in a mock surrendering gesture. “I bet you’re tired of not having an answer to the ‘where did you grow up’ question when your out speed dating.” 

“You know I don’t do speed dating.” 

“That’s beside the point.” 

“Jesus Adri,” Eddie rolled his eyes. “I don’t care anymore. It’s easier that way.” 

“Okay, then let’s make some theories,” Adrian said, walking a bit faster so he could turn to face Eddie while walking backwards. 

“Theories?” 

“Yeah!” Adrian said with a grin. “Theories about who you were, what you were like, that sorta stuff.” 

“That’s a horrible idea.” 

“I think you were a teenaged rebel,” Adrian continued. “You snuck out every other night to kiss and sleep with guys, smoked cigarette and badmouthed teachers.” 

“No way,” Eddie shook his head. “That’s a horrible theory.” 

“Okay fine,” Adrian rolled his eyes. “You lived in a haunted town and killed an evil shapeshifter when you were like ten years old.” 

“That’s the more stupid thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Eddie deadpanned. 

“Is it really? Cause if it is I def need to step up my game.” 

Eddie let out a laugh, shaking his head and looking around. Across the campus, he caught a figure waving at him, running towards them. 

“Ooh,” Adrian said, stepping back beside him. “Loser incoming alert.” 

“What’s up?” Richie said, slightly out of breath and he stumbled to a stop beside them. “Thought I would catch you two lovely people around this time.” 

“Is that flirting I hear Tozier?” Adrian said dramatically, hand pressed against his cheek and mouth open in a mock gasp. “I will tell Don.” 

“Please don’t,” Richie laughed. “He’ll snap me like a twig.” 

“That’s because you are a twig,” Eddie pointed out, and the three of them started walking back into town. Normally Eddie would be driving, but Adrian and him had plans to go to the library to study, so he decided to just walk back after. 

“Details, details,” Richie said airily, waving a hand through the air. “What were you guys talking about before I interrupted, it looked interesting.”

“I was trying to guess what Eddie’s life was like when he was a kid,” Adrian said. “So far he’s shot down the town rebel and the monster killing badass.” 

“Ooh I like this game,” Richie said with a laugh that only sounded slightly fake to Eddie’s ears. “My thoughts, he was a hypochondriac.” 

“That’s not fair,” Adrian groaned. “You can’t guess things that he already is.” 

“Excuse you, I am not a hypochondriac, I am just hyperaware of the dangers of illness around us and take extra care and caution to help prevent myself from getting killed by them,” Eddie replied, glaring at the two of them. 

“Whatever you need to tell yourself sweetheart,” Adrian said, throwing an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and pressing a kiss to his cheek. Eddie pushed him off, only to have Richie’s arm thrown around him seconds later. There was no escaping when it came to these two. 

“I think I was a perfectly normal kid with a perfectly normal life,” Eddie said, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Until, of course, you were involved in a tragic and unknown accident that caused you such brain damage that you forget everything that happened to you.” Adrian deadpanned. 

“Seems totally normal to me,” Richie put in. Eddie debated throttling them both. 

“Oh come on Eddie,” Richie said, his arm tightening around his waist. “Loosen up a bit we’re only teasing.” 

“I know,” Eddie sighed, unclenching his jaw and taking a breath. His fingers twitched and he reached into his bag, taking out his bottle of pills and popping one into his mouth, swallowing it dry. 

“I didn’t know you were on pills,” Richie muttered quietly. Eddie glanced over to him, confused to see that Richie actually looked oddly concerned about it. 

“Anxiety pills,” Eddie shrugged. “They help me sleep too. I just take them whenever I feel crappy and they help.” 

Richie hummed, shaking his head as if he was shaking away some unwelcomed thought. 

“Where are we off to?” Richie said, his lips suddenly pulling up in a grin and Eddie swore he was going to get whiplash from how often his friends changed the subject whenever weird things like that happened. 

“Library,” Adrian told him. “Then I’ll probably go to the bar to meet Don and Eddie will go home and be _boring_. But your welcome to be cool and join Don and I.” 

“I would love to,” Richie sighed. “I need a drink if I’m braving the library with you. Are you sure you don’t’ want to tag along Eddie? It wouldn’t’ be as fun without you.”

“Are you flirting,” Adrian asked before Eddie could respond. “I will tell Myka.” 

“Oh please don’t,” Richie groaned. “The dude already hates me enough.” 

“Myka doesn’t hate you,” Eddie frowned, but it sounded like a lie even though Eddie tried his best to sound convinced of that fact. 

Richie and Adrian shared a look that Eddie couldn’t decipher, and for a second he was mad about it. He was so tired of people seeming to know more than him. But the anger fizzled out as quickly as it came to him. The only thing that tired him more than not knowing was being angry. 

_____________________________

“Salad,” Richie said, staring at the plate. “You invite me over for dinner and make me salad?” 

“Adrian convinced me to join in on his latest gym kick,” Eddie sighed, sitting down across from him. “Eating healthy is part of the deal.”

“But Eds,” Richie groaned dramatically. “I’m starving.” 

“Then have the salad I made,” Eddie said, pointing his fork at the meal on Richie’s plate. “They can be filling.” 

“But I don’t want a salad,” Richie said, looking up at him, a frown on his face, it looked like he was attempting and failing at puppy dog eyes. 

“It’s what I made,” Eddie shrugged. “If you don’t want it, you can walk out that door and go to your own apartment.” 

“And eat what? The measly crumbs in my poor poverty-ridden pantry?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I swear you’re trying to kill me,” Richie groaned, but he picked up his fork poking at the vegetable like it would honestly kill him. 

“If I was trying to kill you,” Eddie said with an eye roll. “There are much more effective ways of doing so.”

“Oh really?” Richie asked, leaning closer. “Pray tell.” 

“I’d probably put a contaminated needle in your bedroom, since its such a mess that you wouldn’t even notice anything’s out of place,” Eddie said, shivering at just the thought of Richie’s bedroom. Richie’s apartment on a whole was normally fine, free of any mess that made Eddie want to wash his hands until he cried, but Richie’s room was like a nuclear bomb exploded. 

It sometimes set Eddie off so bad that Richie had taken to closing the door whenever Eddie was supposed to come over, and if they were to hang out for a while, they would just go to Eddie’s place, or out to town. 

“That’s almost too easy,” Richie scoffed. “Come on you have to have other means.” 

“And why would I reveal them to you before I put them into play?” Eddie said, cocking an eyebrow and grinning as he shoved more lettuce leaves into his mouth. 

“Oh Eddie,” Richie said, fake fanning himself. “You’re so hot when plotting to kill me.” 

“Shut up,” Eddie snapped, cheeks heating up for no good reason. “Or I really will kill you.”

“Oh talk dirty to me baby,” Richie moaned, squealing when Eddie tossed a piece of his salad at him. “That’s assault!”

“It’s not assault if it’s deserved,” Eddie said smugly, but he was laughing, caught up in the moment. He forgot how much fun it was to hang out with Richie. They hadn’t spent time together one on one in a couple of weeks, Richie’s job conflicting with Eddie’s school and obligations to his boyfriend. 

It was silly how much he missed this, the casual banter, the easy conversation, the familiarity that surrounded them. He loved all of his friends, of course he did, but sometimes he wondered if he preferred Richie, just a tiny bit. They just clicked in a way that Eddie had never experienced, the two of them in an endless cycle going around each other. 

“How’s school going mi amour?” Richie asked, shoving more food into his mouth. “You got your fancy doctor award yet?”

“Don’t eat with your mouth open, it’s disgusting,” Eddie chided him. “And you know that’s not how it works, I still have at least another year or two of school, not to mention my interning, before I can actually call myself a practicing doctor.”

“Technicalities,” Richie snorted. “I can’t believe you are about to be fucking loaded man, you better take me out for so many dates that we get mistaken for a power couple.” 

“In your dreams.” 

“You can be my sugar daddy!” Richie said, with way too much enthusiasm for the words he was speaking. 

“Never speak to me again,” Eddie deadpanned. “You are the bane of my existence.” 

“Oh you love me,” Richie said. “Even if you give me weird salads as a way of showing it.” 

“I wish I poisoned it.” 

“Coulda, woulda, shoulda, didn’t,” Richie teased. “Are you almost done? I have some hot gossip I will only share once you make me popcorn.” 

“Demanding,” Eddie said, but he grabbed Richie’s plate and wandered towards the kitchen anyways. 

“You have any alcohol in this fine establishment?” Richie asked, meandering in after him and rummaging through the cupboards and looking around.

“Not any that’s mine,” Eddie said over his shoulders, popping the popcorn into the microwave and setting it for the proper time. “Butter?” 

“Enough to drown in Spaghetti,” Richie said cheerfully. “And don’t forget the salt.” 

“I swear you are going to have a heart attack by the age of 25,” Eddie said dryly, pulling out the butter and salt anyways. 

“Good thing you’ll be a doctor by then right?” Richie said cheerfully. "Can you turn up the heat?" 

"What?" Eddie asked, turning towards him to find Richie grinning like a cat that caught the canary. "Why?" 

"It's a bit," He held up the spicy pepper he found on the counter. "_Chilli_ in here." 

"I'm going to kill you." 

"Oh come on Eds," Richie groaned, darting across the room to grab some tomatoes Eddie bought to make salsa with. "I just wanted to let you know that I love you from my head, _to-ma-toes_!" 

Eddie stared at him, unimpressed. 

"That was some of my best work," Richie said, throwing the food over his shoulder. "You better appreciate it." 

"I don't." 

"Lame," Richie scoffed. "The popcorns burning." 

Sure enough, the popcorn was done, although not quite burned yet, Eddie walked over, taking the food from the microwave and replacing it with the butter he had cut up for Richie.

"Hey Eds," Richie called out. “If you have no alcohol in the house, explain these babies?” 

Eddie turned around, frowning when he saw the cans of beer in Richie’s hands. 

“Those are Myka’s,” Eddie informed him. 

“Yeah, so?” Richie asked. “He won’t mind, two little cans of beer my boy. Isn’t there like a saying? What’s his is yours? And what’s yours, Eddie darling, is mine!” 

“Richie,” Eddie warned. 

“Come on Eds,” Richie whined. “He won't care, and I am not drinking the piss water you call cherry wine again.” 

“My cherry wine is delicious thank you very much,” Eddi sniffed, biting his lips. 

Myka was super protective of his beer. He spent his time calculating the perfect amount of it to buy before he had to run out to the store again, and Eddie knew that he wasn’t allowed to touch it, that his beer was the few things in the house that were off-limits to him. 

But Eddie didn’t want to ruin Richie’s mood, and it was only two cans, how much harm could that do? 

“You can have it if you get the glasses yourself,” Eddie mumbled, turning around to avoid Richie’s eyes. “I’m not drinking from that dirty ass can.” 

Ignoring Richie’s whooping laughter of victory, Eddie reached into his pocket and pulled out his bottle of pills, quickly swallowing one down. The jittery nerves that came with defying the rules Myka set out dissipated slightly, never quite gone, but far enough that he could put it out of mind until later. 

“Shit!” Richie swore, and Eddie turned around, concern sparking That concern was increased tenfold when he saw the blood pouring from a cut of Richie’s hand, the other man’s face screwed up slightly in pain. 

“Shit,” Eddie echoed the sentiment, darting over there quickly and grabbing RIhcie's hand to assess the wound. It wasn’t anything bad, just a cut on his finger, but it was deep and probably hurt like a bitch. “You idiot, I’m going to have to clean that.” 

He ignored Richie’s protest and pulled him towards the bathroom, ordering him to sit on the counter as he dug around for his medical kit. 

Once he found it he turned to inspect the cut again, the flesh splitting on the top of Richie's thumb, the blood still steadily trickling out of it. It was fairly deep, but small, so there was nothing overly specific that he needed to do. 

“What's the verdict doc?” Richie asked. “You think I'll survive? Will I need to get it amputated? Can you even do anything? Is it too late for me?” 

“Stop being dramatic for five seconds you idiot,” Eddie grumbled, grabbing a wipe. “This might sting.” 

He swiped the cloth over the cut, feeling as Richie’s hand tensed under his, but the other man made no noise of pain. Eddie was glad that he didn’t, because although it was a small cut, Eddie kind of hated seeing Richie in pain. He hated seeing the blood on his skin, hearing the slight hiss of pain.

He carefully wiped the blood away, pressing the cut closed and gently wrapping a bandage around it seconds later. 

“There,” He said, looking up at Richie, his breath catching in his throat. 

Richie was sitting on the counter, and Eddie had gotten fairly close in order to clean the wound. Looking up, they weren’t even close to being eye to eye, Richie somewhere towering over him, but they were oddly close, their faces only inches apart from each other. Their breath was shared, their noses almost touching ad Eddie was struck with the sudden realization that if he moved forwards by a fraction of an inch they would be kissing.

Eddie felt the air around them shift, and suddenly he was hyper-aware of every inch of his skin, especially the parts of him in contact with Richie, his hand still holding onto his, Richie’s legs pressed against his hip, their chests practically flushed together. Every piece of him that was touching Richie felt like it was going to burn off.

“Well, is it good?” Richie said, his voice low and husky. “Or are you going to kiss it better to be sure?” 

Eddie snapped violently back into his body, stepping back quickly and releasing Richie’s hand instantly. His cheeks were heating up for no reason, and his heart was pounding fast enough for it to almost be enough to send him into cardiac arrest. He really wanted another pill right now. 

“Yeah, your fine,” Eddie cleared his throat, looking away from Richie’s eyes, the brown color just a bit too intense for him to handle right now. There was something hidden in those eyes, something familiar and Eddie was sure he had seen it before, but he didn’t want to put a name to it. “I need that drink now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? We're at the halfway point of the story, so the main plot of both stories should be really kicking into high gear by now, but I will warn you, there will probably be more chapters added lol. Please leave comments down below telling me what you think!


	11. Her hungry eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually kinda like this chapter? Weird. Also, please note that I have no self-control and ten new chapters have been added on. I finally got around to loosely plotting out what I wanted to happen, and it turns out it was a lot more than what I originally planned for.

Eddie sits at the dinner table. 

In front of him sits a plate of broccoli. 

His mom sits silently across from him, shoveling her own food into her mouth. Tonight it was mashed potatoes, a small slice of Shepherds pie, and a large helping of steamed broccoli. 

He picks up his fork, first cutting into the pie, raising it to his mouth and taking a bite. It was good, homemade from the neighbor beside them. Eddie never noticed it before, but most of their meals came from their neighbors. He had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with his mother’s constant complaining about how hard it was to take care of Eddie, but it wasn’t something he wanted to find out. 

The idea of his mother and him getting handouts for his fake illnesses was enough to make his stomach roll. 

He finished his pie within minutes, his mother never giving him large portions in the first place. Her claim was that if he ate too much, he ran the risk of getting diabetes, and his slow metabolism would cause him to get fat and that came with a whole new host of problems. He ignored how hypocritical that statement was coming from her, who had maybe three times the size of the meal on his plate. 

He dug into the potatoes, the consistency so dirt like he was sure his mother made it herself. The food stuck to the top of his mouth and he tried not to gag as he shoveled more in, desperate to leave the table. He could feel his mother’s eyes on the top of his head, but he didn’t dare look at her. 

He took a large sip of water, washing down the tasteless potatoes before staring down at the large heap of green vegetables on his plate. 

He debated getting up and leaving the table, but one quick glance at his mother proved that she would not allow that to happen. She wasn’t even eating anymore, just staring directly at him, her sweaty skin shining in the artificial lighting of their room. The blinds weren’t open, the sun was too big of a cancer risk. 

“Eat the rest of your meal,” His mother said softly. “I made it just for you.” 

He debated just standing up and leaving without a word, because what could she do to stop him? Sure she could block him from leaving, but there was no way she could force the food down his throat. 

But looking at his mother, there was something in her eyes that made him uneasy. A look just a few more shades darker, a few more notches away from sane. Eddie found that deep down, a part of him really didn’t want to figure out how far he could push his mom. 

He raised his fork and looked away from her eyes, because staring into her slack gaze was getting to be too much. He placed a piece of the soggy vegetable into his mouth and chewed. 

It wasn’t good, but none of his mom’s food ever was. Overcooked, poorly seasoned, somehow soggy and rigid at the same time. His mother had a knack for making food disgusting, and this broccoli was no exception. 

Every single bite felt like a death sentence for some reason, like he was pounding in nails to a coffin he didn’t even know existed. He wasn’t sure where this dread came from, but it came fast and he wasn’t really sure how to deal with it. He hoped he wouldn’t have to stay in this house for the rest of the night. 

He finished the broccoli, shoving all the food into his mouth and chewing it as fast as he could, drowning the taste with as much water as he could. His mother had resumed eating on her side, shoveling food into her mouth as fast as she could. Eddie noted that she ate a bit like an animal whenever she was at the table, but when she was on her recliner she had perfect table manners. 

“May I be excused?” Eddie asked, putting his fork onto his plate. 

“If you must Eddie-Bear,” His mother sighed. “I wish you would spend more time with me darling, I went through all this work to make you dinner and you barely take any time to talk to me.” 

Eddie ignored the sting in his chest, the familiar feeling of failing, of not living up to the standards of a perfect son. 

“I have homework to do,” He lied quietly, moving past his mom and out the door into the refuge of his room. 

_____________________________________

“We should go for a road trip,” Bill said done day as the Loser’s hung out in the clubhouse. Eddie was sitting on the hammock, Ben, Bill and Bev sitting in a corner, and the rest of the Losers playing a card game on the floor. “Just the seven of us.” 

“Seven of us confined to a car?” Stan asked. “Sounds like hell.” 

“At least one of us would go insane,” Bev pointed out. 

“I think it would be fun,” Mike shrugged.

Eddie held his tongue for once, just imagining a life where the seven of them could escape, hit the open road and ride into the sunset. He is suddenly reminded of the conversation he had with Richie those few days ago, and he looks over to catch the boys’ eyes, but Richie seemed to be looking everywhere except at him. 

“We could go after graduation,” Ben put in, fiddling idly with the radio. “Road trip somewhere far away, get some apartments, go to school and never let this end.” 

That was the looming fear that stayed over all of them, what was going to happen after school? Would they go to different schools and never see each other again? Would they stay as close as they were now? Would Eddie even be able to leave Derry? 

“I like that idea,” Bev said, smiling softly at Ben. “The Loser’s club against the world!” 

“A novel idea,” Bill said, grinning wildly at her. “No more bullies, no more stupid adults, just us and freedom, the ability to do whatever we would like.” 

“I think it’s a good idea,” Eddie spoke up. “I mean the probability of us all perishing horribly are high, but what’s life without a little fun?” 

“Even Eddie’s in agreeance of us dumb idea,” Richie muttered. “Must be a miracle.” 

“So it’s set,” Stan said. “As soon as we can we’re blowing this town together.” 

“What about money?” Ben asked, ever the thoughtful one. 

“Gas is expensive,” Eddie added on, nodding. 

“All bullshit idea’s have their downsides,” Richie snapped standing up. “Seven broke high schooler kids can’t do shit to escape, it’s a stupid idea.” 

With those words, he turned and climbed up the ladder, everyone left staring at him in shock. 

Eddie had no idea where that came from, why Richie was suddenly so moody, why Richie wouldn’t meet his eyes the entire time, why he was acting so off lately. 

Eddie stood up to follow him, but Bev was already moving towards the latch. 

“I’ll talk to the idiot,” She said, her eyes meeting Eddie and he felt like he should stop her, demand to go himself and talk to Richie by himself. Eddie was his best friend after all, but Eddie found that he wasn’t really sure how to deal with this side of Richie, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to. So he only nodded and watched Bev disappear through the hatch. 

The rest of the Losers sat there in silence, all of them on uneven footing. Richie was the one that held them together, his jokes and voices calming frayed nerves and settling disagreements. He was never the one angry or upset. None of them knew how to respond to this situation. 

“We’ll be friends right?” Stan asked softly, and they all turned t stare at him. He was staring down at his hands that were twisting in the fabric of his shirt. “No matter what happens? Road trips or separate ways? We’ll always be friends?” 

“Of course,” Bill said, blinking slowly. “Of course we will Stan.” 

“Nothing in this world is powerful enough to stop us,” Eddie declared. “No matter what, we’ll always find our way back to each other.” 

It felt like the truth. 

_____________________________________

“How are you?” Eddie asked Bev as they sat behind the bleachers. 

It wasn’t his first time back here with her, but it was a fairly uncommon thing for them to do. He liked Bev, he really did, but often she took Richie or Bill back here, smoking or gossiping about the people in their classes. 

“The usual,” Bev replied airily, blowing smoke from her mouth as she spoke. Her perfect red lipstick was smudged slightly off her lip. He wondered if he should tell her. He figures she already knows. Bev was cool like that. She knew her lipstick was smudged and she never did anything to change it, because sometimes things like that happen. 

Eddie wishes he could live life like that. Unafraid of the tiny things, the minuscule details that go over everyone’s head. But he can’t. He lives his life afraid of those small things. A small discoloring of his skin means cancer. A spot of dirt on his shirt means infection. A small cut on his lip means he’ll probably get aids. His life is dictated by those small things, and sometimes he hates it. Normally he’s too exhausted changing them to even think of the disgust churning in his gut. 

“How are you Eddie?” She asks, raising one eyebrow in a move that Eddie himself had tried to perfect. But only Bev and Stan were able to do it, much to everyone else’s chagrin. “Your mom still giving you heck?” 

“When isn’t she?” Eddie answered truthfully. 

“That’s not an answer Eddie,” Bev said gently. “How are you?” 

He thought about it for a moment. 

“Tired,” He answered honestly. All he ever was lately was tired. 

Tired of the mind games with his mom. Tired of doubting himself every step he took. Tired of having to wash his hands over and over again until the panic went away. Tired of Richie avoiding him. Tired of having to pretend that he wasn’t tired. The list went on and on. 

“Aren’t we all,” Bev said, and coming from anyone else, he might have felt offended. He might have felt betrayed that someone might be relating their petty struggles to his own, which was increasingly selfish, but Eddie had never been one to be overly thoughtful of anyone other than himself and his friends. But coming from Bev, well it felt less condescending and more affirming. 

Bev snuffed the cigarette out of the metal beside her, sighing and laying her head back against the cool metal. 

“We haven’t done this in ages you know,” She said, her eyes not opening. Eddie looks away from her, he never liked looking at people who couldn’t see him back. It felt like he was looking at something that wasn’t meant to be seen at that moment. “The two of us alone back here, chatting, catching up.” 

“Normally it’s you and Richie,” Eddie dares to say, although it feels like talking about Richie is taboo sometimes. He wasn’t sure when, but things had shifted with his best friend, and not only with him but the rest of the group as well. 

“Yeah, normally it is,” Bev snorts, shifting. Eddie doesn’t look over to her. “But that idiots been acting like an asshole lately, and you’re just as crazy as him, but with the ability of forethought thrown in.” 

“Thanks I think,” He said dryly. 

They sit in silence for a while, and Eddie hears Beverly light another cigarette. The stink of smoke lies heavily in the air, but Eddie shoves all thoughts about lung cancer and second-hand smoke away. 

“I’m worried about him,” Bev declares, and she almost sounds annoyed about it. “I’m fucking worried about that little piece of shit and I know I shouldn’t after how he acted, but I can’t help it.” 

Eddie bites back the urge to ask what happened, because he was starting to feel a bit lost in this conversation. But he knew he needed to let Beverly talk, because she was a simple person. She would talk if you let her, but the second you spoke up it was almost like she remembered you were there and shut down. So he sat back and let her talk, not daring to even look her way in case she noticed him and decided it was better to stay quiet. 

“He hasn’t been himself lately, and I know he’s stressed about a million things but sometimes I wonder what the hell is causing him to pull away like he is. This isn’t like him; you should know that better than anyone.” 

He did. He had been wondering it himself, why Richie avoided him in the halls, why whenever they talked it lacked the distinct Richie-ness Eddie craved. And he missed it. Fuck he hated to admit it but it felt like a piece of himself was missing, a large Richie shaped hole in his heart despite the boy being there to still fill it. 

“I just,” Bev sighed, like the words wouldn’t come to her. “You’re being too damn quiet Eddie, I hate it when you get quiet, you and Richie never shut up and yet somehow you’ve both been too damn quiet!” 

“Sorry,” Eddie said immediately, eyes snapping over to hers, but falling away the second they made contact. “I’ll talk if you want me to. I’m good at talking, or well, rambling I guess. I just didn’t want to say something wrong when you were talking you know? You’re pretty much Richie’s best friend, and I’m worried about him too, so I just needed to know that you saw it too. That something is wrong with him.” 

“I see it,” Bev said softly. “I’m sorry for snapping. Everything’s just changing lately and it’s stressing me out.” 

“Me too,” Eddie said quietly, looking back over to her. She did look tired, really she did. She looked no different from normal, but there was a certain tiredness to her eyes, the way she slumped into herself, the faded makeup hiding the bruises on her arms. “Something happening, something big, and it’s happened so fast I didn’t even notice it until it passed.” 

“Yeah,” Bev said with a laugh. “That’s a good way of putting it.” 

They sat in silence for a lot longer, and Eddie’s hand twitched with the need to do something. 

“Eddie?” Bev asked, her voice frail. “Can you please come here?” 

He didn’t hesitate, crawling across to sit beside her, snuggling up close to her until their arms were pressed together and he thought for a second that he wouldn’t be able to stand it, that it would simply overwhelm him, the feeling of her smooth skin against his. 

But she carefully laid her head on his shoulder, almost delicately, and he knew that if he needed to he could pull away and she wouldn’t mind. But he found he didn’t. 

So they sat there for a long time, her head on his shoulder and their fingers tangled together in their laps. They talked about meaningless nothings, filling the silence as the sun set and the tears dried on both their cheeks. 

Eddie wondered just how long it would take until they all snapped. 

He just hoped that they would be able to glue the pieces back together when it happened. 

__________________________________________

The thing about their group was that sometimes they just never talked about things. 

Mostly their communication skills were on point and they could work out their issues without any problems. But other times they just pretended like nothing happened and nothing ever got better until they all either forgot or got over themselves. 

They were having a picnic together at Mike’s farm, all seven of them and they all acted like Richie hadn’t been acting weird for almost two months now, like they all weren’t walking on eggshells around him because he was acting like a hormonal, moody teenager. 

It should have been fun. Eddie should be enjoying himself because they were all laughing and joking and it was just like it was months before everything started its downwards descent into madness. But he found he couldn’t. 

His head was pounding like someone inside it was holding a hammer, and despite it being only a moderately warm day, he felt like he was going to die of heatstroke. Every few seconds he found himself unable to focus on what was happening around him because he would be hit with another wave of heat, or the pain inside his head would increase and Eddie would be lost to the action of simply calming himself down from panic. 

He felt sick. 

But he wasn’t fucking _sick_. He was never sick before and he wasn’t sick now and he was just overacting, there was nothing wrong with this. Just a little headache was all. It didn’t matter that sometimes if he moved too suddenly everything would go blurry and he would see double for a good fifteen seconds. 

The panic was growing in his chest but he pretended not to notice it because he should be _happy_ goddamn it. Everyone else was, everyone was having the time of their lives and Eddie wanted to join in. He wanted to know what everyone was laughing about, but the joke sounded like it was said underwater and all he could do was smile and hope he didn’t look like an idiot. 

He tried running over everything that could have made him sick lately. Not that he was sick. He wasn’t sick. But if he was going to be sick, there wasn’t much it could be. None of the Loser’s were sick, he hadn’t gone out much to the barrens or any other gross places, and he hadn’t eaten anything other than his mother’s food lately. And as horrible as it tasted, he had never gotten sick over it. 

There was no reasonable reason for him to feel this way. 

“Eddie?” Richie asked, and Eddie blinked, finding Richie frowning at him in a very un-Richie like way. It looked like he was sucking on a lemon. He wondered what he missed, and all the Loser’s were staring at him openly in concern, and he had been here for less than an hour and already managed to fuck it up. 

He wasn’t supposed to show them he wasn’t feeling good, because that would ruin their day and they would worry that he was sick again and he wasn’t fucking sick. He couldn’t be sick. 

“Yeah?” He asked, but it felt like it came out too slow, like he was speaking through molasses. 

“Are you okay?” Richie asked, and Eddie marveled how this might be the most Richie had talked to him in ages. How depressing was that? Eddie never wanted him to stop. 

“Just dandy,” Eddie muttered, and he blinked hard, his vision blurring again and his skin felt like it was on fire. 

As if reading his mind, Beverly scooted forwards, pressing a hand against his forehead, he reached up to swat it, but the limb was slow and clumsy like it didn’t want to follow the instruction given to him by his brain. 

“You’re burning up,” She noted, frowning. 

“Are you sick?” Bill asked, and Eddie wanted to smack him. 

“I am not sick,” He hissed at him, curling into himself. 

He wasn’t sick, he couldn’t be sick. Eddie hadn’t ever been sick a day in his life and he wasn’t starting now. Not after he figured everything out, not after he knew it was all a lie. 

“Okay, okay,” Richie said, hand on his shoulder and Eddie found himself subconsciously relaxing at the touch. “You’re not sick. Got it. Still taking you home.” 

“I don’t want to go,” Eddie protested. He didn’t want to leave, he felt safe around the Losers. He didn’t feel safe at home. 

“Too bad Eds,” Richie said cheerfully, pulling him to his feet. His limbs felt clumsy and useless. “You look like you’re going to fall over any second, and Mike doesn’t need any more fertilizer here.” 

Eddie opened his mouth to protest, but a wave of nausea hit him so fast he closed his mouth if only to avoid spewing chunks everywhere. 

He heard Richie saw goodbye to everyone, but it was as if it was coming through static on a tv. Everything was blurring together and Eddie just wanted to curl into a ball and sleep for a couple of hundred years. 

Richie and him were walking away in silence, and Eddie mused over how this was the first time they’ve been properly alone since that one day that Richie snuck through his window. 

Eddie luckily hadn’t taken his bike today. He wouldn’t be able to take it today, everything swirling so much that he would crash into a million trees before he even got down the hill. 

“Are you sure your alright?” Richie asked, and he sounded almost concerned. 

“Why do you care?” Eddie asked. “I thought you were ignoring me.” 

Not the best option at this moment, but it was like every filter in his mind was shut off at the moment. 

“I’m not ignoring you,” Richie said. It sounded like a lie. Eddie opened his mouth and told Richie just that. 

Richie’s hands tightened slightly around his arm, and only then was Eddie aware that Richie was helping him walk. 

“My world consists of things other than you Eddie,” Richie said, and his voice sounded cold. 

“You always made time for me before,” Eddie snapped. “What changed?” 

“Jesus Eddie!” Richie said, hands leaving Eddie’s arms to be thrown into the air. “Can’t a guy live his life without having his every move questioned? I have friends other than you.” 

Eddie was weirdly tuned into the words for a man currently spinning off balance, tipping over the edge and falling before he could catch himself. 

The ground was hard, and his hands cushioned his fall, little pieces of gravel digging into his hands. They would probably get cut, judging by the sharp sting. 

“Shit!” Richie cursed, turning and practically falling to his knees, hands reaching out towards him. Eddie found that he really didn’t want them anymore. 

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Eddie screamed; a tad bit hysterical. “You’ve always had other friends Richie, but never have you shoved me away for them, so why are you now?” 

Richie didn’t say anything, simply stared at him with wide eyes. Eddie felt tears prick the inside of his eyes, and he wanted to sob and scream and sleep until the pain radiating from his head faded. 

“What did I do wrong?” Eddie asked. “Tell me Richie, why are you avoiding me? Why do you hate me?” 

“I don’t hate you!” Richie cried, hands outreaching before pulling back again. “God Eds, I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. You’re my, my best friend Eddie. I can’t hate you. It’s physically impossible.” 

“Then where have you been?” Eddie asked, and the first few tears leaked down his cheeks. He was just so tired, he wanted to get this over with. He wanted to not feel so out of control of everything. 

“I’m sorry,” Richie hung his head. “I’ll try better okay? I’ve missed you too buddy.” 

“Doesn’t feel that way,” Eddie whispered. “It feels like you don’t care about me anymore.” 

And that really was his biggest fear wasn’t it? Not sickness, not death, not his mother, but Richie not caring about him. Richie becoming just another background figure in his life. Richie not feeling the same about Eddie the way Eddie felt about him. 

Richie didn’t say anything, simply leaned forwards and hugged him and Eddie held onto him like a man dying, because he kind of felt like he was. 

“Please don’t go,” Eddie whispered to him, heat radiating from his skin, his head pounding and stomach rolling. 

“I won’t,” Richie said fiercely. “I promise I won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? I finally introduced another major plotline, so that should be fun.


	12. It's a crime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Big content warning for domestic abuse, it's going to be pretty consistent through this story now, so just be aware of that!!

Eddie has only lived in this apartment for a few years, but he loves it almost a million times more than his last place. The biggest perk of it was his study area, a desk built into the corner of the room, right in front of a large window, allowing him to have a nice view while he worked. 

He was currently working on his homework, a concept in class didn’t make total sense to him, so he knew he had to keep studying it if he wanted to maintain his mark. Myka was wandering around the kitchen, getting snacks and drinks for his show. 

Every Wednesday around this time Myka’s favorite crime show was on the television, and he would sit down and watch it. Eddie knew to not bug him or interrupt him in any way, this time was slotted for his show and his show only. Eddie tried watching it with him once or twice, but the subject matter hit him weirdly. 

Learning about the victims of bloody murder with graphic scenes just made him panic, and every time he attempted to watch it he ended up leaving halfway through, a bad taste in his mouth and anxiety in his veins. He’d normally clean something after just to distract himself. 

“Hey babe?” Myka called from the kitchen. “Can you come here for a minute please?” 

“Just let me finish this worksheet,” Eddie called back, scribbling more notes into his book. 

“It’ll only take a minute,” Myka said, and Eddie sighed, putting his pencil down. Myka would bug him about it until he went over, so he might as well get it over with. 

“What’s up?” Eddie asked, walking into the kitchen. Myka was leaning against the counter, his face unreadable. On the counter was a bowl of chips and a single beer. 

“I’m missing two beers,” Myka said softly, and despite himself, Eddie felt a spike of panic race down his spine. 

“Yeah, shit, sorry I meant to tell you, Richie and I had them when he came over,” Eddie said, shaking his head. He really had meant to tell Myka, but it slipped from his mind so easily. 

“When was Richie over?” Myka asked, his face falling into a frown. 

“When you were out with your friends,” Eddie reminded him. “A couple nights ago? I told you I would have some of my friends over for dinner.” 

“I didn’t know you meant _him_,” Myka said with distaste, and Eddie bristled slightly. 

“What’s wrong with Richie?” He challenged. “He’s done nothing to you.” 

“He took my beers,” Myka pointed out, pointing to the empty six-pack. Eddie threw up his hands, moving towards the cupboard where he knew there was more. 

“There’s at least another pack in here,” Eddie started, but was cut off when Myka grabbed his arm as he moved past. 

Before Eddie could be offended or shake out of the grip, Myka’s hand was flashing by him, slapping him clean across the face. 

Time hung in balance for a second, Eddie gaping at Myka, a hand pressed against his stinging cheek. Tears sprung into Eddie’s eyes, a combination of the shock, betrayal, and hurt. 

“What the fuck?” Eddie whispered, shaking out of Myka’s grip. 

“You do not touch my shit Eddie,” Myka warned lowly, raising a finger into his face. Eddie flinched away despite himself. “Especially not my beers, and especially not for that asshole of a friend!” 

“You hit me,” Eddie said, his voice wavering, he took a couple steps back, distancing himself from his boyfriend. 

“You stole from me!” Myka yelled. 

“I fell like that’s exaggerated for me drinking a beer with my friend, hell I would have just bought you another case or something-“ 

“With what money?” Myka challenged stepping closer. Eddie backed up more, panic surging up in him. His cheek still stung, the area hot and probably red. He would need to ice it. 

“I have to go study,” Eddie stammered, turning and walking towards the door, but Myka grabbed his arm. 

“We’re not done talking,” He warned lowly. 

“I think we are.” 

“I don’t think you got the point Eddie.” 

“You’re a psychopath,” Eddie hissed, trying to pull his arm away, his breath starting to come out in faster pants. “Let go of me.” 

“You will never touch my beer again,” Myka warned, eyes flashing and for a second Eddie felt genuine fear. “Is that understood? And you will not hang out with Richie alone in this house again, I don’t want you to get any ideas of cheating on me.” 

“I would never cheat on you!” Eddie protested, the idea was absurd, Eddie wasn’t an asshole. 

“I said is that understood?” Myka screamed, grip tightening as he pulled Eddie close enough that their noses were brushing. Eddie couldn’t speak over the fear climbing up his throat. Myka had never acted like this, so hostile, so terrifying. 

No words came from his mouth, his throat closing as Eddie sputtered, Myka’s face taking up his entire vision and he wanted to scream, wanted to hide in his room and pull the covers over his head, wanted to step into a boiling hot shower until his skin melted off. 

Myka’s hand raised and struck him across the cheek once again, hard enough to send Eddie sprawling onto the floor. 

He sat there on the ground, staring up at his boyfriend, his cheek stinging from the harsh hit delivered to it. Eddie felt oddly detached from himself, the pain feeling like it was coming from a million miles around, all emotions squeezed out of him. 

“My shows on,” Myka grumbled, looking down at him with no expression. “Clean yourself up.” 

Myka left the room, and Eddie reached into his pocket and dry swallowed two pills. Somehow it calmed the feelings of panic and fear, although the stinging in his cheek didn’t quite stop. 

_______________________________ 

Later that night, Myka crawled into bed with him and whispered apologies into his ear, soft kisses to his cheeks, and they agree to go out to Eddie’s favorite restaurant the next night. 

When Eddie wakes up, he pulls out his old makeup collection, holding back tears as he covered the soft redness on his cheek with foundation. 

He stared into the mirror, taking in his red-rimmed eyes, his blotchy skin that’s only starting to be covered by the makeup. Below the thin layer he put on, you could still clearly see the blossoming purple and black on his cheek. It was hard to miss. It wasn’t a large bruise, only spanning an inch on his cheekbone, but it was ugly. Eddie felt like puking. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to stop his breathing from coming out in the irregular pants that it was. He ran his hand through his hair, looking back up into the mirror and trying to style it into something acceptable. It was a cute bedhead right now, and a part of him wanted to keep it like that. 

But another part cringed at the thought, causing him to grab a brush and styling cream without another thought. The idea of leaving his hair the way it was made him want to tear it all out. He combed his hair seven times. He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of his pills.

He was in a shitty situation, there was no denying that. But he was going to make the best out of it. So if he had to wear foundation to cover the bruise left on his cheekbone, then he would do his hair and makeup to the best of his ability. 

He caked more foundation on until his cheek looked almost normal, brushing on some blush and highlight helped that as well. He dusted his eyelids with a faint pink color, doing light mascara and eyeliner. 

He sat back once he was done, looking over at his face, now bruiseless and covered in a simple but elegant makeup look. 

His hands tightened on the counter and he took a deep breath, the release shaky and he fought back tears. 

What was he doing? Why was he still here? Myka _hit_ him last night. And it wasn’t an accident like the first time. He had struck him with malicious intent, and Eddie was sitting here in the bathroom covering himself up like he was in some crappy teen movie. 

And yet he couldn’t leave. The thought had barely passed his mind before he dismissed it, because where would he go? He quit his job, he wouldn’t have anywhere to stay, and he needed to finish his schooling. If he left that would just be too much, he would be so preoccupied with trying to live that he wouldn’t have any time to study or go to class. 

And he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t give up his dream because he was acting dramatic over one little hit. 

He turned and walked out of the bathroom. 

“I’m heading to the library for some studying,” Eddie called out to Myka, who was sitting at the counter eating some cereal. 

“Okay,” He said, smiling at Eddie. “Text me when you get there and when you leave, can you be home by two?”

“Yeah, that works,” Eddie nodded, glancing at the clock. It was only eleven. 

“Okay,” Myka got up, walking over to him and sweeping him into a hug. Eddie tried not to flinch too hard. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Eddie said, and Myka kissed his gently, eyes momentarily darting to where the bruise was. 

“I’ll see you later,” Myka said, kissing him gently on the cheek. 

Eddie turned and left without another word. 

The walk to the library was freezing, the temperature having dropped dramatically over the past week. Soon he would actually need to wear an actual jacket, not just one of his sweaters. He curled into himself, hugging his sides and attempting to warm himself up again. 

He made it to the library in just under ten minutes, sighing as the heat seeped back into his bones. 

“Back again Eddie?” The librarian asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I waited a day,” Eddie defended himself with a smile. 

“And how lonely that day was without my favorite boy asking me for help finding something every five seconds and then correcting me on where it is?” She snarked, and Eddie grinned, shaking his head. Maybe he did go here too often. 

“Point taken,” He said, raising his hands. “I’ll try not to bother you today.” 

“We’ll see how long that lasts,” She called after him as he walked towards his favorite spot to study. It was a cute corner filled with a small couch and little retractable tables, a window to his side that he could look out of when he needed a distraction. 

He walked up, turning the corner and stopping in shock. Sitting there, heads together close together and whispering furiously were Richie and Adrian. 

“Um,” He said, blinking awkwardly. “Hi?” 

Both of them looked up like toddlers caught with a hand in the cookie jar, eyes wide as they stared at him. 

“Eddie!” Adrian said, grinning wildly. “Hi!” 

“Hi,” He said again, still confused. Richie and Adrian had only interacted once or twice that Eddie knew, so finding them together at the library was weird enough, and what was even weirder was the fact that they were trying to discreetly shove all their books and papers behind them. 

“You’re wearing makeup,” Richie blurted out, staring at him with wide eyes. 

Eddie blinked. 

“And it looks amazing,” Adrian continued. “Your eyeliner is on point babes.” 

“Thanks,” Eddie said, taking a deep breath. “What are you guys doing here?” 

“Studying for a test,” Richie said grinning at him. 

“You’re not in school right now.” 

“Studying for my test,” Adrian cut in. “Richie was kind enough to come and help me.” 

“Oh,” Eddie said, shaking his head and trying to wrap his mind around the fact that they were apparently friends. Without letting him know, or including him. It was their life he guessed. Just shocked him. “Neat. Um, what test?” 

“Quantum physics,” Adrian said with a smile. “We should get going now though.” 

“Yeah,” Richie said, head nodding like a bobblehead and he shoved papers and books into his bag. Eddie couldn’t’ see what they were about. “Nice seeing you Eds!” 

Then they were gone, brushing past him and leaving without a backwards glance. 

Eddie had weird friends. 

__________________________________

The dinner Myka and him went to was a very nice restaurant. 

It was Italian, one of the nicest in New York. Myka and him were far from poor, in fact due to both Myka’s grandmother’s inheritance and Eddie’s own mothers, they were quite well off. But going out to a place like this was rare. 

Myka and him were both wearing dress suits, dressed up and sitting in the dim lighting of the restaurant, a candle placed in front of them. 

Eddie ordered gnocchi as normal, Myka a classic alfredo pasta. They were chatting idly about class as they ate, and for the first time in a while Eddie felt comfortable around Myka again. Sure, his cheek was still bruised dark blue, but they were fine. It was a fluke. 

“I saw Richie and Adrian at the library today,” Eddie mentioned, shoving more pasta into his mouth. 

“Oh,” Myka blinked. “Are they fucking now?” 

“Jesus,” Eddie hissed. “No they’re not, I just didn’t know they were friends.” 

“Oh, good,” Myka said through a mouthful of food that made Eddie want to gag. “I like Don, I would hate to have Adrian break his heart.” 

“Yeah, that would be a blowout and a half,” Eddie shivered. “But they were just being super suspicious for some reason, probably planning some surprise bullshit party or something.”

“They better not be,” Myka grumbled. “I hate surprises.” 

“I know you do,” Eddie said fondly. “Remember when your friends tried to organize you a birthday party?” 

“Oh god,” Myka shivered dramatically. “If you weren’t there to save me I would have died.” 

“Yeah, you’re welcome for that,” Eddie teased, winking at him. 

They finished the dinner without any hiccups, the two of them leaving into the night. 

Myka’s arm snaked around Eddie’s waist as they walked downtown, marveling at the lights of the city. 

Eddie didn’t like going into town much. There were just too many sights and sounds and thousands of variables that he couldn’t control. Not to mention the abundance of people and illnesses and germs that they were spreading by simply being on the same sidewalk. 

“Hey babe?” Myka said, bumping their shoulders together and pulling Eddie from his thoughts. “You’re thinking too much again.” 

“I think a perfectly normal amount thanks,” Eddie said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his pill bottle. 

He popped one into his mouth and focused on screwing the lid back on. 

Someone ran into his shoulder, their bones digging deep into his skin, sending him stumbling to the side, Myka reaching out to stabilize him. 

“What the hell man!” Some man said, throwing up his hands and glaring at him. “Get out of my way.” 

Eddie wanted to remind him that he as the one to run into Eddie, but his mind was too busy spiraling. 

The skin that touched the other man, even through the clothes, was itching. He could practically feel the germs seeping into his skin, staining his blood and insides. It burned as if someone held a fire poker to his shoulder and kept digging it in, further and further until Eddie felt like screaming. 

He needed to get home, he needed to shower, he needed to shed his clothes and his skin until something worked to stop the twisting mess of his mind. 

“Sorry about that sir,” Myka said smoothly, hands still clutching around Eddie and he wanted them _off_, but any attempt to shake his boyfriend off was useless, the grip only tightening until Eddie could barely see straight, his breathing coming out rapidly. 

“Control your freak dude,” The man scoffed, turning and walking away leaving Eddie and Myka on their own. 

Eddie felt like everyone was staring at him, judging him and wondering why the hell he was acting this way. Tears pricked the back of his eyes, and he felt like screaming, his shoulder still aching and twisting and lurching with the feeling of the other man’s skin on his, the feeling of thousands of germs now clinging to him like there was no letting go. 

“Deep breaths Eddie,” Myka sapped, causing Eddie to flinch. “Jesus Christ you’re making a scene.” 

He curled further into himself, walking faster and hoping that Myka would just stop touching him, stop holding him with those large hands that felt like black pools of nothing seeping into his skin, poisoning him, staining him with something so dirty that Eddie could barely comprehend it. 

They finally got to their apartment, and Eddie practically ran inside, flinging himself towards the kitchen sink, the tap turning on almost magically. He just needed to wash his hands, the soap pouring onto his fingers and the bubbles forming. 

Once, twice, three times-

Myka’s hands were grabbing at him again, tearing him away from the warm water, his only possible shot at ridding himself of the dirtiness, the disease bubbling under his skin.

“No, stop-” Eddie protested weakly, tears leaking down his cheeks. He just felt so wrong, so out of it, so miserable. He just needed to get to seven, seven times and then he’d be fine, everything would be better and he could breathe again. 

“What the hell was that Eddie?” Myka hissed. “You fucking embarrassed me in the middle of a crowded street. Freaking out like that, breathing weird, crying over absolutely nothing. What the hell’s wrong with you?” 

“I-“ Eddie said, but the words got caught in his throat like molasses. 

Myka’s hands were digging into his arm. He was sure he would have finger-shaped bruises on them later. They made him feel disgusting, like the pores in his skin were blocked off by the grease and dirt on Myka’s hand, transferring to Eddie. 

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Myka hissed. “I can’t go anywhere without you freaking out anymore, are you not taking your pills?”

“I am,” Eddie protested weakly. He wanted one now, wanted the relief they brought him. Or he could just go back to the sink, rise himself off a few more times and everything would be fine, but Myka was in and his hands were still clutching tightly onto him and Eddie wanted to scream. 

“And you’re still a mess,” Myka said softly, before his hands were gone and moved to Eddie’s chest, pushing him hard enough that he fell to the ground. 

Eddie’s head bounced off the floor, and he blinked in surprise, his ears ringing as he laid there. 

“Get up Eddie,” Myka hissed. Eddie barely processed it, the words sounding like they were coming from underwater. Shit, he would have to check himself for a concussion now. 

Eddie slowly sat up, moving to his knees and hoisting himself to his feet, ignoring the way his vision spun and tunneled. 

“Let’s go to bed,” Myka said, starting towards the stairs. 

“No,” Eddie shook his head, stars exploding in front of his eyes. “I think I’m going to go to Mike’s for a bit.” 

He turned, ignoring Myka calling out after him as he opened the door and stepped through, closing it soundly behind him. He took a deep breath, his breathing still coming out in gasps as he stood there, furiously swiping at his eyes He hoped his makeup hadn’t run. That would suck. 

He walked on unsteady feet until he reached Mike’s door, knocking immediately. 

He could have gone to Bev and Ben’s, but they had a date night tonight, so he figured they wouldn’t be in. Stan was always in bed at this time, and Patty and him weren’t close enough for him to go to her as this much as a mess. In fact, he didn’t want to go to any of them like this. 

What he wanted to do was go see Richie. He wanted to bask in the calming aura of his best friend, laugh at some of his stupid jokes and accents and feel fucking safe for once in this horrid week. Richie made him feel safe. 

But Richie worked the late shift at his radio, meaning that the only people left were Mike and Bill. Fitting that both times things go wrong, he found himself at their door. He really hoped they didn’t mind him crashing. He supposed he could also walk down and see if Adrian or Don were home if everything went wrong.

The door opened, Bill blinking in surprise at him. 

“Hi,” Eddie said, offering him a shaky smile. “Can I come in?” 

Bill stared at him for a long second, mouth falling open and Eddie wondered how crappy he looked. He wasn’t crying anymore, but his eyes would be red, and his arms might be red from Myka’s fingers as well. But other than that he was sure he didn’t’ look that bad, not bad enough for Bill to be hesitating this long. Maybe he shouldn’t have come. 

“Of course!” Bill said, shaking his head as if dispelling an unwelcome thought. He swept his arms in, and Eddie let out a sigh of relief, a weight falling off his shoulder. “Mike’s just in the living room.” 

“If I’m interrupting I’ll leave,” Eddie said, shifting from foot to foot. “I don’t want to impose.” 

“No!” Bill said, rather loudly. Eddie fought his nerves to not flinch. He still felt like he was on fire, his fingers twitching with the need to do something, to clean something until he could make up for the dirt he was spreading. “It’s fine, we were just sitting around doing nothing. Don’t worry about its Eddie. Can I get you something?” 

“Can I use your bathroom?” Eddie asked quietly. 

“Of course.” 

Eddie didn’t need much else, turning and walking to where he knew the bathroom was. Once he was in he let out his breath, turning on the tap and furiously scrubbing at his hands. 

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. 

The knot in his chest started to loosen and he repeated the action seven more times. Seven run-throughs of seven until he felt like a human being again. He wasn’t okay, not by a long shot, but he was able to breathe, to think properly. 

He looked up at the mirror, inspecting his slightly smudged makeup. He rubbed at it until it looked more natural, fingers running through his hair until it looked less out of place. His fingers inspected the back of his head, and he flinched when he felt a tender bump at the back. 

He gently prodded it, glad it wasn’t bleeding as he sighed, placing both hands on the sink as he took some deep breaths. 

He didn’t want Mike and Bill to get worried, so he turned and walked out, wondering what he was going to do now. He didn’t want to bug his friends, not on their night in. 

“Hey,” He said, waving awkwardly as he walked into the living room, Bill and Mike were on the same couch, heads together as they talked, but they both snapped up to look at him when he walked in. 

“Hey Eddie,” Mike said softly, and Eddie loved that about Mike. He was also so soft, so gentle. It was nice after hearing Myka scream at him for ten minutes straight. “What’s up?” 

Nothing much,” He lied airily. “I’m sorry to bug you guys, I can go if you want.” 

“No,” Bill said quickly. “Don’t go. It’s fine. I was about to make some popcorn? Do you want some?”

He had just eaten, and after whatever just happened, he didn’t have much of an appetite. 

“Sure,” He said anyways, because it was better than standing around doing absolutely nothing and panicking. 

“I’m just going to go use the washroom,” Mike said, looking pointedly at Bill for a reason Eddie couldn’t decipher. “I’ll be right back.” 

He left with a quick wave, and Bill and him sat in silence for a moment. 

“So, uh, Eddie?” Bill asked, appearing to try and go for casual and missing it by a mile. “Is-is everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie said, a bit too fast. “Everything fine.” 

“Yuh-you can tell me if it’s not,” Bill said gently, his stutter breaking through. “I juh-just want you to be oo-okay.” 

“Everything’s great Bill,” Eddie said, forcing a smile. “You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“Of course I’m guh-going to worry,” Bill snapped, running a hand through his hair. Eddie had never seen Bill this bothered, he was also so collected. “I ca-can’t luh-lose you again Eddie.” 

Eddie blinked, frowning at his friend. 

“Again?” He asked, and Bill blinked, eyes widening. “What do you mean again?” 

“You guys ready?” Mike said, walking back into the room with a smile on his face. Eddie wanted to protest, to demand what the hell Bill meant. But it was so much work. Energy he didn’t have, he just wanted to rest, to have fun, forget this night.

The three of them chatted casually as they moved to the kitchen, and Eddie immediately hopped onto the counter, swinging his legs and taking a shuttering breath at the familiarity. How many times had he sat here and watched Bill cook? It felt natural to be there, surrounded by friends. 

“We were going to watch a movie,” Mike told him, pulling out the popcorn and passing it to Bill, kissing his cheek as he passed. “But we couldn’t choose one so we just decided to eat popcorn and sit on the couch like the lame people we are.” 

“I think that’s a good idea,” Eddie said, smiling as Bill threw the kernels into a pan with some oil and butter. 

They continued chatting as the popcorn cooked, talking about everything and nothing, meaningless conversations meant to occupy the empty space between them and nothing else. It was nice, getting lost in the conversation and floating away from his body, away from the ache in his arms, cheek, and head. Away from the leftover panic still coursing through his body. Away from the dirtiness in his soul. 

The popcorn was done, and as Bill was getting some bowls, Mike winked at Eddie, reaching forwards and grabbing a few kernels, squinting his eyes and throwing one at the back of Bill’s head. 

“Hey!” Bill protested, turning around with a grin on his face. “You asshole.” 

Eddie cackled, reaching forwards and grabbing a handful, tossing it at Bill as well. For a few minutes, it was just him and Mike pelting it at Bill, who tried to catch as many as he could in his mouth as they all laughed. 

Then Bill reached forwards and threw some at Mike, and then they were all just throwing it at each other, laughing until tears were leaking out of their eyes and there was no popcorn leftover for them to eat. 

For the first time that day, Eddie felt okay. This was okay. Better than okay it was perfect. Sitting here happily with his friends, laughing and joking. 

How could he ruin this? How could he tell them that something was wrong? It would ruin everything, they would treat him differently, everything would change. 

Eddie didn’t want this to change. He wanted to stay like this forever, stuck in this moment with his two best friends. He was happy, they were happy, how could he ever do anything to jeopardize this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hate Myka lmao


	13. Run until you feel your lungs bleeding

“Look,” Richie said, hands in the air. “I am all for sticking it to your mother, but is this really a good idea?” 

“I think this is a brilliant idea,” Eddie sniffed. 

“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m with Richie,” Bev said, leaning against the wall with a cigarette in her mouth. Richie and her had been sharing it. Eddie was almost tempted to ask for a turn too, but his skin crawled at the idea. “The track team? Really Eddie?” 

“I don’t have asthma,” Eddie said, signing his name with a flourish before taking a deep breath. 

He still felt shitty. Not as horrible as he did a couple of weeks ago, when this shit all started, but still bad. A persistent ache in his stomach, pounding of his head, hot flashes that sent him reeling. A part of him knew that joining the track team would make it worse, a bigger part of him didn’t care. 

He wasn’t sick. He was never sick. 

“It isn’t the asthma shit,” Richie continued. “But your mom will blow her boobs off if she finds out. And you never run anywhere.” 

“I run,” Eddie said unconvincingly. “And let her be pissed, I’ve always wanted to join the track team.” 

“Yeah, when you were six and thought the track team was a fun school activity,” Richie pointed out. “You joined it in grade two and had such a bad asthma attack your mom took you to the hospital. She almost got the gym teacher fired she was so pissed.”

“That was then,” Eddie remained stubborn. He was joining this team no matter what. “This is now.” 

“Do you even know anyone that’s on the team?” Beverly asked. “Won’t you be lonely?” 

“Ben said he’d join with me if I needed him too.” 

“Haystack can’t run to save his life,” Richie deadpanned. “He’s larger than a whale, they’d never take him.” 

“Stop being an asshole Richie,” Beverly snapped. “There’s nothing wrong with Ben’s weight.”

“He is overweight though,” Eddie said absent-mindedly. “That’s unhealthy.” 

“You shut up as well,” Beverly snapped, reaching over and punching his arm. It wasn’t meant to be hard, but it still sent Eddie stumbling, his sense of balance having been thrown off for weeks. 

“Shit,” Beverly cursed, looking worried. “Sorry Eddie, I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.” 

“You didn’t,” He reassured her, because her eyes were wide and filling up with tears. “It wasn’t that hard, I’m just out of it.” 

“Are you feeling okay?” Richie said, uncharacteristically concerned, his hands hovering over Eddie’s shoulders. “Is your head still bugging you? Have you eaten? Should we go home?” 

“Stop mother henning me,” Eddie bristles, shaking off his hands. 

“Yeah Richie,” Beverly said, her voice low and taunting. “Stop mother henning him.” 

“Both of you shut up,” Richie glared, pouting dramatically. “You're going to make me cry.”

“You are lucky you're cute,” Eddie said, reaching out to lightly smack Richie’s shoulder before he kept moving, his face heating up fast. 

___________________________________________________

Eddie stood at his first track meetings actively regretting every action he had ever done. Why had he talked himself into this? Everyone was looking at him, whispering how the Kaspbrac kid was on the track team when a couple of months ago he could barely go outside without gasping for breath. 

But he only lifted his head, not meeting any of their eyes and shifting in his tiny shorts and tee shirt. He had been nervous all day, too nervous to even eat before he came. He snuck out his back window, knowing that if his mom saw him leave she would pitch a fit. 

But he was here, and for the first time in weeks his stomach settled and his head was clear. He felt fine, despite the gnawing anxiety in the pit of his stomach. 

“Seems like we have a new member to our team,” The coach says, looking down skeptically at Eddie. He wasn’t saying it meanly, it was simply an observation. Eddie was an outsider, the weird kid with a million fabricated illnesses. He thought you could get salmonella from touching chickens. That kid would have never joined a track team. 

But well, Edie was here to break away from that kid. So he raised his head and looked the coach dead in the eyes.

“Yes sir,” He said respectfully. 

“Well, son,” The coach said, shaking his head. “How fast can you run?” 

“It’s Eddie Kaspbrak!” A voice leered from the back. Eddie didn’t turn to see who it was. “He can’t run without holding his mommies’ hand!” 

Laughter broke out behind him, and Eddie restrained himself from breaking out into tears right then and there. This was a bad idea, he shouldn’t be here, they didn’t want him. 

“I’m not sure,” Eddie said quietly, not breaking eye contact with the coach, whose expression softened. 

“Well then,” He sighed, pulling out a stopwatch. “Let’s figure it out.”

He watched towards the track, and Eddie bit back fear as he walked to the start line. He felt the terror rushing through his veins, everyone behind him laughing and giggling at him. 

He wanted to prove them wrong. Show them that he could be like them, that he wasn’t some mama’s boy with medical issues. 

“On your mark,” The coach said. 

Eddie lined up, getting into a ready position and taking a deep breath. 

“Get set,” The coach said, nodding once at Eddie. “Go!” 

Eddie took off, his feet pumping under him as he raced down the track, quickly turning around the bend and continuing going. The wind was rushing by him and his lungs burned with the effort. But he didn’t stop moving, he continued running as if his life depended on it, as if he was chasing his own freedom. 

It was freeing, racing down the track, his arms and legs pumping, his heart racing, his breath coming out in gasps. 

By the time he made it back to the finish line, the coach was grinning at him, and everyone else was silent, staring at him in shock. 

“Well,” The coach said, letting out a surprised laugh. “Welcome to the team Eddie!”

__________________________

“My boy Eddie is the fastest person in all of Maine!” Richie cried; arm slung across Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie tried to hide his grin, shaking his head at Richie’s antics. 

Bev and Ben trailed behind them, laughing at Richie’s enthusiasm. Bev’s arm was slung around Ben’s waist, the other boy blushing like crazy. Eddie knew his own cheeks were red too, for some odd reason. 

“I’m not that good,” Eddie protested. 

“You were only two seconds behind the team’s best runner on your first try without any formal training,” Bev pipped up. “And now a month in and you're practically tied with the dude that’s been doing this his entire life. That’s pretty damn good.” 

“That is amazing Eddie,” Ben said, and Eddie glowed with pride. 

“My little boy’s all grown up,” Richie said, sniffing and hugging Eddie closer, hand reaching up to ruffle his hair. 

“Hey!” Eddie protested, smacking his hand away before grinning at them all. 

“I am pretty awesome huh?” He said with a wink, causing Richie to whoop and Bev and Ben to fall into laughter. 

“My little wheezer’s a full-fledged runner now,” Richie sighed, letting go of him. Eddie mourned the loss of warmth, the familiar feeling of Richie’s arm gone. “I’m just so happy!” 

Richie ran forwards, jumping into the air to click his heels together and Eddie grinned, basking in the attention and laughter surrounding him. 

“We should get everyone together tomorrow,” Ben proposed. 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Bev said, and Ben turned even redder. “We can go to a movie and then down to that new diner.” 

“I’ve heard they have bomb milkshakes,” Richie said, turning to face them. “I’m so down, but only if I get to share one with Eddie.”

“I don’t want your germs,” Eddie scoffed. 

“Awe come on Eds,” Richie complained. “It’ll be romantic! We can get two straws and stare into reach others eyes. I mean, I would much rather do it with your mom, but you look close enough to her that if I squint reaaaaly hard-“ 

“Beep Beep,” Eddie deadpanned, rolling his eyes, but the corner of his mouth twitched up. It sounded kind of nice, if he was being totally honest. Sharing a milkshake with Richie, just the two of them tucked away in the corner, away from and prying eyes. 

“We could go down to the barrens after too,” Ben said, snapping Eddie out of his thoughts. “I found an awesome new CD that I think you guys will love.” 

“New kids on the block?” Richie said jokingly. “I think I’ve heard enough of them thanks.” 

“Not New Kids,” Ben said, rolling his eyes. “When are you going to let that go?” 

“Never,” Richie said with a sigh. “You were always the sanest of us all Haystack.” 

“That is blatant Mike erasure and I will not stand for it,” Bev deadpanned, pinching Ben’s cheeks when he made a noise of protest. 

“Do you remember that one time when we went to explore that creepy abandoned house and Richie brought a bat thinking he was so smart,” Eddie said, turning to look at Richie. “And then Mike showed up with a full-on handgun? I can’t tell who is the sane person in that situation.” 

“Maybe we’re all just unhinged,” Bev mused. 

“That’s what makes us friends mi ‘lady,” Richie said, running up to her and swinging an arm around her shoulder. An irrational part of Eddie wanted to be her. “The craziness.” 

“It’s also why no one else talks to us,” Bev said slinging her arm around Richie’s waist as well. Eddie felt oddly left out with the three of them clinging to each other. 

“People talk to me,” Richie defended. “All the time, I got babes everywhere just begging to get a piece of this bod.” 

“Keep dreaming Trashmouth,” Ben said, and Richie squawked in offence, but everyone was laughing and Eddie was happy. 

They were at his house now. 

“Guess this is when I go,” Eddie said, more to himself than the others. This was his fifth week of going to track practice, and he knew his mom suspected something. He didn’t want to go home; he didn’t want to leave this little happy bubble of his friends. He was happy out here, but in there it was like a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off. 

He flinched slightly when Richie placed a hand on his shoulder, surprised at the touch shaking him out of his thoughts. 

“Do you want to stay at my house tonight?” Richie said quietly, because Richie knew how hard it was to go home at night, because Richie was the one who watched Eddie break down after every fight and passive-aggressive interaction with his mother. 

Eddie wanted nothing more than to say yes, to go and hide in Richie’s house, where Richie’s mom would greet him with a smile and some homemade food that didn’t taste like crap. Where he could lie on Richie’s bed and joke around instead of sitting on his own bed in the suffocating silence. He wanted to go hide in Richie’s arms, where he felt safe, where his skin wouldn’t crawl and he wouldn’t feel like puking. 

“I’ll be fine,” He said instead, because he knew that was nothing but a dream. “See you guys later.” 

He leaves without a backwards glance, because he knew if he looked back at them he wouldn’t go inside. He would run back with them and go to one of their houses where he would feel safe and warm and loved. Everything he didn’t feel here. 

He walked through the door and quietly shut it behind him, hoping that maybe his mom wouldn’t hear him, that maybe he could just go upstairs and hope for the best. 

“Eddie-bear?” Her voice calls out to him. “Is that you darling?” 

“Yes Mommy,” He calls back, eyes squeezed shut and hoping that she wouldn’t notice. He was still wearing his track uniform, shorts unnecessarily short and his workout shirt, his track team jacket wrapped around his waist. 

His coach paid for it himself, knowing that Eddie’s mom didn’t know about his involvement, and even if she did she wouldn’t fork up forty dollars to pay for it. So his coach gave it to him two weeks ago, a knowing smile on his face. Eddie wasn’t ashamed to admit he cried. 

“You missed dinner,” She pointed out, her voice soft. She was sitting on her recliner, pointed away from him. If he tried hard enough he could walk upstairs without her seeing him, as long as she didn’t ask for him to go to her. 

“Sorry Mommy,” He said robotically. “I’m not hungry.” 

“I spent hours slaving over the stove Eddie,” She said, her voice low. “The least you can do is eat it.” 

“It’s late Ma,” He said gently. “I’m not hungry.” 

It was late, the sun having set almost an hour ago, his practices on Friday’s always running late. 

“Where have you been Eddie?” His mom said, and he can hear the anger in her voice. “Every Wednesday and Friday you disappear until late, coming home and sneaking off to your room without talking to me. Don’t think I don’t know you sneak in and out of your window, I know more than you think.” 

“It’s nothing Ma,” He said carefully, although his shoulders were tensed as if he was expecting something bad to happen. 

“Come over here Eddie. I want to look at you.” 

“This really isn’t necessary Mommy-“

“Get over here!” She practically screamed, and Eddie’s words got caught in his throat as he slowly crawled towards her. How stupid of him to go through the front door this time, thinking it was too late for her to be up and waiting for him. 

He walked over to her recliner, standing in front of her in his full track glory. 

“Do not lie to me Eddie,” She said, all gentle words once again. “Where have you been?” 

“Out with friends,” He said carefully. It wasn’t a lie; he was with his friends for a little bit. And even though no one on the team really talked to him, he could consider them friends on rare occasions. 

“Now I said not to lie to me,” She said, voice hard. “Where were you?” 

“Out with friends,” He repeated, looking up into her eyes. 

“You are always out with your friends,” She hissed. “I sit here at home, working to provide for you, making you food, cleaning your house, keeping you healthy, and you are never here! You leave without a word, disrespect me, lie to my face. Why? Why do you do this to me Eddie-bear? I love you, so why don’t you love me back?” 

She was crying now, tears running down her cheeks and he was panicking. He didn’t want her to cry, he didn’t want to hurt her like this. 

“Please stop crying,” He said, darting forwards to kneel in front of her, hands reaching out to brush away the liquid streaming from her eyes. “Please stop, I’m sorry, I’ll do better. I’ll be better, just please stop crying.” 

His mom stopped her whining, staring at him with wide eyes that rolled up and down his body, hardening so quickly it gave Eddie whiplash. 

“What are you wearing?” She asked, hands reaching out and grabbing the jacket before Eddie could pull away. 

“Let go of me,” He cried as she yanked him closer, her grubby hands not loosening their hold. 

“Is this a track jacket?” She asked, her voice raising. “Why do you have this? Why are you wearing this?” 

“I’m on the track team,” He blurted out before he could stop himself. 

The room went completely silent for a long moment. 

“You’re on the what?” 

“Track team,” He whispered. 

“No, no you can’t do that Eddie,” She said, dragging him up and practically into her lap. It was too close; she was too close to him. “Your fragile! You’ll break out there! What if you fall and break your arm? What if you have an asthma attack and can’t breathe? What happens if your bones start to splinter from the stress? There’s too much risk, you can’t be doing that! Why are you doing this to me!” 

“I enjoy it mom,” He said carefully, despite the panic in his throat. “I’m not going to stop.”

“You have to,” She demanded. “I won’t let you.” 

“That’s not your decision to make,” He said evenly. 

“Yes, it is!” She screamed, and he flinched back at the noise. “I am your mother! I make these decisions!” 

Eddie didn’t say anything, prying at his mom’s fingers in a futile attempt to make her let go, to stop holding onto him so tightly and to stop screaming in his face. He could feel the panic bubbling up inside him. 

“Do you understand me?” She hissed, spit flying into his face and he tried not to gag. 

“Please let go of me mommy,” He begged, and it was like a switch flipped in her. She let go of his jacket and he scrambled back, eager to get any space between them. 

They sat there for a long moment, neither daring to move and upset the fragile balance between them. 

“Let’s eat dinner darling,” His mom said, plastering a smile on her face. “I made a nice dinner, let’s go eat it.” 

He was too terrified of what she’d do if he said no. 

They sat in silence, his mom splatting lasagna onto his plate with a wet thunk. He felt sick to his stomach. 

Tears pricked the back of his eyes lids and he just wanted to crawl out of his window and go to Richie’s house, to forget everything that happened and lie in his best friends’ arms. 

“Eat up Eddie,” His mother said, staring at her with narrowed eyes. 

He shoved the food into his mouth, knowing that if he ate it fast enough his mom would let him leave. 

The pasta tasted horrible like always, the noodles undercooked and stuck to the top of his mouth, the sauce flavorless and making him gag. He ate it as quickly as he could, downing the water before standing up and booking it out of the room. 

As soon as he was in his room he collapsed onto the bed, taking deep breaths and trying to calm himself down. 

He couldn’t wait until he was out of this place. 

_______________________________________

He woke up at three AM and he knew something was wrong. 

It was not immediately clear what was wrong, but it was that gut feeling that guided most of his life, that gut feeling that told him that something terrible was going to happen. 

Or maybe it was his stomach telling him he needed to throw up. 

He was up in seconds, stumbling over his feet as he raced into the bathroom, falling onto his knees and emptying his stomach into the toilet. 

He gagged, tears streaming down his face as he gasped for breath. His mom’s door opened, and she was running into the room, kneeling beside him and cooing about something. The words didn’t comprehend in his mind. 

He had never felt this sick, not even when he was little. His stomach was still rolling, his mouth and throat stinging from the acidic bile that was still swirling inside his stomach. His head was pounding, the florescent lights of the bathroom glaring into him like a thousand tiny daggers in his eyes. His vision was obscured with tears, spinning even as he sat still. 

“You’re okay Eddie-Bear,” His mom whispered, the words breaking through the haze. He couldn’t feel the ground under him. “Mommy’s got you, no one’s going to hurt you.” 

His eyes slipped closed, and he let himself relax into her hands, losing the battle to consciousness. 

________________________________

When he next awoke, it was to the sound of a window creaking open. 

Eddie blinked his eyes, the light stinging his eyelids as he tried to adjust to it. Everything was fuzzy, the shapes moving in front of his eyes without him registering them. 

His head was spinning, despite him lying down, and if he had any energy he would kick off his blankets, the heat suffocating. 

“Eddie?” Someone called out to him, and he flinched away from the noise that pierced painfully into his skull. He curled deeper into the blankets, the weight welcome despite the heat. “Eds? You there?” 

He made a small noise of acknowledgment, trying to think of who was calling him. He couldn’t remember for some reason, his mind a melting pot of thoughts and ideas. But it felt safe. He was safe. 

A hand rested on his shoulder, and he leaned into it without thought it was a good hand, a hand he knew wouldn’t hurt him. 

“Shit,” The voice muttered. “You really are sick.”

No shit, Eddie thought to himself, but when he opened his mouth to repeat those words to his visitor, all that came out was a moan, his tongue too big in his mouth, restricting his ability to form words. 

“I’ll be right back, Bev will know what to do,” The voice said, and then footsteps were traveling away from him, and Eddie wanted to cry out, to beg the person not to leave. 

A sense of panic filled him and he fought against the blankets, thrashing and fighting to sit up, to follow whoever it was. They made him feel safe, and now that they were gone all Eddie felt was fear. 

“Hey!” The voice was back, practically running towards him, hands gently grabbing at Eddie’s arms. They were warm, too warm, and he thrashed weakly but it was no use, the hands were stronger than him. “Hey, Eds, it’s okay, I got you.” 

Eddie let himself relax, eyes slipping closed again, the visitor wouldn’t hurt him, the visitor was keeping him safe. He wished he could remember his name, but all that was coming was half-formed memories, feelings. 

Eddie felt safe, he felt happy, he felt loved, he felt love. He had a memory of a hand reaching out to hold his as they jumped from the Quarry, he had a memory of a sill voice making him roar with laughter. None of this helped him remember his name. 

“Richie?” A higher voice said, and that was it. 

He latched onto the name as it echoed around his mind, filling up the holes and patching the cracks. It was Richie. Of course it was Richie. That made sense, nothing else did, but at least he knew it was Richie. And the other voice was Bev, she was good too. 

“I think somethings wrong,” Richie said, his voice low and concerned and Eddie wanted it to stop being like that. He missed the lightheartedness, the happiness, the carefree side. He didn’t like this concern, this fear. 

“Oh Eddie,” Bev scolded him, her hand running through his curls. He nuzzled into it, the touch warm and loving and he never wanted it to stop. It made the pain go away. Richie’s did too, but Richie wasn’t holding him right now, and Eddie didn’t like that. 

He opened his mouth, forcing through the fog of his brain to attempt to get the correct words to come out of his mouth. 

“Chee,” He finally was able to say, his lips dry and throat sore. He raised his hand pathetically and Richie quickly got the idea, their fingers entwining and Eddie let out a sigh. This felt right, and it helped distract him from the pounding pain in every single part of his body. 

“You’re going to be okay Eds,” Richie whispered, and Eddie felt Richie’s lips press against his forehead, somehow cold against the heat of his skin. “You're going to be alright.” 

Eddie let himself smile as he drifted back into oblivion. 

________________________________________

“Good morning Eddie-bear,” His mom called out to him, and he woke up from his sleep, blinking and groaning. It seemed like everything hurt, but it was dulled, nothing like the fever of pain he distantly remembered. Everything was blurry, he kind of remembered someone being there with him, lips pressed against his forehead, a hand holding his, but it was probably just a dream. 

“Mommy?” He muttered, pushing himself up to a sitting position, watching as the world tumbled around him. 

“Yes dear,” His mom said patiently, placing a bowl of soup in front of him. His stomach rolled at the thought. “Eat up, it’ll make you feel better.” 

“What’s wrong with me?” He asked, picking up the spoon but making no attempt to lift any food towards his lips. 

“Your sick,” She said softly. “Just like I always told you, I knew this would happen when you stopped taking your medication. I was so worried about you darling.” 

“Sorry,” He muttered, not feeling very sorry at all. “What day is it?” 

“Wednesday,” His mom informed him. “I need to go to work darling, but I’ll be back at the end of the day to make you dinner. Don’t forget to eat this soup, it will help.” 

She kissed his forehead, patting his cheek before she walked off, the door closing behind her with a click. 

Wednesday. Last thing he properly remembered was Friday. He lost almost five days to whatever the hell was going on with him. 

He pushed the soup aside, not feeling well enough to eat it. If he did he would probably puke again. He threw his feet over his bed, pressing them against the ground and standing up on shaky legs. Walking over to his closet he pulled out his favorite oversized sweater and pajama pants. His current clothes were soaked with sweat, and the feel of it made him gag.

He walked to the shower, running the water hot and letting it wash away all the sweat and grease he gained by lying in bed for five days. 

He felt slightly better after the shower, pulling on his new clothes and wandering to his bedroom. The soup sat cold on his bedside table, and he felt slightly guilty about not eating it, so he dumped it down the kitchen sink and rinsed it out, placing it in the dishwasher. His appetite really wasn’t there, not with the taste of bile still sitting at the back of his throat no matter how many times he brushed his teeth. 

He wound up back at his bedroom, putting on his favorite record and sitting on his bed, head resting against the wall. He felt a lot better, the pounding in his head lessoning more as time went on. The ache in his stomach was starting to lessen too. 

He let his eyes flutter shut, still exhausted despite presumably spending the last few days asleep. 

He was barely able to rest before his window was scratching open, scaring the living shit out of Eddie. 

“Jesus fuck,” He cursed as Richie climbed through blinking at him with wide eyes. “You scared the shit out of me Richie.”

“Your okay,” Richie blurted out, standing at the window frame with one leg in and one leg out looking like an idiot. 

“Of course I am,” Eddie said, barely having time to get the words out before Richie was racing over and practically tackling him into a hug. “Jesus,” Eddie swore, wrapping his arms around Richie awkwardly. 

“You scared the shit out of me,” Richie scolded, head tucked into Eddie’s neck, his back hunched over due to the height difference. Eddie squeezed back tightly, knowing that Richie needed this moment. 

“I didn’t know you came to visit me when I wasn’t feeling good,” He said lowly. 

“Bev and I came to get you to go to a movie with the Losers like he talked,” Richie muttered. “But you were really sick, so we stayed with you until your mom was home.”

“You didn’t need to do that,” Eddie said, and Richie pulled back, eyes boring into Eddie’s. 

“Of course we fucking needed to,” Richie scolded. “You were _sick_ Eds, like full-blown fever, deletional, might legit die sick.” 

“I wasn’t sick,” He protested, although he knew he was. But deep down he still didn’t want to admit to it, admit that maybe his mom was right, maybe he did need the pills. His eyes fluttered across Richie’s shoulders to rest on the pill bottles still sitting untouched. 

“I thought you were going to die Eddie,” Richie said, hands tightening on Eddie’s shoulders. “I know your moms batshit insane, but you were really sick this time. I don’t know why she didn’t take you to the hospital, she’s taken you for way less. And she _left_ you here, all alone almost every single day while she went to work. And why did your mom ever not jump on the opportunity to miss work? Something’s wrong Eddie.” 

Eddie’s eyes wandered to the cold soup still sitting on his desk. An idea was forming in his head, a horrible idea, one that he didn’t even want to consider, but he couldn’t help it. Once it came, it stuck in his mind like chewing gum on the bottom of a desk. 

He took a deep breath, shaking his head and refocusing on his best friend. 

“I’m fine now,” He reassured him. “I barely feel sick anymore. Just a fluke. What have I missed?” 

He could tell Richie didn’t want to move on, but both of them were uncomfortable with sharing things like this, in dealing with emotions. They shower their emotions but never talked about it, they could be emotional and vulnerable with each other, but neither of them learned how to acknowledge those moments. So despite Richie wanting to talk more of it, neither of them knew how. 

So instead they sit on Eddie’s bed and talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens...


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not the biggest fan of this chapter? But at the same time, I am. EIther way, I hope you enjoy! This chapter was a lot of fun to write especially since it sets up a lot of parallels for later in the story which makes me satisfied lmao.
> 
> Content warning for domestic abuse and mention of seizures. Stay safe everyone!

“Our next test will be next week,” The professor said, writing the date on the board. Eddie absent-mindedly scribbled it down on his paper. Hopefully he remembered to note it in his calendar. “It is an important one, so please make sure you study all the material in preparation. I will be available after class to discuss the material and you all know how to contact me online.” 

The teacher continued as the students started packing up, all of them having heard this same spiel for years. More than halfway through their coursework they knew how important tests were. With their final board exams coming up in a couple of months, none of them had any interest in not preparing for a test. 

The teacher dismissed them, and Eddie shoved all his books into his bag before standing up. He always waited for most of the other students to leave before he did, less hustle and bustle getting out. 

Eddie concealed the wince as he turned out of the aisle, the bruise on his hip pulling every time he moved. Myka had shoved him into the counter a couple of nights ago, it still wasn’t healed. 

“Eddie!” Professor Holt called out. “Can I see you for a moment?” 

Eddie turned and smiled brightly at the man, hoping it was enough to pass as real. He didn’t have anything against the man, but they were never close. Just a teacher and a student. Eddie never had any problems in his class, so it was rare they interacted after class time. 

“Is something wrong sir?” Eddie asked politely as he walked closer, stopping just in front of the pedestal the man stood behind. 

“Of course not my boy,” The man said warmly. Eddie never noticed how grey his hair looked up close. “I just noticed a few things over the past couple of months and wanted to check as see how you were doing.” 

“I’m fine sir,” Eddie reassured, his heart rate spiking somewhat. He fiddled with the straps to his bookbag, idly wondering if he could conspicuously reach for his anxiety pills. “No need to worry about me.” 

“You haven’t participated in discussion in ages,” The man noted. “And the last paper you handed in was lower than your normal quality.” 

Eddie’s heart rate spiked again. Was he slipping in his grades? He hadn’t checked his marks in forever. Not since his last test. 

“If this has to do with my grades I assure you I’ll do everything I can to pick them up,” Eddie rambled, hands twisting in the straps.

“Now now,” The teacher scolded, cutting him off. “I said less than optimal, but not anywhere close to bad.” 

The man leaned against the wood in front of his and sighed, his eyes inspecting Eddie closely. He squirmed under the scrutiny and wondered how to best excuse himself. 

“We are all aware of your previous health issues,” Professor Holt said, not without sympathy. Eddie flinched back slightly. He hated when teachers brought up his failing memory, as if it impacted his learning in any way. Sometimes he had lapses in memories, he wouldn’t deny that, but it never affected his work. It was more personal things that slipped from under him. 

“My health issues have no impact on my work,” Eddie said, his voice shaking slightly. He wasn’t sure what was going on, and the more time ticked the more nervous Eddie got. He needed to be home in time or else Myka would get mad. Eddie really hated when Myka got mad. 

“I know,” Professor Holt held up a hand, not impatient but with the general air of a man who just wanted to get to the point. Eddie just shut his mouth and let him talk. “What I was going to say was that despite these issues you are one of the most brilliant students I’ve ever had. Of course that’s not unusual, trauma to the brain can sometimes cause an increase of intelligence, or maybe you’re just simply talented. But talented people are stupid.” 

“Thanks, I think,” Eddie said dryly. 

“It’s a compliment!” The man laughed. “I’m brilliant, and yet I am so stupid that sometimes it’s painful. I forgot to put on socks today.” The man lifted his pant leg, and sure enough he wasn’t wearing socks. 

“Socks are overrated anyways,” Eddie joked quietly, and Professor Holt laughed along. 

“People like us can simultaneously be too smart for our own good and too stupid too. And I know when someone’s being stupid,” All humor dropped from the man’s voice. “You are smart Eddie, but sometimes being smart isn’t enough. Be sensible too. Be selfish.” 

“I’m not following sir,” Eddie admitted. 

“Whatever is making you so goddamn miserable, get rid of it,” The man gently tapped the podium for emphasis. “Before it ruins you.” 

Eddie wasn’t sure what to say. How do you respond to something like that? 

Eddie knew exactly what the man was trying to get at. He was fully aware of what was happening to him, and he wasn’t proud of it but he wasn’t sure what else to do. It had been two months and almost once every two weeks he would end up with a new bruise somewhere on his body. 

“Just think about it,” Professor Holt said. “Now go get some studying done.” 

Eddie only nodded, turning and leaving without a word, hurrying to get home as fast as he could. He was almost ten minutes behind schedule.

Luckily, his apartment building had many shortcuts to get there. Eddie hated taking them, since most of them involved dirty back alleys behind buildings, but it cut off close to five minutes of travel, so it worked when necessary. 

He curled around the back of his apartment building, walking as fast as he could. If he made it up to their room within two minutes he could pull off the excuse that the people in front of him were really slow, or that a classmate stopped to ask about homework. Myka was strict on what times he came home. Especially since Eddie forgot to tell him he was going out with Adrian one day. 

Eddie glanced down at his phone clock again right as he turned the corner, not looking up until he felt someone collide with him, sending him stumbling backwards. 

“Woah there!” Richie said, stumbling himself. 

“Shit!” Eddie cursed. “Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” 

“You’re going to be the death of me Eds,” Richie teased, fixing the glasses on his face. They were knocked askew when they collided. 

“What a shame,” Eddie said sarcastically, moving to get going again. “Sorry about that,” He muttered as he started to leave. 

“Hey!” Richie called out, grabbing Eddie’s arm to stop him. He barely restrained a flinch. “Wait a tick! Wait a tick! I haven’t seen you in forever, what’s the hurry?” 

Eddie floundered for a second, the feeling of Richie’s hand on his arm distracting him. It wasn’t an unwelcomed touch, but well it was one Eddie hadn’t had recently. With school coming to the end of the semester and Myka wanting to spend more and more time together, socializing was getting harder and harder. It was just too much effort sometimes. 

“I have a lot of homework,” He was finally able to say, forcing him to shake out of Richie’s grip. As soon as he did it he regretted it, Richie’s touch was probably one of the only touches that didn’t make him cringe these days. 

“Homework is for lame people,” Richie groaned. “Come over! It’s been forever since we hung out, just the two of us.” 

Richie was grinning, looking so relaxed and at home in his skin and stupid Hawaiian shirt and to large glasses. The idiot needed to invest in contacts. Eddie almost went with him back to his apartment. It would be so easy to collapse onto Richie’s couch and watch some stupid reality tv show and fool around like they used to before simply talking to someone made Eddie feel like he was carrying the world on his shoulders. 

“I have a lot of work to do,” Eddie repeated, looking away because he couldn’t stand the way Richie’s face fell. “We’ll call a rain check. I’ll see you later.” 

He turned and walked away before Richie could say anything else. He was officially over five minutes late, and he knew the second he walked in Myka would interrogate him on his every move since he left school. Eddie started debating the best ways the handle it, forcing himself to push Richie far from his mind. 

_________________________________

Eddie browsed through the library, fingers running over the different book covers. He should be reading up or his most recent paper, but he had all the sources he knew he needed, and reading more about trauma to the brain would send him insane. 

He found himself in the fiction section of the library, not really interested in picking anything up but enjoying the different titles under his fingers. He was never a big book person, that was more Bill and Stan’s thing, but he was sometimes entertained by a good read. 

The only advantage to forgetting your entire childhood was that you got to experience everything again. In some way it was like being a kid, but those moments were so rare that Eddie cherished them whenever they reared their head. 

His time spent with his mom was mostly spent learning how to exist again, to function. There wasn’t much time to read for enjoyment, it was more children’s books to help him process and understand words again. And when his mom died he was thrust into a world where there was no time for reading. It was work and study or else start to flounder. Myka hated mainstream things, or really any type of reading or movies in general.

But with his friends, Eddie got to be a kid again. Bill, Mike and him would talk about their favorite books, Bev and Ben would take him out to the movies, and Richie always made a point of forcing him into terrible tv shows, movies, and music. With all of them he felt like he was able to enjoy the simple things again. 

In his pocket, his phone buzzed, snapping him out of his thoughts. He pulled it out, reading the text messages flashing by. It was the Loser’s group chat. They were trying to organize some sort of dinner party that Friday. 

Eddie wanted to go. The idea of sitting in Stan and Patty’s apartment and talking and laughing like they used to sounded like heaven. But the thought of explaining why he had been so distant lately, why talking for longer than five minutes was almost painful, it sounded exhausting. 

Eddie walked over to one of the chairs by the window, collapsing into the cushion. Everything was tiring lately. He went to class and ended up zoned out half the time. He came home and tried to study but his attention was thrown every which way. He went out for walks and got so lost in the sensations that sometimes he walked for hours without even realizing it. Every time he moved took all of his energy. 

The more tired he was the more he zoned out, gazing into the distance and letting his mind slip into nothingness, seconds becoming minutes as his skin numbed. He could barely keep up his chores, unable to do basic tasks some days because every time he tried to focus it was like trying to shove a thread through a needle except there was no hole and the string kept falling out of your hand. 

A wave-like feeling swept through him, making him blink and squint as he rubbed at his forehead. 

**Bev:** _What about you Eddie! Think you can make it?_

He stared at the message for a solid minute, toying with different answers. A part of him wanted to just say yes, to launch himself into it and hope that he could grasp onto himself for long enough to enjoy the night. His mouth tasted like bile.

**Eddie:** _Sorry guys, I had plans to go out for dinner with Adrian that night. Maybe another time! Hope you have fun without me anyways_

He put his phone down, tucking it into his bag and sighing. He had no plans that night, but he knew that Myka wouldn’t let him out anyways. The man always got so jealous when Eddie wanted to hang out with his friends. He still had it in his mind that Eddie was one hour of quality time away from cheating on him. 

Butterflies starting tossing and turning in his stomach, and his hand spasmed against his will. He reached into his bag and pulled out his pill bottle, swallowing two before standing up and walking towards the entrance. 

He curled his hand into a fist when it didn’t stop spasming, his fingers shaking and jerking against his will. He took a deep breath, walking faster towards his apartment. He hadn’t had one of these in a couple of months, and he really wasn’t in the mood to have one now. His stomach was tossing and turning, and Eddie could feel bile start to crawl up his throat. He wasn’t expecting this, and it was happening so fast that he could barely process it.

He took calming breaths, reaching into his bag and pulling out his phone, dialing Myka’s number and raising it to his ear. 

“Hello?” Myka grumbled over the line. “Eddie? I was napping.” 

“Sorry,” Eddie said automatically, his teeth clenched together. He felt like if he unclenched them his stomach would revolt. His hands clenched and locked his phone in its grasp. “Can you come pick me up?” 

“Aren’t you at the library? It’s like a five-minute walk.” 

“I think I’m having a focal seizure,” Eddie admitted, leaning against the building behind him. His legs were beginning to shake too. 

“You haven’t had one of those in months,” Myka said, but Eddie could hear him moving either way. 

“I think it was triggered due to stress,” Eddie said, clench and unclenching his fingers best he could. The movement barely happened, the control he normally had failing him. Tears pricked the back of his eyes. 

“I’ll be there in a couple of minutes,” Myka said, and Eddie heard the door closed. “Since you apparently need someone to rescue you.” 

Annoyance surged up faster than Eddie normally let it, anger quick to follow. 

“Sorry that my health is such an inconvenience,” Eddie hissed through grit teeth. “It’s not like I wanted this to happen.” 

“Well maybe if you didn’t stress yourself out so much you wouldn’t be having this,” Myka shot back. “I won’t always be around to save you from yourself Eddie. You need to learn how to stop this shit. You were doing so well.” 

Before Eddie could respond his fingers cramped up again, jerking despite themselves and his phone fell from his grip, clattering against the ground. 

“Shit!” Eddie cursed, leaning down on shaky legs. His fingers were stiff, but he managed to pick his phone up again, seeing that Myka had hung up. Eddie tried not to feel bad around it. A car pulled up in front of him. 

“Need a ride handsome?” Myka said, and Eddie had never felt happier to see his boyfriend. 

_______________________________

Eddie’s head hurt, but he pretending like it wasn’t. It had been a day since his seizure, and he skipped school that morning, feeling too crappy to go in. 

As soon as he was at home the seizure got worse, and Eddie hated to think about it, but it wasn’t uncommon. Focal seizures often get worse, and they always do with him. Luckily they happened rarely enough that it wasn’t that big of an issue, but this one was probably the worst one he had since the first few years, and he wouldn’t be lying if it didn’t freak him out. 

He didn’t really remember what happened shortly after he got home, and he was too embarrassed to ask Myka. The man barely talked to him the entire night, leaving Eddie to wonder exactly what happened. Sometimes when his seizures got worse he would be aggressive, especially if people were aggressive towards him, and knowing Myka, anything could have happened. 

Eddie shook the thought from his mind, turning back to the fridge. It was getting late, the day passing in a blur, Eddie mostly sleeping as he tried to starve off the bone-deep weariness that had been following him around. His head felt stuffed with cotton, but he felt slightly more human than he had that morning. 

Myka and him ate a small dinner at six. But it was almost nine now and Myka hinted that he was hungry, and Eddie loved a good distraction. He was currently attempting embroidery, but if he stabbed his finger one more time he would scream, so cooking seemed good. 

“Should I make cookies?” Eddie mushed to Myka, who didn’t reply. Eddie didn’t care, he was mostly speaking to himself anyways. 

He pulled out the ingredients anyways, setting to mix them, humming a soft tune as he did. He liked doing these easy tasks, they required next to no thought, which was always a plus when he just wanted to kick back and relax. 

“What are you making?” Myka asked, leaning against the doorway. 

“Cookies,” Eddie told him, smiling back at his boyfriend as he poured the sugar into the bowl. “I knew you liked them.” 

“They look delicious,” Myka said, walking over and leaning down to kiss Eddie’s cheek. “Do you want to watch a movie tonight? I’ll even let you pick?” 

“I would love to,” Eddie said, grinning up at the man. It was rare they had movie nights, and when they did it was normally something Myka wanted to watch, which meant Eddie had to sit through some boring cop movie or some lame action movie. He wonders if they could find the Dead Poet’s Society, he had been meaning to rewatch that. 

“Perfect, I’m just going to get some work done real quick, but by the time the foods done I should be finished.” 

Eddie nodded, stealing a quick kiss before the man left to do some work. Eddie finished mixing and placed them on the pan, throwing it into the oven and pulling out his phone, absentmindedly scrolling through the mail. 

The ringing startled him, snapping him out of his trance, and he quickly answered without looking who it was. He was sure it was one of his friends, it was almost 10 pm after all. 

“Eddie!” Adrian cheered from the other side of the phone. “Darling! How are you?” 

“I’m good,” Eddie says, a faint smile pulling at his lips. He hadn’t really talked to Adrian that much lately, but that was the same story with most of his friends, so he didn’t feel that broken up about it. He felt shitty about avoiding them, but avoidance was easier than explaining. “What’s up?” 

“I missed you,” Adrian whined. “Don’s out with some of his lame friends and I decided to call you.” 

“You’re bored,” Eddie snorts, leaning against the counter. “You called me cause your bored.” 

“Well yeah!” Adrian says with a laugh. “Is it a crime to want to be entertained by my best-est friend in the entire world?” 

“You're pushing it.” 

“Entire universe?”

“Adrian!” 

“Okay, okay!” Adrian laughed. “What are you doing? We haven’t hung out in forever!”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Eddie walked out of the kitchen, smiling at Myka as he walked past him and up the stairs` to their bedroom for a bit of privacy. “I’ve been super busy lately and haven’t had the time to go out.” 

“Yeah I heard,” Adrian said casually. “The Loser’s miss you too you know.” 

Eddie’s blood ran cold.

“I know they do,” Eddie said evenly. “What are you talking about?” 

“Eddie, you don’t have to bullshit me,” Adrian sighed. “I’m not mad at you, and neither are they. I’m just worried. And I know there are like ten better ways to approach this but I called you and decided what the fuck you know? I lack tack. Please talk to me.” 

“Adrian,” Eddie sighed, sitting on the bed, curling his arms around himself. He didn’t even want to think about what everyone thought. Did they all know? Did they think he didn’t like them anymore? Were they mad?

“Somethings wrong with you Eddie,” Adrian said. “Do you, do you need help? A place to stay?” 

“I’m fine Adrian,” Eddie says, his eyes fluttering shut. His stomach twisted uncomfortably and he curled more into himself, tucking his head on top of his knees. “You didn’t call me cause you were bored did you?”

“Okay, not entirely,” Adrian sighed. “It was just an excuse, but I was bored! And I do miss you! And I am worried.” 

“You don’t have to be Adrian,” Eddie laughed, trying to take an entirely different route. “I’m just busy and stressed out from school, exams are coming up. That’s all.” 

“You skipped school today.” 

“How do you know that? Are you keeping tabs on me?” Eddie asked, blinking in surprise. Since Adrian and his classes no longer intersected they rarely saw each other at school unless they arranged a meeting for a coffee or study date. 

“I emailed some of the kids in your class,” Adrian admitted. “Not to keep tabs on you, but in case I ever wanted to surprise you in class or something like that.” 

“That’s weird.” 

“It is not, it is a perfectly normal thing for me to do and I know you’re trying to change the topic on me and I do not support that Eddie,” Adrian huffed. “You gotta talk to me. I miss my friend.” 

“I know,” Eddie sighed. “I miss you too. Maybe we can meet up soon? Get a coffee?” 

“I’d like that,” Adrian sighed, and Eddie got the impression that wasn’t what Adrian was looking for. “Thursday? That old coffee shop that you love? The one that makes your tea just the right way? With that stupid butterscotch syrup?”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, giggling slightly. He hasn’t been there in months. He forgot how much he loved that place. “I’d like that.” 

“Good,” Adrian sighed, and Eddie thought he heard relief coloring the tone. “That’s great Eddie I-“ 

“Eddie!” Myka yelled up at him, and Eddie inhaled sharply, his ears immediately processing the anger behind the tone. “Get down here!” 

“I have to go Adrian,” Eddie said, his voice surprisingly steady for the suddenly pounding in his chest. “Sorry, talk to you later. Bye.” 

He hung up quickly, scrambling off the bed and tucking his phone into his pocket as he walked downstairs. The urgency was crawling under his skin but every step felt impossibly hard, like led was attached to his shoes. 

Myka was standing in the kitchen, arms crossed and eyes flashing, a pan of burnt cookies still smoking on the counter. 

Shit. Eddie forgot about the cookies; he must have been talking to Adrian longer than he thought. The sharp smell of burning food stung his nose. 

“What the hell Eddie?” Myka snapped. “I gave you one job, make some cookies. It’s pretty damn simple isn’t it? Aren’t you supposed to be good at this sort of thing?” 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie managed to say. “I was on the phone and I lost track of time-“ 

Myka strode towards him, and Eddie lost the ability to talk through the fear of what his boyfriend might do to him. Myka’s hand gripped his shoulder and pushed him back against the counter, crowding up against him. 

“You burned my cookies cause you were on the phone.” Myka’s voice was calm, the tone low enough to make Eddie shiver. 

“It was Adrian,” He forced past numb lips. “I didn’t realize how long we were talking.” 

Myka’s hand snapped out faster than Eddie could react, hitting him square across the face. His head snapped to the side, tears springing to his eyes as his cheek started to ache. He could feel a scratch from one of Myka’s ringers bloom across the skin, a small drop of blood rolling down his skin. Eddie wanted to puke. 

“I do a lot for you Eddie,” Myka said softly. “I provide you with so much and I look after you because no one else would be willing to do this. No one else will be willing to deal with how much of a fuck up you are. I’m the only one who can stand you. No one else will put up with you.”

Eddie felt something inside him snap, the words triggering something deep inside him that made him want to scream and cry. 

“If you want to talk to Adrian so bad,” Myka sneered and Eddie fought to see any part of the man he loved in the lines of his face. “Get out of my house and crawl to see him.” 

“What?” Eddie blinked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

“Get out of my house,” Myka repeated, shoving Eddie back and causing him to harshly smack into the counter. The man stepped back, eyes never leaving Eddie’s for a moment. “Find somewhere else to stay for the night. Maybe in the morning you’ll be less of a fuck up.” 

Myka turned and walked away, hand lashing out and sending the pan full of burned cookies crashing to the ground with a bang so loud it made Eddie flinch. Then he was alone, shaking and cowering against the counter, his cheek stinging and tears barely staying in his eyes. He turned and walked out of the door as fast as he could, not even bothering to grab a coat before he was out the door. 

Maybe Myka was right. Maybe no one other than him would ever be able to put up with him. Eddie so far had done nothing but hurt and lie to the only friends he had, and it was only a matter of time before they realized how messed up he truly was and dropped him. Maybe Myka was truly the only person willing to put up with Eddie’s shit. Maybe that the reason why his mother was glad he lost his memory, because she didn’t want to deal with him anymore. 

He found his way down to the street, breathing in the fresh air, wondering what the hell to do now. 

He couldn’t go to Adrian, it was too much to explain, and the man would overreact and do something stupid. He couldn’t go to any of the Loser’s because he didn’t know how to explain why he was so distant. 

There was no one on the street, only a few cars driving by. It was pretty much the middle of the night anyways. Eddie stepped forwards, walking to the edge of the sidewalk before heavily sitting down on the curb. 

He put his head in his hands, and he let the tears flow. He felt hopeless, and wondered if he was going to have to spend the night on this dirty curb that was probably crawling with hundreds of bugs and diseases. He would have to wait here until he felt like it was time to go back upstairs and beg Myka to take him back, beg for the man’s forgiveness. 

“Eddie?” A voice called out, and Eddie jerked up, turning his head and blinking in surprise. 

“Richie?” He said, his voice scratchy and surprised. “What are you doing?” 

“Going for a late-night walk,” Richie said, stepping forwards almost hesitantly. “What are you doing?” 

“Sitting on a curb,” Eddie said lamely, turning back towards the street. Luckily it was dark enough that the other man probably couldn’t see the cut on his cheek or the tears running down it. 

“Oh,” Richie sighed before stepping forwards, carefully lowering himself to the ground beside Eddie. “This is tons of fun.” 

Eddie didn’t dignify him with an answer, instead continuing to stare out to the street. The lamp in front of them flickered. 

“I’m officially bored,” Richie said less than ten seconds later. 

“Surprising,” Eddie said, his tone harsher than it probably should be. 

Richie sighed, carefully scooting a bit closer and pressing his shoulders against Eddie’s. Eddie tried not to show how much he melted at the casual touch, it distracted him from the leftover feeling of Myka’s fingers digging into his skin. 

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Eddie’s mind was whirling, thoughts darting from Richie beside him to Myka up in their apartment. He tried to plan what he would do next, but he kept coming up with blanks. He wasn’t sure what to do now. 

“Come on,” Richie abruptly stood up, the lost warmth making Eddie shiver. He looked up at the other man, who extended a hand down towards him. “I have something to show you.” 

“That’s cryptid,” Eddie said, but he reached up to take Richie’s offered hand. His hands were shaking. Richie didn’t mention it. “Where are we going?” 

“It’s a surprise,” Richie said, his grin visible in the streetlight as he pulled Eddie down the street, their hands clasped together. 

“Richie,” Eddie scolded, looking back at their apartment. A part of him didn’t want to leave, but he knew he couldn’t just spend the night moping around on the street curb, waiting for his boyfriend to let him back in. “We shouldn’t be out this late. You’re going to get us arrested.” 

“We won’t get arrested, we’re white,” Richie scoffed. “Besides, it’s perfectly legal to go for a walk in the middle of the night. You’re just being a paranoid bastard.” 

“That’s the only job I have, don’t take that away from me.” 

Richie turned to him, grinning widely and squeezing Eddie’s hand tightly. Eddie squeezed it back, letting himself relax and Richie lead the way. 

They walked calmly down the streets, Richie cheerfully trying out new jokes on Eddie. He had finally landed a big job at the radio station, so he needed the practice and Eddie was grateful to just get lost in meaningless conversation. 

“I was planning on doing a story about the time I worked at a grocery store and sold everyone spoiled milk because I would have rathered poisoned the entire town instead of admitting that I ordered too much milk,” Richie was telling him, and Eddie smiled at the sheer ridiculousness at the statement. “My best friend drank some to prove to my boss that it wasn’t actually spoiled, he bitched about it for months after. I had to buy him so many comics as a thank you.”

“Your life is ridiculous,” Eddie laughed, the mental image letting him unwind. It was easy to stay in the moment. 

“Small towns man,” Richie sighed. “So much shit happens in them. You’d be surprised.” 

“Don’t think I would,” Eddie snorted. “I think I lived in a small town before, well, everything.” 

“Yeah,” Richie’s voice went oddly quiet, like it always did when Eddie talked about his past. “How’d you know that?” 

“That’s one of the few things I managed to pull from the fog,” Eddie looked down, the concrete in front of him suddenly fascinated. “My mom talked a lot about it. She refused to utter the town's name, but she always talked about small-town life. Talked about how much she hated it. Guess that’s why she moved to fucking New York.” 

“Yeah, can’t get further away from a small town,” Richie snorted. “You think she was running?” 

“Who was running?” Eddie asked, looking over at him in confusion.

“Your mom,” Richie said, meeting his gaze. “Do you think she was running from something when she moved here?” 

“I think she was saddled with a stupid kid who couldn’t move or think on his own and moved somewhere where she could have the option to ship him off to a medical hospital if she needed to,” Eddie said, trying his best not to be bitter. His feelings towards the women he called mother was complicated. 

“Sounds about right,” Richie said under his breath. “Mothers suck.” 

“Did your mom suck?” 

“Oh no,” Richie laughed. “Maggie Tozier is a gift from above man. She’d love you.” 

“I’d love to meet her someday,” Eddie mused. “I think I would enjoy that.” 

Richie looked over at him, abruptly coming to a stop and turning to stare at his friend, who was smiling softly at him. 

“What?” Eddie asked, taking a half step closer. 

“Do you trust me?” Richie asked, his gaze not leaving Eddie’s.

“Of course.” 

“Follow me then,” Richie tugged him towards the alleyway. 

“What are you doing?” Eddie asked as Richie dropped his hands and pushed open a door in the side of the building. “That place has been empty for years, it’s disgusting.” 

“Trust me!” Richie said, gesturing for Eddie to follow. Hesitantly, he did. The place was exactly what Eddie expected it to be, dark, abandoned, and weirdly dusty. The place was obviously used by homeless people, remains of broken bottles and empty food wrappers lying on the floor. Richie was walking ahead of him, no care in the world as he navigated the dirty landscape. 

Eddie could practically see the broken needles on the ground, waiting to poke him and infect him with whatever disease they held. He could imagine the glass cutting into his skin, the bugs and ants crawling around wandering over his skin. This place was disgusting. Eddie could feel his skin crawling. 

“Eddie?” Richie asked, turning back to where he stood frozen. “Oh shit, you probably don’t like this very much.” 

“Not really no,” Eddie forced out. He was suddenly very aware of how bare his arms were in just a tee-shirt, his skin bare and painfully vulnerable. 

Richie quickly walked over to him, peeling off his jacket like he was reading Eddie’s mind. Eddie let him wrap the cloth around him without complaint, the heavy fabric helping ground him a bit.

“I didn’t even think about that, I’m sorry,” Richie said, his eyes wide and concerned. “We can go back now; we don’t have to continue.”

“No!” Eddie protested. As much as he hated it, he wanted to see what Richie wanted to show him. As long as he didn’t touch anything he should be fine right? Having Richie’s coat draped over his shoulders helped a bit. “Let’s go on. I think I’ll be fine.” 

“Are you sure?” Richie asked, seeming to relax a tiny bit when Eddie nodded. “Okay. We can turn back at any time though, just let me know and I’ll turn back, okay Eds?”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie smacked at him, and they continued to the stairs at the back, Richie’s arm still wrapped securely around him. They walked up the stairs in silence, Eddie careful not to touch anything close to him. This surprise better be damn worth it. 

“Just through here,” Richie told him, pushing open a door and holding it for him. “After you kind sir.” 

Eddie walked out onto the rooftop, looking around in confusion. It was just a plain old rooftop. 

“What are we doing?” Eddie asked Richie, who came up from behind him. 

“Well,” Richie said, grabbing his hand and gently leading him to the edge. “When I was younger, there was this place we used to always go called the Quarry. It was just this giant cliff over a lake, and the view was stunning. I used to always go there with my friends. Sometimes to jump in, sometimes to just admire the view. This is the closest I can get over here. Isn’t the view breathtaking?” 

Eddie looked out over the city, and he would have to admit that it was beautiful. The city was gorgeous at night, building all lit up, cars driving in the streets below. The sheer magnitude of the city took Eddie’s breath away, amazing him how so many people could be existing and living at the same time, all their lives so different and all so important. 

“It is nice,” He said, looking over at Richie, who was sitting on the ground, his feet dangling over the side. A low railing saved any chance of him falling, so Eddie cautiously sat down beside him. They weren’t that high up, but he was never overly scared of heights anyways. 

“I come up here a lot,” Richie admitted to him. “When I feel alone, this makes me feel a bit more connected to everyone. Just seeing how many people are in this city, living their life, the sheer life that exists here.” 

“It’s breathtaking,” Eddie filled in. “Thinking about how insignificant we can be, how insignificant everyone is. We’re all just living our lives, ignorant to the magnitude of people surrounding us.” 

“I never got a view like this in Derry,” Richie sighed. “Just a lot of trees, a lake, and sometimes if I was lucky a bird would fly by.” 

Eddie laughed, wondering which would be better. The breathtaking view of New York, or the private slice of life where Richie grew up. 

“The only thing missing is the stars,” Richie grumbled. “Lay down with me.” 

Eddie did, the two of them lying back on the cold concrete roof. The sky above them was clear from clouds, just a lot of black sky shimmering above them. 

“In Derry you could always see the stars,” Richie told him. “They were beautiful. My friends and I used to go out at night when we were little and stargaze. Used it as a backdrop when we played games or read comics. Sometimes we’d take Ben out too, since he actually knew things about stars.” 

“I imagine you just point out which ones look like giant dicks,” Eddie said dryly. 

“Well yeah!” Richie laughed. “What’s the point of star gazing if you’re not?” 

Eddie laughed, staring up at the sky in silence for a minute. The night sky was so dark in New York, the light pollution making it almost impossible to see ay stars, making the entire sky a giant black hole for the eyes to get lost in. 

“You ever going to tell me what happened to your cheek?” Richie asked casually, and Eddie swears he felt his heart stop as his head snapped towards his friend.

“What?” 

“Your cheek?” Richie asked, turning to look at him, his face hard to read in the dark. “It’s cut.” 

“I had a seizure yesterday,” Eddie blurted out, improve coming quickly to him. “I blacked out for a bit; I guess I probably fell into something while it happened.” 

“A seizure?” Richie said, looking concerned. He mimicked his limbs shaking uncontrollably. “Like that?” 

“First of all that is wildly insensitive and wrong in so many ways,” Eddie scolded him. “And second no, I don’t have full-body seizures. I get something called a focal onset seizure. I just sometimes lose control of small parts of my body and mind. It’s nothing that bad, and I rarely get them anyways. They just happen sometimes when I’m stressed or working hard.” 

He was rambling, and Richie knew it too. He didn’t stop him though, letting the words rush out of Eddie’s mouth instead of interrupting him. 

“Is that a side effect from the, you know?” Richie asked, waving a hand carefully. 

“Yeah, one of them,” Eddie looked back up at the sky. “Yay for brain trauma.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Richie asked, and Eddie looked back over to him in confusion. “I’m sorry, it’s just that you never talk about it, and that can’t be healthy? Like obviously it affects you in multiple ways and I just want you to know that you can talk to me about those kinds of things. I may not always be serious, but I’ll try my best for you.” 

“Thanks,” Eddie said, smiling faintly. Talking about the accident wasn’t normally allowed. Myka hated hearing about it, and all his friends got so uncomfortable when he mentioned it. 

“Life sucks,” Richie sighed, shifting slightly. “Doesn’t it?” 

“Yeah, it does. It sucks so much. I’m supposed to remember you know.” 

Richie looked over at him, and Eddie continued to stare ahead, not wanting to see how Richie processes that admission. 

“The doctors assumed that some form of brain trauma occurred and damaged the tissue in my brain,” Eddie spoke slowly. He hadn’t really told anyone this yet. “That’s why I had memory issues. Why I couldn’t remember how to speak. To move. Everything else. But the tissue healed with therapy and time, which is why I can still form long term memories even after everything. The doctors have no clue why I can’t remember, but chances are that it’s not something medical. There’s nothing psychically wrong with my brain anymore, sure there are some small lingering effects like the seizures, but nothing that should impact my memory.” 

“So you should remember.” 

“They think it’s because of some sort of traumatic memory thing,” Eddie told him, finally looking over at Richie. There was no pity in his eyes, something that made Eddie feel a bit better about the admission. “That something bad happened, and my mind in response blocked out everything instead of just dealing with it. Which is just fucking immature of it if you ask me.” 

“So you think things like therapy would help?” Richie asked, his hand reaching out and carefully grabbing Eddie’s. 

“Maybe,” Eddie shrugged. “It’s hard to discuss a traumatic memory without you even remember anything that leads up to it. I also just didn’t want to go through that. Something about therapy just rubs me the wrong way.” 

“That’s reasonable,” Richie squeezed his hand lightly. “Thanks for telling me Eddie.” 

“Thanks for letting me.” 

“I didn’t let you do anything,” Richie laughed. “You know how brave you are right? Telling me about this shit, surviving and managing to make a life even after all this happened? You never fail to impress me.” 

Eddie didn’t feel brave. If he was brave then he wouldn’t be lying there with a cut and bruise on his cheek, wouldn’t be kicked out of his own apartment for the night. He never felt brave. 

“It’s not really brave, it’s just living with what was given to me,” Eddie grumbled, looking away from Richie once again. 

“No!” Richie protested, sitting up fast enough to give Eddie whiplash. “None of that. You’re not allowed to put yourself down tonight.” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Eddie propped himself up onto his elbows, going no further because Richie was looming over top of him, their heads dangerously close to clashing. 

“You are amazing,” Richie whispered, his other hand reaching up and gently brushing a lock of Eddie’s hair behind his ear. Eddie tried not to shiver at the touch. “You are the most wonderful person I know, my little Eddie Spaghetti. You’ve always been brave, and don’t try to convince me you’re not. You are the bravest person I know, okay?”

Eddie swallowed hard, tears starting to form in his eyes and he didn’t even know why. Something was swirling inside his chest, almost painful as he stared up into Richie’s dark brown eyes. 

“Okay,” He said, his mouth oddly dry. For some reason he couldn’t take his eyes away from Richie.

“Coolio,” Richie grinned, breaking the eye contact and leaning back. “We should head back soon; I don’t want your boyfriend wondering where I whisked his hot piece of ass this late at night.” 

“Don’t be disgusting,” Eddie chided through the lump in his throat. He didn’t want to think of Myka, of the things he said to him, the things he did. 

“That’s what I do best,” Richie joked, making as if he was going to get up and leave. Eddie felt panic at the thought. Where was he to go after this? He didn’t want to be alone. 

“I don’t want to go,” He blurted out, and Richie paused, eyes widening slightly before he blinked, smiling down at him. 

“Okay,” He said simply, laying down beside him again. 

“Thank you,” Eddie said softly, his eyes fluttering shut. He was suddenly very tired. 

“I’ll stay here however long you want Eds,” Richie said gently, their shoulders pressed together. Eddie couldn’t find it inside of him to chide him for the nickname.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will have you know that this is the most Myka heavy chapters for a bit because I am honestly tired of writing him lmao. But no, the next couple of chapters in this part of the story will be focusing on Eddie and the Losers once again so hopefully you guys are excited for that!!
> 
> Again, I love all your comments so much, they really make me so happy :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? I appreciate any and all feedback my loves!! There should be around 20 chapters but tbh I might change it to more, the plot is very lose at this moment but I swear I know what I'm doing. 
> 
> Chapter titles from 'Run' and 'Cherry Wine' by Hozier.
> 
> <3


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